First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

He says I don't understand what its like to have depression.
After 10 days I told him his behaviour was unacceptable and I didn't want to be married to someone like this and we should figure out how to separate and then he cried and apologised, said he was depressed, his behaviour was not ok, and I didn't ubderstand how he felt. His mental health doesn't justify or excuse his behaviour in any way. I do know what depression is like, what it feels like to want to die just so i coilf esape feeling. I know what PTSD is like and what severe PNA manifesting as anger is like, I know what panic attacks are like. When I realised it was starting to impact my DC I went and saw my GP and got my medication increased because I'm not the kind of person that wants to use my mental health as an excuse. Short of a breakdown for which he is hospitalised or him being declared mentally incompetent he is responsible for his behaviour.

Does he yell at annoying people in public, does he yell at or ignore his colleges, does he scream at other drivers in traffic or does he reserve this behaviour for his family? If it's the later then he's showing you he knows the behaviour is wrong and controllable. Whether the anger comes from depression or not won't change the impact it has on you or his child. What he's doing isn't working, he needs to talk to his psychologist and psychiatrist about this, maybe he needs an adjustment to medication if he's taking it, maybe he needs to start taking medication if he isn't. If he can't or won't accept responsibility and work with his MH professionals to find a way of behaving like a half decent dad then mental health issued or not the bottom line is your child needs to be safe and he's not safe from emotional abuse around his dad he needs to not be around him. You also deserve to feel safe and not walking on eggshells. It took me far to long to leave my abusive ex and my eldest is massively triggered by any loud voices, not even angry, just loud. Anger can do a lot of harm to children.

You need to leave your H. He sounds like a childish arsehole. You’re tiptoeing around him.

What’s amazing about people who behave like this is they choose who to unleash their shit on!! You’ve said yourself that he’s fine with friends.

He’s choosing to be abusive and controlling with you. Your poor son will be collateral damage.

Get away from your husband. There sounds like there is no enjoyment being around him.

People with NPD are very good at “putting on a show” in front of others, then once behind closed doors, their relatives must walk on eggshells as to not upset the apple cart.

This. Why oh why do grown men behave like this.

Your poor little boy. He's only 3 and this bloody man child upset him on his first day 😡.
Fgs, the child is tired, overexcited and he wound him up even more. So what if he tipped his toys over.
I would find this act of his very, very upsetting op.

He did have a full night's sleep. It was the OP and the child who had broken sleep. The husband should have been the most able to control himself emotionally, if we're basing it on quantity of sleep.

I'm sorry but your DH isn't fit to be a parent. I'd seriously consider leaving. Is this how you want your little boy's life to be - shouted at and upset on his big days?

no way would I be bringing children up in this environment. It’s impacting on him already.

Your DH is responsible for his own recovery and behaviour.

This marriage is over. You’ve done everything you can and gone over and above to help him.

I would ask him to move out now, for the sake of your childs wellbeing.

You are not being unreasonable.

And drop the ‘Time Out’ for a 3 year old.

It is your DH who needs it.

If she leaves him he’ll still get to be alone with his child and would be absolutely free to get as angry as he wants with no one to stop him. That is the law.

I grew up with a parent who's mental health caused over reactions, unpredictable emotional outbursts and the frequent escalation of minor issues into huge upsetting drama. When I was not much older than your DS, I'd say my prayers every night and add on 'please God, let everything be OK tomorrow and (parent) not be upset'. I walked on egg shells, was hyper vigilant and can't remember ever looking forward to anything without having to say my prayer or do another superstitious ritual. I'm telling you this because as much as you might feel duty bound to your H, your first duty is to your son.

Apologies , I misread .

God your poor son, he's only three and has to navigate his dads tantrums. Hopefully you can all get some sleep tonight and speak about this rationally tomorrow.

Sorry no. Enough with the excuses. Depression, NPD, anxiety, autism, ADHD or whatever bullshit people come out with to try and pass off their piss poor behaviour these days is just not acceptable when you are married and have a young child.

Yes I know these are all conditions and a lot of people people genuinely struggle with some of them (I know, I lived with one for 10 years!) but come on.

Not every single person who acts like a complete prick has to be "diagnosed" with something.

OP @Aperolling28 your partner sounds horrendous. You went on a 2 week holiday and he didn't speak to you for 10 DAYS?! But he was all sweetness and light around the people you were holidaying with??? Sorry but that's not depression. It sounds like he just dislikes you....

Anyway, MH or not, I would just get out OP. Do you really want you and your son to be treading on eggshells forever more whilst you make excuses for him?

Life is too fucking short.

Your husband needs to grow up

I don’t know if you’re aware, but this is a form of domestic abuse.

Using you as an emotional punchbag is emotional abuse: this man who is supposed to love and care for you is regularly hurting you, which is why you feel so awful afterwards.

I hope at some point you’re able to recognise this and get some support for yourself (not couples counselling!! It’s never recommended when one partner is abusive), because you shouldn’t have to live like this.

As you say, it’s shattering and soul destroying. It really is.

And you deserve better.

That shouldn't be your DS's problem

Do you work? Are you in the country of your H? Was your son born there?

I don't know what your husband brings to the family

And he sounds very manipulative

100% this.

And big nuclear tantrums from a parent, including a threat to abandon the child, and not even an apology afterwards, are a form of emotional abuse.

OP, I hope you’re beginning to see that this is abuse and that you need to protect your child, and yourself.

Neither of you deserves to live like this.

Why have you put your kids through that? (for years!)

I totally agreevwith this, but (and I ask this really wanting to understand ir, not criticising you) how does that work when there's a DC involved?
I mean, you divorce, so you don't need to live with some with NPD but they will still have DC at least EOW (assuming OP would have main custody), so the chold would still need to deal with the NPD parent, and on their own?

Depression in men can often manifest as anger

I remember taking my three-year-old DS to playschool for the first time. My DH did not come with us as he was working (teacher, so could not take day off even had this been an option we thought of). Mostly mothers dropping children off. I dropped off DS, hung up his coat for him and took him to the helpers, and left. No drama. This was 1981 and I was expecting my DD, so went home and put feet up. Collected him 3 hours later with no drama. It wasn't a special thing.
First day at school was a bit more dramatic, by again teacher DH not there. Went off to visit a friend after school, who suggested I might like to listen about DS's day, which I did. No tears and no upset the night before, either afaik.

Why do both parents needs to be there at first day of nursery school?
NB A bit OTT to say 'leaving home' over this. Is your DH three? In which case pack him a sandwich and a drink in a tied-up hankie on a stick and suggest he camp at the bottom of the garden. This usually works with 3-year-olds.

I don’t know what the answer is, but based on what I’ve seen, if a child is in a household with a parent with NPD 100% of the time, it is very damaging to the child and affects their relationships with others into adulthood. I would view it as better for the child to see the parent with NPD less frequently than the resident parent.

How often do you undermine his parenting? It wasn't unreasonable for him to set boundaries with your child about the toy basket. If you use time out as a method of dealing with your child's behaviour then it wasn't unreasonable for him to use it this time. If what happened this morning - him parenting your joint child and you telling him he was unreasonable (especially if this happened in front of the child) then I can understand why he was angry.

He absolutely shouldn't have had a tantrum but it sounds like you both need to have a think about how you want to parent your child and how you deal with any conflict that arises.