First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

Your dh needs to grow up.

I’m still calling bullshit though 🤷🏻‍♀️
If he can manage his “anger” around his friends, Mr Life & Soul of the Party could manage it around his THREE year old. Just another bullying abusive prick, depression or no depression.

Agreed. Depression is no excuse for these rage outbursts. And I know everyone is different but all the people who I've known to be depressed have been quiet and withdrawn, a tornado could go past and they wouldn't get up. Or the other way, putting on a happy face and trying to to make everyone happy.
All these explosive outbursts are unacceptable. It's going to put your son on edge, and you on edge.

As if he's going to bother his ass spending much time alone with a child that he doesn't even enjoy spending time with now.

Plus, part of npd abuse is abusing the child TO abuse the mother. If she's not there to see it, he doesn't have to 'play up for the cameras'.

Oh that's alright then, another excuse for them to abuse women and get away with it.

OP reading all your comments you need to start making a safe plan to leave.

He's an abusive narcissist. Not one people have guessed at without knowing him, he is actually diagnosed as this!! 😔😕 He won't become a better person or partner or parent.

Can you get some legal advice?

How did you come to be living abroad??
Do you both work? You sound isolated.

I really feel for your ds. Did you let preschool know he hadn't eaten and was tired?? Hopefully they can give him a little more at snack time and keep an eye on him.

This isn't good for your child living with a man like this. You need to make a drastic change.

@Aperolling28 you HAVE tried everything to save your marriage but you REALLY need to protect your son. Even your H’s therapist has told you it’s not on you to save your H.

I grew up in a house like this, always waiting for the hammer to fall…it led to severe depression in my late teens and twenties and a hell of a lot of therapy over the course of years to unravel. My sister also needed a lot of therapy, my brother was resistant to having any therapy (his life is a mess) and, hand on heart, it has massively affected the course of all our lives. That can’t be what you want for your DS!

No. No, she doesn't. Her H is not well mentally and is reacting inappropriately to DS because of this. The very minimum OP needs to do is 'undermine' him, because her DS needs to know he can trust one of his parents. The OPs posts made it very clear this isn't just an isolated case of disagreement about how to handle discipline. The man is inconsistent, irrational and disproportionate in his reactions, regularly. Because he is ill. The OP does not need to be persuaded to have a think about how she can better collude with that.

I made the comment before I read he was a diagnosed narc.

NPD never ends well. OP please leave before he does anymore damage to you and your son.

I don't allow my dp to shout at us. The only rare times he's ever done it (I mean proper shouting not the kind of snappy raised voices that we can all slip into and no one is upset by) I've made him sleep somewhere else that night. I'm not having my babies grow up in a home where that's seen as acceptable.
I'm adamant that we will all speak to each other with respect at all times no matter what is going on. Its so important.

You have to be reliable- do what you say you’ll do; consistent; validate their feelings; love them; and not use them as your own emotional support. And not slag off the other parent, nor defend the indefensible - but listen if the child needs to tell you things. It’s really hard, but as you say, there isn’t a choice. However, it is enormously preferable to them living full time with a narcissist, while your mental health and their brain development are traumatised and retraumatised (I’m not exaggerating: this stuff can leave children and adults with CPTSD). They can learn what normal, healthy relationships look like and that it’s ok to leave a toxic environment.

Suffering from depression does not give you a get out of jail free card for treating everybody like crap. You shouldn't have to put up with this.

As an Early years teacher I totally agree with this.

If you read about someone having an angry outburst following a minor incident, and your kneejerk response is, "What did the OP do to cause this? How should she better tiptoe around his temper? What ways can I suggest that would make this out to be at least partially her fault?" that is not a healthy reaction.

@Grammarnut i don't know why you think there was some drama about DS first day. There wasn't any of my doing. Your son's first day at school was exactly my son's first day. I got my son dressed, packed his kit to take, and took him to school, he ran straight in, didn't look back and had a great morning. There were no tears last night or this morning related to going to school - he was upset by DS shouting at him. It is not uncommon for DH to drop off/pick up at preschool because he works remotely and is easily able to do so.
It was more of a big deal for us because 7 months ago we had DS enrolled into a montessori preschool and he hated it, cried every morning, didn't want to get dressed or leave the house and the school couldn't cope with him. He became withdrawn and it was a very stressful time. But thats in the past, he did eally well today.

If he can be 'normal" with friends but not you he's not depressed.

if his therapist is telling you he has narcissistic personality disorder, I suspect they are telling you to take ds and run. He can be nice to everyone but you and his 3yo son- that’s exactly what both many abusers and not necessarily abusive but just nasty assholes are like. I think you just tell him this is affecting ds now as well as your mental health , you no longer have a shit to give about his mental health when it means he treats you so badly all the time, you’re human too, and you are calling it quits.

So he can easily pick and choose when to behave 'normally' and treat everyone except you with common courtesy and respect.

He's not depressed. He's an arsehole.

Yeah this absolutely.

^^Agree with this. They can’t tell you outright to leave him but they are hoping you will read between the lines and save yourself and your DS.

@Twitchyeyebrow I found out I was pregnant at the start of Covid lockdown, DH had already been overseas for 1 year, we travelled back and forth each week to see each other. Covid had a massive impact on my industry and my company went into administration, I lost my job whilst pregnant. I basically never left DH country where he was working (we are both from the UK). I had complications in my pregnancy that impacted both me and my DS and I could sense then that my DH mental state was declining. He had a breakdown as my DS turned 1. DS is now almost 4.
I can't work in my past career as it doesn't exist here but last year I went back to uni and retrained, finished my course in Spring. I haven't been able to tackle the job market yet as I haven't had childcare until now (with my DS starting school) - he has only been in part time up until now. So i'm trying to get back on my feet. I never would have chosen to be a SAHM and give up my independence but it's the way my life went. I have loved spending time with my DS but need to create my own stability. I'm just trying to figure out how.

Sounds like your husband had a tantrum, not the toddler.

Agreed. Could people stop modeling british stiff upper lip parenting for five seconds and stop blaming OP for her child’s excitement and her husband’s hysterical overreaction?

Nothing was going to head off the DH’s temper tantrum that morning. Something is always going to be imperfect with a three year old rushing to get somewhere. On what planet is shrieking orders then having a fit then literally shouting that you will abandon your family good parenting? Why the rush to correct OP for the presumed sin of making a celebration out of going to school while the gob smackingly awful parenting of the dh gets a pass?

Way upthread a PP shrewdly noted that the dh had a breakdown when the child was born and a fit on the child’s first day of school. This man is horrbly damaged and is in competition with his son, abusive and controlling to his wife, and an all round asshole. Stop defending his “prerogative “ to put the child in time out! All of that shrieking and fault finding was just in service of trying to ruin the childs first day of school. It wasn’t necessitated by the spilled toys.

Sadly, this is something that happens a lot on here. Posters will tie themselves in knots coming up with ways that the man’s blatantly aggressive and unreasonable behaviour was actually the fault of the OP. I don’t know it it’s internalised misogyny or just a desire to knock the OP down a bit. Either way, it’s unhelpful and completely detracts from the issue at hand.

The problem with a lot of these mental health disorders is that people have the ability to "mask" but they can't do it all the time and I suspect this is what's going on here. I do feel sympathy for your DH - if he has a therapist he clearly has a problem and if he engages with the therapist he recognises that. The issue for you is whether you believe he can get better, how long might that take and whether you're willing for you, and your son, to go on that journey with him?