Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

241 replies

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:34

I am/was close to DP’s mum. DP and I are getting married in two weeks. Of course we invited STB MIL and DPs sister and brother. None of them are coming,

DP’s sister said she didn’t want to use up a days annual leave (she’s known about our wedding for months) and MIL is just not going because SIL is not going. When DP said she should still come, MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry).

BIL’s wife is expecting a baby imminently and he lives far out, so his reasoning I can understand.

I rarely talk about our wedding but when I did briefly mention something over dinner one evening, it was clear MIL wasn’t interested and she changed the subject.

It also smarts that when we announced our engagement, not one of DH’s siblings, or MIL so much as congratulated him. Yet if MIL stumps her toe, we’re expected to be by her bedside.

DH will have none of his family at our wedding. I have seen MIL in a new light and I am growing resentful of her. I couldn’t imagine not attending my future DC wedding. I’m quite hurt.

AIBU or is her reasoning valid?

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:51

@NewName24 There is no backstory. MIL and I have always got on. It’s as simple as I am saying. I see MIL more than DP does.

It is hard to describe but I feel like I’m part of their family, but then they’ll do something (like this) or say somethimg to make it clear I’m not. I find it very confusing.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 01/09/2024 22:52

I would be hurt as she doesn't have a good reason not to attend, she just doesn't want to. I wouldn't make a fuss, I would just get on and have a lovely wedding without her. But I would cut right back on making an effort with her. She has shown you how much she values your relationship!

Schoolchoicesucks · 01/09/2024 22:52

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

You wouldn't take a day's annual leave to attend your DC's wedding?

How odd.

Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:52

DP doesn’t seem overly bothered by it, but I am angered by the selfishness of it. DP doesn’t want to cause problems that he doesn’t care about.

OP posts:
Testina · 01/09/2024 22:53

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:48

DP is bothered by it but doesn’t see the point in causing upset over it. I’m closer to MIL than he is and it’s strangely bothering me more even though she’s not my DM.

I can’t imagine her doing this to SIL.

DP is very reserved and I’ve said after this I will be keeping my distance, but he thinks I’ll be causing unnecessary bad feeling.

These differences between you, his passivity, and the fact he’ll try to stop you standing up for yourself… honesty, that dynamic could cause you issues in your marriage in future. It’s hard to believe that he’s genuinely not bothered about this, rather than has defensively trained himself not to be bothered.

I’m surprised you describe yourself as close to her… I’d have but the distance in after she was so rude when you announced the wedding.

Both of your reactions to her just don’t seem healthy.

Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:53

They haven’t just dropped out, they’ve said no from the beginning when they were invited.

OP posts:
Testina · 01/09/2024 22:54

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

You are aware that huge swathes of the population work on weekends?

SantasRubiksCube · 01/09/2024 22:55

I'd say this is their not so passive aggressive way of saying they dislike or disapprove of you and the wedding. I understand it though, my DHs parents at first weren't going to come to our wedding as they 'didnt want to leave the dog alone too long' even though we were just having a small ceremony in the same town, and they managed to leave the dog to go to DHs brothers wedding. Even though we hadn't had any arguments or falling out, I took it as that it was because they didn't want him marrying me. DH explained to them it would upset him if they weren't there as would be his only family attending (very small family and DHs brother is an arsehole) they literally came to see us get married, have one photo then went home. At the time it meant the world to DH that they attended but not long after we were married they went NC with us so I understand how hurtful and difficult it can be to understand when at the end of the day you've done nothing wrong. If they insist on not coming then I'd distance myself from them in the future, they obviously don't care that much about your DP if they're willing to miss him getting married for pathetic excuses.

BarbaraHoward · 01/09/2024 22:55

What would her side of it be? It's just such a strange decision, nothing you've written here explains it but they must have a reason. Is it on a school day and SIL is a teacher? Is it on FIL's birthday or anniversary?

Are they hurt you didn't consult them on the date?

This is the kind of decision that breaks families, there must be a reason.

Testina · 01/09/2024 22:55

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:53

They haven’t just dropped out, they’ve said no from the beginning when they were invited.

What’s made you post about it now then, 2 weeks out? Did you think they were going to change their minds?

MrsBungle · 01/09/2024 22:55

This is so weird. I’d cut them out. They clearly don’t care about you both which is horrible.

Wellshellsbells · 01/09/2024 22:56

Fuck …..and I can’t stress this enough again this evening ….them bitches!!!

Bellyblueboy · 01/09/2024 22:56

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

For your siblings wedding??? How odd. I assume there is significant bad blood.

I take days off work to do incredibly boring stuff. Wouldn’t hesitate to take a day off to attend a wedding.

westernlights · 01/09/2024 22:58

Is she religious? Have either of you been married before?
This might have an impact how she feels, albeit old fashioned views

Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:58

@Testina I’m posting now because I’m genuinely confused as to whether it’s me BU for potentially upsetting MIL for expecting her to come when (she says) it will be difficult for her. It’s been on my mind but I feel like I can’t raise it.

OP posts:
Runnerinthenight · 01/09/2024 22:58

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

For your brother's wedding? Seriously?!

Testina · 01/09/2024 23:01

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:58

@Testina I’m posting now because I’m genuinely confused as to whether it’s me BU for potentially upsetting MIL for expecting her to come when (she says) it will be difficult for her. It’s been on my mind but I feel like I can’t raise it.

Well I think it’s odd to just accept it for months then raise it 2 weeks before.
And I think it’s your boyfriend’s role to raise it anyway.

Was your boyfriend’s brother’s baby’s due date already known when you set a date? Trying to guess if you signalled that family attendance didn’t matter to you if you knowingly clashed with that?

Portfun24 · 01/09/2024 23:04

This is so bloody sad. I'd be so upset. I feel terrible for your Dp. Wild horses wouldn't keep me away from any of my children's wedding day and I'd think very badly if I went to a wedding and the grooms family had just decided they weren't going for no reason. I understand the brothers reasoning as my dB had to do the exact same for my ds wedding as it was a week before my dsil was due and they live 2 hours away.

britneyisfree · 01/09/2024 23:04

I wouldn't give it too much thought tbh, I'd just cut them off.

Leave all contact going forward to your future DH.
Don't expect them to miraculously change when you have kids. They will let you down again and again.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 01/09/2024 23:05

How far would they have to travel? Would they need to stay overnight? Is she worried she'll be on her own? Will she know other people there? But it does sound odd that she doesn't want to be there. I can understand why you're hurt.

PrimalOwl10 · 01/09/2024 23:09

Personally I'd go nc. Wouldn't entertain having a relationship with them what a disgrace.

hattie43 · 01/09/2024 23:10

If his family can't even come to the wedding what's even the point of them . It's so hard to fathom they are missing his big day because of trivial reasons .

PinkyFlamingo · 01/09/2024 23:10

This doesn't bode well for the future if your DP wants you not to say anything to keep the peace as he sees it.

Craftysue · 01/09/2024 23:11

I went to my son's wedding a year after my husband died - yes it was painful at times but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. My son mentioned him in his speech and my new daughter in law carried a photo of him in her bouquet. If they don't attend I'm afraid I would be cutting or severely limiting contact.
I hope you have a fabulous day 🤞

Scentedjasmin · 01/09/2024 23:11

I would absolutely question their reasoning and explain how it's upsetting to you and DP as you would dearly like them there and that it's left you wondering if either of you have done anything to cause offence. Then, if they still say no, I would leave it at that and distance myself considerably. They must surely realise that they could cause a family rift here.