To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

[CheeseSnacker]

I am/was close to DP’s mum. DP and I are getting married in two weeks. Of course we invited STB MIL and DPs sister and brother. None of them are coming,

DP’s sister said she didn’t want to use up a days annual leave (she’s known about our wedding for months) and MIL is just not going because SIL is not going. When DP said she should still come, MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry).

BIL’s wife is expecting a baby imminently and he lives far out, so his reasoning I can understand.

I rarely talk about our wedding but when I did briefly mention something over dinner one evening, it was clear MIL wasn’t interested and she changed the subject.

It also smarts that when we announced our engagement, not one of DH’s siblings, or MIL so much as congratulated him. Yet if MIL stumps her toe, we’re expected to be by her bedside.

DH will have none of his family at our wedding. I have seen MIL in a new light and I am growing resentful of her. I couldn’t imagine not attending my future DC wedding. I’m quite hurt.

AIBU or is her reasoning valid?

She doesn't approve of you, you're stealing her precious baby boy 🙄.

Sounds like SiL is jealous of your relationship with MiL and resents you for being the 'first' bride. MiL probably would love to come but is overwhelmed without her husband by her side and her daughter could be manipulating MiL with a guilt trip narrative.
Go and enjoy your wedding. Keep the wedding album, but have a couple of photos framed for MiL. You can be magnanimous enough to do that.
Just to add, all those posting along the lines of,' six years of grieving, 'get over it', do not have a clue.

She said about future children so I don't think they have any yet, she never said the kids are being rude. Yes she might be grieving but so will her son and I'm sure on this day he'll be missing his dad more than normal, he should have his family there and they just sound a very selfish bunch of people. If my partner passed, I would be greatful I got to spend the day at the wedding, watching my child get married, I'd be there to represent both of us. Mil sounds super selfish... she could have a lovely family around her and support and she just wants to make it about her

For your brother's wedding? How awful.

She's just not that in to you/ DH

Stop trying with her. If she can't give you one day for a major life event, she doesn't deserve your energy. Ditto for SiL.

Only do what suits you and will genuinely bring you pleasure.

DH sounds used to this dynamic and has quietly retreated. It's a decent survival strategy. His expectations are low, and there's little energy wasted.

I had a close relative kick off two days before my wedding (different issues and triggers to this) but I put their choices back in their own court. I accepted their decisions, and didn't try to talk them round but emphisied each time "ok, that's your choice". It wasn't the desired response and in the end they did re-evaluate the relationship and adjust their behaviour and they did decide that it wasn't worth writing off the relationship over.

Don't send any photos/ albums to people that didn't go without decent reason.

It's hard that this has happened before the wedding, but better now than if/ when children enter the equation. You know to have zero expectations of her. Don't believe any promises, it's action that counts. She clearly plays at favourites anyway, and often this gets more evident when golden child has their own children. They can also treat grandchild siblings differently.

If a relationship continues after this, keep it polite with little emotion invested. Keep expectations low. Expect declines to invitations and flakiness. Only invite to things that can proceed happily around their flakiness and uninterest.

I’m assuming your wedding is on a weekday? If that is the case then your guests ability to attend clearly isn’t your priority, so not sure you why you are now complaining about it.

Um because it’s the groom’s MOTHER and his SISTER. Only one of whom appears to work and no info about not being able to take leave, just that she doesn’t want to. It doesn’t say the MIL works, she may well be retired and her reason is even more dubious and unrelated to taking annual leave.

I do know that in some jobs you just can’t take leave such as in teaching but it’s framed as in SIL doesn’t want to, not that she can’t. Most normal people wouldn’t hesitate to take leave for the wedding of an immediate family member such as a sibling, parent or child. Come on now.

As for why it’s a weekday wedding, I’d imagine for cost reasons.

I feel like we’re only getting half a story here. Was the invitation formal? Weird to just say they’re not coming because of work etc. Sounds you’re not really very close!

Had a MIL like this and we fell out on holiday, essentially the straw that broke the camels back - she wielded so much power over her darling 'adult' child that we filed for divorce on our return.

That’s upsetting. They’ve shown you how much effort (none!!) they’re prepared to make for guys, so place them on the same pecking order. I now expend the same effort on my father that he expends on us. It helps me feel less upset if that makes sense.

Hope you have a fabulous wedding!!

From reading someone else's post, have you excluded your future SIL's long-term partner? Is that why she won't come? And is that why your MIL is following her decision, out of loyalty?

DUBUEM ...
"Just to add, all those posting along the lines of,' six years of grieving, 'get over it', do not have a clue"

I think you'll see that at no point did I say "get over it" .... what I said was that the bereavement wasn't new, and that I am aware that it takes people different times to grieve.... didn't you read that part ??? ... BUT..... it HAS been 6 years, and regardless of anyone's opinion, that's a matter of fact !!! .... 6 lots of birthdays, 6 Christmases. Are you saying she won't have celebrated any of those in 6 years?? Never gone out for lunch ?? Never gone anywhere with a friend ?? Will she have nothing to do with the soon to arrive grandchild because her husband isn't here to see it ?? Also, the bereavement issue wasn't the MIL's first reason for refusing to go.... it was because the SIL wasnt going !!!

And for your information..... I do "HAVE A CLUE" about bereavement. And NO bereavement would ever keep me from my son's wedding, regardless of timescale !!!!!

It doesn’t make any sense to me, unless there’s more going on? Is she well…mentally and physically?

why wouldn’t she want to see her son get married? It’s a big deal. It’s not like you’re inviting her to a meal in a restaurant that she may not want to go to?

I think you might have posted on the wrong thread. Your reply bears little relation to the facts in the OP's posts and you even made something up completely - where does "Even your children are being rude to her.." come from? Not the OP, that's for sure!

I agree. I don’t think OP has even mentioned having children @Maddy70

For your own brothers wedding? Unless you don’t get on then you’re as crazy as they are!