To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

You’re doing exactly that by saying your siblings lived at home for X years too.

@SunQueen24 no I'm not, but you've decided you don't like me. I don’t know why you're even on this thread other than to give me shit

You are too keen to derail this thread. Providing solutions for problems not raised by OP, nudging her in different directions, anything to derail, when her concern is her parents being impacted by caring for badly behaved kids.

This faux concern over Op's health is not necessary. I am sure GP know more scientifically than you about bugs.

Agree. This thread is full of cheeky childcare scroungers and elderly parent users trying to deflect from the actual issue.

It's probably time to end this thread and move on. If you haven't received the advice you need after 5 pages of posting back and forth you're not going to get it here.

As I said in my previous posts I disagree with people claiming you are using your parents because you live at home, and I think it's right for you to be concerned about your parents but unfortunately you can only speak to them and push them to stand up for themselves. As long as they refuse to due to fear of being cut off from their grandkids you will be fighting a losing battle.

As some have said maybe get some elder support organizations involved to speak to them and guide them but that may result in a family rift so be ready to stand up to your siblings if it comes to that. But again the onus is in your parents.

Stop the back and forth arguing with people on mumsnet, it's not a productive use of your time.

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease explain your parents your concern. Your brothers don't care about them and no matter how much they dance to their tunes, they cannot please them.

If they stop them from seeing grandchildren, then your parents have to accept that. Suggest they provide care for kids once a week, they should tell your brother they are too old and cannot provide the care kids should get. Perhaps they can divide care between both set of grandparents. This is quite reasonable. If they give any excuses or say they don't have money for extra childcare, your parents should aimpkt repeat and rinse about their inability due to health. They deserve break, they deserve vacations. They raised 4 children, provided older with house deposits, let them stay till their 30s. It is time for them to unwind.
Beyond that, you have to accept. Ignore those judging you for living with your parents. You are a self sufficient adult, you benefit from free housing but I am sure your parents benefit from your company. In many cultures, it is the norm, and old parents are so grateful the company.

@Ilovelifeverymuch I've ask MN to take it down but they won't

In that case just leave it and move on. If there's specific useful posts you can address or if you have questions but just ignore all the posters making things up and accusing you of this and that. They thrive on attention and you engaging with them.

They are the only people who can change the situation if they want to.
What do you think OP can do?
I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone in their 70s.
Unless the parents have lost capacity, which I doubt as otherwise they couldn't be doing what they are doing, no-one else can sort it for them.
I fully understand that they might be being bullied and have the threat of no contact etc. but I believe OP intervening, expressing an opinion or speaking to her siblings will only lead to rows and distress.
The parents have to decide whether they are prepared to tolerate things as they are or clarify what they are and are not prepared to do.
I understand OP is concerned but interfering will not help.

I hear you OP. I don’t live with my parents but have had to limit contact with my brother because all he does is moan about how they don’t do enough child care! His MIL in her 60s has been retired for years, where as my DM is 70+ and still working.

Sorry I have no solutions. :(

OP … seems you are just here to give your older siblings, and their kids … shit.
wa wa wa … your life is shit because of siblings, their kids, old tired parents, economy, Brexit, tories, inflation, fish fingers, germs, dodgy sinuses …

Suggest they provide care for kids once a week
How many times are people going to post this????

Once again, OP said they look after the kids 2 at a time 2-3 days per week. There are 2 brothers. So they each currently get exactly 1 regular day per week and there is some unspecified extra time (maybe during school holiday time?).

If this is too much for the GPs then this constant restating of "do one day" is not remotely helpful!!!

Of course people put pressure on each other, and OP's sibs might be manipulative users, but it is irrelevant. OP cannot control any of these other people. She can't make her DPs decisions for them and trying to is over-bearing and controlling too.

Consider that OP's DPs and siblings have their own conversations that OP is not subject to. We can't know what is said.

I haven't derailed anything at all.

I've addressed only the things OP has mentioned in their OP.

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease I don't understand why some people are harassing you. If MN won't delete the thread I suggest you just delete it on your account and don't return. Protect your mental health and well-being and don't read any more.

Neither are these parents.

That sounds like bullshit tbh. The OP has said that her brothers have plenty of disposable cash.

They don't expect to be forced to provide childcare either.

Parents should expect their children to stay well into adulthood with the CoL crisis. They're stupid if they don't!

They are users - they must see that their parents are in poor health!

You seem unable to comprehend the situation. The OP has said that she helps, but it must be limited seeing as she works full-time and is training, and presumably the children are there during the day when they are not!!

Hard disagree!

The OP isn't seeking control! She's concerned about her parents who seem to feel blackmailed whereby if they don't mind the gc, they won't get to see them!

Nonsense!! She said that for context!!

Seems you are just here to post rude and nasty messages!

Only her DPs can address their problem, if they feel they have one. Any attempt to address it for them is a form of control.

I'm very sympathetic to OP's feelings on this. I can see why she's worried, but it is a DP problem.