First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

Just leave. Your son will have self esteem issues, then anxiety and anger. You won't parent how you would like to and will also lose self worth. Your DH is going to drag you all down with you. Ask yourself what's the point of you having your DS for your DH to mess up.

I am not sure if i am repeating something that has been already pointed out so I apologise if I am (I read all your replies but not every single comment in the thread) but with you mentioning that your son is being assessed for autism, has your husband ever been assessed himself? I only ask as there is a genetic component to autism and with him reacting so badly to mess or behaviour he cant control in your son, perhaps there is a level of overwhelm/meltdown going on.
That is not to say that it is acceptable for him to be shouting at you and your son and threatening to leave over minor inconveniences. His mental health is his responsibility to work on primarily and it sounds like you do your best to be supportive.
I hope you find a way to navigate this situation, whether that be as a couple or not x

The therapist told the op he has narcissistic personality disorder. Do people ‘get better’ from that?

NPD is what we call a “character strategy” it is a set of responses to trauma, or to life or relationships, where typical responses have hardened over time into a permanent type. He can’t be cured because this works fir him. He can’t be medicated out of it. He can’t be therapied out of it. This is who he us. Fragile. Sulky. Manipulative. Angry. Spiteful. Maybe he is depressed as well but that is because he us a shitty human being who can’t get what he wants all the time.

If he "masks" most of the time then it says a lot about who is important to him that he subjects his toddler to temper tantrums rather than eg adult work colleagues and friends.

Subjecting a small child to life on eggshells with an "explosive" parent is not a "journey" for the OP to choose, its a child who may need protection. If after all this time and therapy DH has not developed techniques and mechanisms to protect the child from his own behaviour then bluntly he isn't going to.

The OP is also entitled to a life not lived on eggshells and the guilt tripping of women to stay with "explosive" partners on the basis that its a journey doesn't make the damage caused by those partners any less.

Just a tip for your DH (and all parents of toddlers everywhere) Instead of saying "don't xxxxxxx" try giving a positive instruction - on repeat. So "Keep the basket the right way up that's right leave the basket let go of the basket come over here that's right let go of the basket let go of the basket etc. " Can't remember who gave me this tip but it was so useful for me. Somehow it is harder for them to carry out an action when they are being flooded by a message repeatedly suggesting the opposite, desired by parent action. They don't have the processing power I guess!

Tl:dr vocalise what you want them to do - don't vocalise the crime it looks like they are about to commit!

Your poor child seems to be living in a very stressful household. His father can’t manage a family day out or taking him to nursery without having a hissy fit.
You’ll have to take control and dial everything back for the sake of your child.
Starting nursery school is lovely, not a gala performance, just a fun thing for your child. Going out is just putting a few bits in a bag and going out. If your DH is going to be a drama queen you have to be the opposite for your child’s sake until you decide if DH stays or goes. And if he stays he goes for counselling to learn to control himself and resemble an adult.

Oh dear, he's clearly struggling with his mental health (I suffer from depression myself) but it doesn't give him carte blanche to act like an arse towards his family. Haven't had time to RTFT yet, but whatever else is going on, he really needs to be proactively seeking better strategies for coping with life. But I know I'm stating the obvious there.

PS I realise there is way way way more going on than I have addressed, to say the least.

I just couldn't help noticing how you reported your DH worded his instructions to DS and I was wincing in advance knowing what ds was likely to do...

I am so sorry it sounds as though you are in a terrible situation. But your child has to come first and your husband's behaviour and the tense atmosphere is not good for his mental health.

This. Also, I think OP was OTT with 'time out' penalty also. It was only regarding tipping a box of toys! Completely unnecessary for something so trivial.
Hope things settle down

Probably missing the point, but 'punishments' like time out don't actually work, so maybe you could both look at different ways of parenting and maybe DH wouldn't end up so stressed?

😂
And I know about masking.

@Nonethemiser sorry i'm struggling to keep up with all of the posts. On one hand I think everyone is susceptible/vulnerable to depression/poor mental health and having witnessed DH having a mental breakdown it was terrifying for him and me. There was no obvious pathway to getting better, it was very much trial and error, he lost his mind and it was a long road to get him back to a 'normal' state/feeling well. Since then he has seen a psychiatrist and therapist (at the same practice) who worked together to help him get well. He hasn't been on meds for a year but I have noticed a change in his mood over the last few months and he seems to be slipping back into how he was pre breakdown.

We have been having couples therapy since the start of the year with his therapist - it helped to some extent. But I think she sensed my frustration so she contacted me to have a 1 to 1 appt with her alone before the summer holidays. I saw her and felt like she dropped a grenade that blew up. She said she couldn't see me again alone and I needed to find my own therapist. But i wondered if she was trying to tell me that things are not going to change and it was ok if I wanted to leave.
She said he suffered from depression, had a personality disorder - narcissism and entitlement, no empathy (not malicious just doesn't have it) and whilst she didn't think that would change, he could continue to work on his issues. Since hearing it put to me like that, I have wondered if things can change/improve and the summer and his behaviour has made me think he won't. But to be honest, it's all so mentally draining. I really want him to be well but I don't think he ever fully will be.

Having suffered from a narcissistic mother ( and a father who copied her every move, very odd) I’d say you’re better off separating. I can’t see how you’ll ever have a happy marriage, or your child a happy home, with this. Better to do it now while your son is small. Sorry, but I can’t see he’ll get any better.

This. Home truths are definitely needed here, urgently. No excuses justify how he’s behaving - none. He either learns how to parent a child quickly or he needs to move out.

From how you’ve described what he shouted, it sounds as though he was challenging your DS. Both of mine would have tipped the toys out following that. Does he not know that he needs to get up quickly, lift/move the box and divert DS, rather than confront and challenge?

@candycane222 yes exactly that. When I heard him say it I thought this only going one way.
To those that don't like time outs - DS has been incredibly challenging, not able to regulate his emotions at all for a long time and over the summer he's changed, grown and things have felt a little easier.
But for a long time absolutely nothing worked. Time out is usually no shouting on my part but calmly removing him from the situation and giving him chance to calm down, and then when calm, explaining why we don't do that, it works for us. Just not the way my DH does it.

@Maray1967 yes this is what I would have done tried to divert him before he tipped it.
I could hear it was about to happen but I just wanted to be able to have 5 mins to get ready and trusted DH to be able to handle it.

You do not have to take parenting lessons from randoms on the internet when your house is burning down. The therapist is right not to take both of you on in couples therapy as your dh is abusing you—by abusing the privilege if being the most needy because of his mental health issues.

So 1) it is contraindicated to see an abused person and her abuser in therapy and 2) he is not the most vulnerable person in the household. That is your son.

For your dh therapy is basically a kind of dialysis. He needs it weekly but its not going to cure him. He will never gain empathy or insight.

For you therapy might have a purpose: to help you leave before he destroys you and your child.

There is a really long, years long, thread here by jamaisjadore (if that was her nym) which started by her noticing her dh’s sulky treatment of her and which ended with his decomposition and breakdown when his NPD was revealed snd he couldn’t compensate for the shame. It took her years to get divorced but the relationship became progressively more untenable.

Having read all the OP’s posts I realise it is a long drip feed and her present worries are nothing at all to do with what happened on DS’s first day of preschool. Why ask for our opinions on something that in the grand scheme of things is totally irrelevant?

I think you missed the bit of my post where i said "...he really shouldn't have been shouting in the first place. "

The therapist is dropping the biggest possible hint for you to end the relationship, I just imagine she isn't allowed to expressly say it. Please don't let this man traumatise your child.

@GrannyRose15 I hadn't planned to go down this rabbit hole. I just wanted a sounding board this morning about whether I had been unreasonable. Its quite isolating living abroad and being able to get it off my chest and out in the open and hear other people's perspectives (good and bad) has helped.

Surely life is too short for living like this. I’d tell him you want him to leave. Sorry op but you and your child deserve better.

I had a similar thing today. I have a week old baby haven't slept for two nights. I lost it with my 3 year old son, threatened to move out (Whilst crying) but only I was saying I was a bad mum ect.

Once I calmed down I apologised to My 3 year old and everything and everyone was fine. My 3 year old happily went off to pre school.

Maybe have a chat with DH once things have calmed down. Lack of sleep and high emotions create things like this.