To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

[CheeseSnacker]

I am/was close to DP’s mum. DP and I are getting married in two weeks. Of course we invited STB MIL and DPs sister and brother. None of them are coming,

DP’s sister said she didn’t want to use up a days annual leave (she’s known about our wedding for months) and MIL is just not going because SIL is not going. When DP said she should still come, MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry).

BIL’s wife is expecting a baby imminently and he lives far out, so his reasoning I can understand.

I rarely talk about our wedding but when I did briefly mention something over dinner one evening, it was clear MIL wasn’t interested and she changed the subject.

It also smarts that when we announced our engagement, not one of DH’s siblings, or MIL so much as congratulated him. Yet if MIL stumps her toe, we’re expected to be by her bedside.

DH will have none of his family at our wedding. I have seen MIL in a new light and I am growing resentful of her. I couldn’t imagine not attending my future DC wedding. I’m quite hurt.

AIBU or is her reasoning valid?

Egh? And his family are causing bad feelings?

OP you know where you stand and your choice of NC or LC from now on.

One thing though why a wedding during the week- that does impact availability but for a family member SIL is bring mean.

MIL I can maybe understand wants to be part of a group attending and if she is the ONLY one from his side I could have some sympathy. Would she be allowed to bring a close friend?

Go and have Wonderful day and DO NOT let them spoil it. Don't mention it again to them and don't be surprised (and definitely do not make a big fuss of them) if they do randomly turn up... Keep us posted how your day goes - good luck and congrats

They are completely out of order not attending. Not wanting to use a days AL for your siblings wedding? I would be taking a big step back from them both

What will they do if you have children OP…..ignore them? Will your DH not raise this either? It beggars belief.

Ask her straight out what is the problem. You can't second guess what's in someone's mind. You need to tell her that he refusal to attend is hurtful to your DP and may well affect his future relationship with her.

Ah so it's because you are marrying before sil Nd she doesn't like it.
Mil will be at her wedding.
Leave them to get on with it!
YANBU.

I had a sil once who was insanely put out that we were having the first GC before her. She would say I'm having this baby before you I'm so much bigger but no nature took its course and the 40 week pregnancies occurred as they do and sol cried hysterically saying I wanted to be first.
Should have got on with it
So had sil already got married in OPs circumstances all would be good and mil would be coming to the wedding but she probably doesn't want the dramatics.
Will be interesting when sil gets married of course will you have any annual leave left.

But why, it's peculiar, it's her son!

My own mum was pretty weird about my wedding initially. We lost my dad many years ago (in my childhood). She never said she wouldn’t come but she had no interest in being involved or buying a special “mother of the bride” outfit. I was hurt but cracked on with planning it. Eventually my sister had a word with her and found out it was all about my dad not being there although he’s not been with us for decades. Fortunately sister had a firm but gentle word with my mum about it and how dad would have wanted us to celebrate etc and my mum got fully on board and we had a great day. I think with your FIL loss being more recent this may be harder to navigate but if you can find the appropriate person to have a quiet word and find a way to honour FIL in the celebration you might get somewhere (eg it is not uncommon to have a little table with photos of deceased family and friends you are thinking of on the day, of course he can be mentioned in speeches and you can do something more personal as well). This might help bring her on board so she doesn’t feel like he’s been forgotten or the family is “moving on”.

I'm sorry to say but this is incredibly selfish of them, they are missing their DS/DB wedding, one of the most special days of his life.
Reading between the lines, I'd imagine that DSIL is a little jealous you are getting married and maybe her partner doesn't want to/they are having problems I don't know either that or they don't like either of you.

In future just put no effort in, fine if they arrange something bur otherwise just don't bother.

Is it a second marriage?
Is it/not in a church?

These are things that cause people to be rude about weddings.

Or they just don't like you. Which is rude.

I know! Will be channeling @SatsumaCat s MIL going forth..

Maybe they really Like his previous Loves !!
Are they coming in the evening Could be dont do Churches But ML needs to Grow up sounds Like a princess My ML was ,
Think this is a distance yourself Job and Get really busy I feel for your Children if they have done this at your wedding .
Might be Broke ass dont wanna Buy you a gift ,
Have a great day and Get busy xx

From your posts OP, the family have had a few months notice of the wedding. So reading between the lines you booked a wedding knowing BIL wouldn’t be able to attend as his partner is about to give birth, not invited SIL partner, and booked a wedding on a weekday (are kids needing school runs an issue etc.). Could this be the case? If so, it’s obviously your wedding and completely up to you how you want to celebrate and invite who you wish, but they are also entitled to feel upset not to be considered and decline.

These were my first thoughts - a week day wedding? Why couldn't you have a wedding on a weekend so people with jobs in the family could attend? And at a date before your BiL's baby is due?

Still, it suggests there's a disregard of your DH in his own family, but if he won't say anything about it, then what can you do? I wonder whether his parents will regret not going.

But it is odd on both sides - yours to persist with a date that neither of your DH's siblings can attend and your DH's family for not making much of an effort. And it's odd that you feel there is no back story.

I would distance myself too OP and bollocks if she would be getting any photos.
is it possible SIL is jealous you are getting married before her?? And wants her mum to say no so that she attends her wedding first?

I think this is a "when people should you who they are, believe them" situation.

I wouldn't argue with her. I would enjoy your day with the family who do care about you. But I wouldn't be bending over to support her in future. If she feels your relationship is at an "polite acquaintances" level, than that's what she gets in return.

Perhaps this is the problem. Perhaps she needs to feel her pain and loss are acknowledged and then she can celebrate with you all. Also having someone to accompany her - a close friend or another family member might help her feel less alone at the wedding?

If it will literally just be your family and MIL I can see why she’d feel a bit anxious about going, are there other family members on DP’s side that could go with her or even a friend?

Not quite the same but, firstly, first H tried to kill me. Late F rang me said he hoped I wasn't going to get divorced and cause a scandal because he didn't want p upset because he was going to marry her! My late DM had died the previous year. Forward 10 years, getting married to second DH, late F told me he wouldn't be attending,no negative issues with DH,he drove lorry and helped them move when they downsized. I was very upset.... only child. Late F said it didn't matter to me whether he was there or not, I told him it did! I expect p didn't want to come. She died,he re married just before he died,I wasn't invited, only 3rd wife's DKs as witnesses.

They have shown their true colours. No MIL can’t have a fancy photo album to show her friends how wonderful she is.

yes there will be a moment of sadness and reflection on the people no longer with us but why miss out as it will be a regret.

would a plus one help so she can bring a friend with her? Maybe she doesn’t want to sit alone if it’s a small wedding.

that being said. DP doesn’t seem to mind as the important person is you. So next time wedding is brought up just say it’s such a shame you chose not to come.

and then don’t bother reaching out again. MIL will be quick to lean on DP when she becomes frail and the golden child does nothing to help.

Well perhaps the problem is dp.

Are you sure you want to marry into this batshit family?

Weddings are celebrations.

This was my thinking too. There's an odd family dynamic here, especially as DH seems used to this behavior. If you Google the scapegoat dynamic and perhaps narcissism for the mother/sister and see if it rings a bell.

None of this changes the situation though and I would emulated PPS mil and adopt a sort of proactive grey rock technique. Make no particular effort in return but but no arguing but also no toleration of bad behaviour/takin the piss with your time/lives.

I would also be very wary of how this future dynamic will effect any grandchildren going forward. If mil suddenly takes an interest in your children but treats them badly, what will your DH do? Shrug?

It is as if your DP's family disapprove of the marriage. While I wouldn't go no contact with them, I would stop making an effort. don't do anything for Mothering Sunday - The MIL isn't your mother, don't invite them for birthdays, Christmas etc, but be pleasant and polite on the occasions you do see them.

@Edingril you wouldn't take a day's annual leave for a sibling's wedding? How mean spirited

I'm surprised your partner isn't more upset, how hurtful.

I can't believe his own sister won't give a day's leave for her own brothers wedding!

Very much this, and would also be emulating SatsumaMIL.
'Oh that's a shame, anyway...'
I wouldn't want any children to get caught in this odd dynamic, either huge attention then dropped at whim of SIL, or just the same cold indifference here.
And absolutely wouldn't be sharing photos, via actual or electronic means, sounds like they'd be weaponised....
'It looks lovely.... we'd have loved to have gone.. but...sob....#reasons...poor victim us....'