To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

[CheeseSnacker]

I am/was close to DP’s mum. DP and I are getting married in two weeks. Of course we invited STB MIL and DPs sister and brother. None of them are coming,

DP’s sister said she didn’t want to use up a days annual leave (she’s known about our wedding for months) and MIL is just not going because SIL is not going. When DP said she should still come, MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry).

BIL’s wife is expecting a baby imminently and he lives far out, so his reasoning I can understand.

I rarely talk about our wedding but when I did briefly mention something over dinner one evening, it was clear MIL wasn’t interested and she changed the subject.

It also smarts that when we announced our engagement, not one of DH’s siblings, or MIL so much as congratulated him. Yet if MIL stumps her toe, we’re expected to be by her bedside.

DH will have none of his family at our wedding. I have seen MIL in a new light and I am growing resentful of her. I couldn’t imagine not attending my future DC wedding. I’m quite hurt.

AIBU or is her reasoning valid?

Yes. I would be very hesitant about sharing photos.

Me too re hugging the photos to yourself. That’s just too suspicious, or at least might be.

People are weird, OP.Sometimes you just have to accept it. I think it’s quite possible that SiL would indeed liked to have been the ‘first married’ ( or possibly just have marriage in view, I wonder if your wedding has been a trigger for the realisation that her chap has no intention of marrying, at least to her). So she is sulking, and taking her disappointment out on you and her brother. Her mother has decided to support her rather than her son.

@SatsumaCat MIL has nailed it. You’ve done your best, now I would just put the whole thing out of your mind, and concentrate on having a great day, and much more importantly, a great marriage.

PS If she asks about the photos , just say sorry you forgot, and then do nothing….

I'm sure many of us been to weddings where there was a recent bereavement, the usual response is that family and friends redouble their support for the couple, even though there will be sad moments and tears. Your DP has a complete lack of support.

I know you've said no back story, but there must be for DP to be unsurprised at what is quite nasty behaviour, say his sister is the golden child and not want to raise his upset with his closest family. I think you may be more trusting than you realise and are overlooking some aspects of the family dynamic, especially if you've become close to your MIL. Sometimes it can be really hard to spot dysfunctionality when you're up close, and if you're not used to those dynamics. I had something similar with my MIL, for years I thought she was basically lovely and excused her 'quirks' before I started to understand the full picture.

From what you describe, I'd probably respond by going lower contact and having a mental boundary in place to protect yourself. Does DP have close friends or someone like a cousin to be there as his support? Is he usually close to his brother (whose reason is legit)?

I think you might have to look at it as better she’s not there than attend grudgingly. She could really cast a downer if she’s resentful.
It’s weird. I’m widowed but I can’t see that affecting me attending my child’s wedding.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage, forget MIL and SIL and have a wonderful day. 💐

I would personally leave them to it, if you force her to go she'll just make a fuss the whole day and leave or she'll spend the next few weeks changing her mind and causing stress. Her reasoning is ridiculous. I can imagine it being upsetting but surley his dad would have loved it so that's even more reason for her to attend, he should be thankful she's still around.

As for the sister, she is just as ridiculous. I would be thinking if they cannot be happy for you on your special day, then they don't deserve to share other special occasions, anniversary, birthdays, when and if you have children.

The brother is excused, I missed my sister wedding because I was a week over due and it was 70 miles away, it's just aswell as I went in to labour that day so I completly get.

They are vile and I'd just leave them to their miserable lives!

Now you know your worth leave any relationship to dp.. She wouldn't be getting any of my precious time...

Same here, congratulations on your engagement, and have a fantastic wedding day with your own family!

You feel hurt? Imagine how your fiancè must be feeling. Is this a pattern? Do they not acknowledge most big events in his life? Who doesn't take a day off work for a siblings wedding? unless they are estranged.

I seem to disagree with most of the posters here

I totally understand sil not taking time off for a week wedding. That will reduce her capacity for family holiday's.

Secondaly your mil doesn't want to be alone at a big event that previously she would have shared with her husband. She is grieving.

Even Your children are being rude to her so she wont even be with them. She is feeling very vulnerable and. You all could be handling this better

I'd be following your husband to be's lead from now on and not making the previous level of effort with her. I honestly can't fathom some people.

Have a wonderful day and have as little to fo with her as possible going forward. You don't need people like that st your wedding. They are doing you a favour. Tell them it was a wonderful day if asked and, oops, forgot about your photos. Completely slipped my mind.

Your MIL and SIL sound truly awful. I'm sorry they are casting such a shadow over your special day by being so selfish.

I understand that grief does strange things, and if she went, it may throw up some uncomfortable feelings for her. I guess she doesn't want to feel alone, seeing as it's a small wedding, maybe she feels she'll stand out too much? Is she friendly with your family at all? I know my mum feels like a sore thumb when she's with all her coupled friends as she's the first to lose her husband.

That said, for your CHILD'S WEDDING, you just fucking go. And then having the gall to ask you for the album afterwards to show off to her friends?! Unbelievable!!

I'm sorry for you, also for your poor husband. Please enjoy your day with people who show up for you and love you, and forget about everyone else. I hope it's wonderful.

Really really odd. Is sil married? Could she be jealous? Definitely something underlying with them. This would absolutely be a cutting off if it was me. And I feel so sorry for your husband to be

Is your wedding for you and the important people in your lives - or relatives you got by default who don't care about you, and you don't care about them? Why would you even invite them?

I totally understand sil not taking time off for a week wedding. That will reduce her capacity for family holiday's.

@Maddy70 He is her brother. Does he not count as family? The SIL doesn't have children and isn't married.

Good god !!! It's ONE day's annual leave... hardly restricting any other holidays. And the FIL died 6 years ago... the MIL is not freshly grieving..... And yes I'm fully aware people take their own time to get over things, but again, its been SIX YEARS !!! am horrified that anyone would think it ok for her to miss her own son's wedding for her pathetically flimsy excuses. FIL must be spinning in his grave at the disgusting heartlessness !!!! Especially a small wedding. It's not as if she's got to mingle with 100 guests. And as for having a photo album to show her friends..... ABSOLUTELY NOT !!!!

You have an amazing day. Don't let anyone or anything spoil a single second of it !!! And thereafter, pull right back from them. They are not worth your efforts. NOT WORTH IT !!!!!!!

How does your DP feel about it - it’s his family after all? Why is he not taking issue / pushing the point with his family?

Could dp invite some friends? It all sounds so weird. People never fail to amaze me.

Sounds to me like they didn't think you were that serious about each other. They were pleasant before when you were just a girlfriend but maybe now you are getting married their true feelings are showing.

They all sound like narcissists apart from BIL who perhaps has a genuine reason. Being nice then doing that is not nice or normal. Are there wider family members that know about this. What do they think. Sounds like some seriously bad family dynamics and maybe time to cut ties.

We didn't invite mil to our wedding.. Dh explained explicitly why she wasn't welcome. Had a fab day. And you will too op

What the What now?! Is that even for this op? What Children? Even Your children are being rude to her so she wont even be with them. She is feeling very vulnerable and. You all could be handling this better
And 'handle better' what? Cancel their wedding to suit drama llamas?

I'm not surprised you are hurt by this OP. No excuse for the SIL, I can't imagine not taking a day's leave for the wedding of a close family member.

However, perhaps your MIL is now feeling a little anxious and vulnerable at the thought of being unsupported at the first big milestone event without FIL at her side. PP have said 'Oh he died six years ago, she's not freshly grieving..' wtf??! Six years is not long at all.. due to Covid the past five years seems to have just flown by in a blur (for me and most people I speak to anyway!) and as I said above, getting by day-to-day after a bereavement is very different to dealing with a big occasion. Weddings can be emotional at the best of times, perhaps MIL is worried this will be too much for her and will spoil the day for you. If you've had a good relationship with her up until now, this sounds more likely than her suddenly turning into a 'narcissist' (covert or otherwise!) I think she could have been more honest about her reasoning, but she probably didn't want to look as though she was making a fuss / being weak / making it all about her, whilst ironically doing just that.

I think SIL is the 'villain' here. She should be attending, if for no other reason than to be a support for MIL.
Failing that, does MIL have a sibling/close friend she could bring as a sort of plus one? It may help her feel less of the odd one out among your family and have the added bonus of taking some worry off you and DH on the day!

Sadly some people are like this, I believe they are bitter and twisted and use people as scapegoats to take their anger out on. You are right, they likely do talk behind your back and are not as nice as you think, but it’s about them really not you, people like that will always find an issue with others, they actually probably don’t much like themselves deep down. As you mentioned you’re trusting and I’ve also fallen for people because of this. Believe in yourself more, try to avoid people pleasing and making too much effort, do not put them on a pedestal. Perhaps you could say outright when you see them it’s a shame they don’t feel able to attend their son’s / brother’s wedding to support him on his special day, and that at least all your family will be there. Invite some of his friends or wider family and don’t be hurt by them. They are simply strange selfish people who think more about themselves. The SIL is guaranteed to be jealous and the MIL is enabling it.

I got married last Friday, my MIL wasn't keen on the idea and made a few comments but was always meant to be coming. However the day before rang my DH saying she couldn't come as she was poorly. So she didn't, his younger brother also used the same reason for not coming, so my SIL and BIL came. We had a great day without them, my DH was abit upset but said as long as me and our Dds were there he wasn't bothered by anyone else. It's your day, focus on that! They are the ones missing out, not you