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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

241 replies

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:34

I am/was close to DP’s mum. DP and I are getting married in two weeks. Of course we invited STB MIL and DPs sister and brother. None of them are coming,

DP’s sister said she didn’t want to use up a days annual leave (she’s known about our wedding for months) and MIL is just not going because SIL is not going. When DP said she should still come, MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry).

BIL’s wife is expecting a baby imminently and he lives far out, so his reasoning I can understand.

I rarely talk about our wedding but when I did briefly mention something over dinner one evening, it was clear MIL wasn’t interested and she changed the subject.

It also smarts that when we announced our engagement, not one of DH’s siblings, or MIL so much as congratulated him. Yet if MIL stumps her toe, we’re expected to be by her bedside.

DH will have none of his family at our wedding. I have seen MIL in a new light and I am growing resentful of her. I couldn’t imagine not attending my future DC wedding. I’m quite hurt.

AIBU or is her reasoning valid?

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 02/09/2024 01:52

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:58

@Testina I’m posting now because I’m genuinely confused as to whether it’s me BU for potentially upsetting MIL for expecting her to come when (she says) it will be difficult for her. It’s been on my mind but I feel like I can’t raise it.

Are BIL and his pregnant partner married? If so did she go to his wedding?

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/09/2024 01:57

I'm sorry on behalf of you and your DP. I would definitely want to be at all my DC's weddings. I've also been at a wedding where the bride's father had recently died and, although there were sad moments, everybody took comfort from knowing how happy he would have been. We were determined to enjoy the day more, in his memory.

LAMPS1 · 02/09/2024 02:10

Widowhood can be a very lonely and strange place especially if you aren’t that close to your dc. And grief can take on many lasting forms. It can change a person and cause all sorts of weird anxieties. Especially social anxieties and lack of confidence. Then it can cause guilt for not being able to handle the grief which can all be hidden from family.
I think it’s really good of you to be seeing your STB MIL so much especially when your DP doesn’t bother with her to the same extent. I wonder if she silently feels grateful for you but wishes with her whole heart that her DS could be more understanding even though she doesn’t open up about her grief to him. Maybe he just doesn’t want to know about her troubles as he finds it too hard himself and prefers a quiet life.
it sounds to me like they aren’t a family that communicates feelings easily.
SIL isn’t going so that means MIL would have nobody close to guide her through the day and through the prep of a new outfit etc.
Maybe her grief anxiety is just too much for her to attempt to do it alone if she doesn’t have a significant other by her side.
OP I may be barking up the wrong tree with all this but I do know a couple of introvert ladies who, in your MIL’s situation, would find this very difficult (but probably still make the massive effort to hide their feelings and go) I think it’s very sad that your MIL just can’t gather the strength to attend on her own.

I think SIL is mean and uncaring to dismiss her brother’s wedding so easily, especially if she knows her own mum will therefore be missing out on attending.
Maybe the problem lies in their relationship somehow.

ChilledMama85 · 02/09/2024 02:18

Janwholovesjam · 01/09/2024 22:49

Be careful OP….She is showing you who she is and the power she has over your life. Every occasion will be about her feelings.
If I were you I would just smile and say no problem. Absolutely do not set a precedent that if she behaves like this you’ll beg and plead and bend over backwards to accommodate her wishes.

I second that.

MIL isn't in a happy place so shouldn't be you ?! nonsens.

Make sure you are happy & enjoy your special day to the fullest.

Find a distraction eg. coffee dates with bestie, finalise wedding planning, go away for weekend with DP.

I'd stop mentioning the situation to your DP & pretend it doesn't bother me any longer.

I bet he'll get annoyed over the fact MIL isn't coming at some point, some one else will mention something about the wedding that rubs him the wrong & then I'd say something similar to what his response is atm. I'd be oh so cool with all that. This things seem to work themselves out.

Enjoy this special time & dont let anyone ANYONE spoil it for you OP.

HighPerformingFlamingo · 02/09/2024 02:18

OP, I find this strange. I read all your updates and can’t fathom why MIL would not attend. Considering you have been a couple for 8 years and have a close relationship. Maybe a heart-to-heart with MIL and DP may help.

AuntieMarys · 02/09/2024 03:28

Your dh sounds a bit wet...neither of you will tell her how you feel about this situation.

HerVagestyTheQueef · 02/09/2024 04:01

Take a step back. A big step. In the future, she’ll not be there for your children or at any other time you might need help or support, and it will only lead to hurt if you expect anything at all from her. She doesn’t see you or your DP - her son! - as important.

As others have said, wild horses wouldn’t keep me from my children’s weddings.

Jinglesomeoftheway · 02/09/2024 05:54

It's absolutely horrendous she's not attending, and not something I'd ever be able to forgive.

I've never ever known a parent not attend a wedding through choice.

lovemycbf · 02/09/2024 06:14

Distance yourself is my advice
My husband's family are totally uninterested in our lives or children so I literally haven't bothered for many years.
If they make no effort then don't make any back

Bestyearever2024 · 02/09/2024 06:26

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:48

DP is bothered by it but doesn’t see the point in causing upset over it. I’m closer to MIL than he is and it’s strangely bothering me more even though she’s not my DM.

I can’t imagine her doing this to SIL.

DP is very reserved and I’ve said after this I will be keeping my distance, but he thinks I’ll be causing unnecessary bad feeling.

If you asked him to make a fuss FOR YOU....because it means a lot TO YOU for MIL and SIL to be at the wedding......what would he say and do?

autienotnaughty · 02/09/2024 06:47

I'm guessing your dp is use to their behaviour when he asks something of them so this is less of a surprise.

I'd be furious on his behalf and would struggle to make an effort with any of them going forward.

Velvian · 02/09/2024 07:05

@CheeseSnacker , could you offer MIL a plus 1? Does she have a best friend or sister or cousin that could come to support her? It sounds like SIL is her emotional support usually.

Aishah231 · 02/09/2024 07:07

I would start distancing yourself from them OP. Don't have a major fall out of your DP wants to maintain good relations. However stop any contact outside of what your DP organises.

LunaandLily · 02/09/2024 07:30

Has anyone said it’s “stubs” your toe, not stumps? Haven’t RTFT

Shortpoet · 02/09/2024 07:51

Is there a golden child / scapegoat dynamic going on in the family. E.g. SIL can do no wrong in MIL’s eyes, your DP can do no right or is always ignored.

His passive acceptance, and his fear that you withdrawing will cause trouble suggests it to me.

If so, you can’t win. The only way to have peace is not to engage with them.

Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 02/09/2024 07:53

I’ve RTFT and the consensus seems to be IANBU. Except for @LunaandLily . IABU, I believe you are right 😁

I’ve spoken to DP about it at length as we were getting ready for work this morning and he says whilst annoyed, he didn’t expect anything different. SIL has always been the golden child and her and MIL are very close.

DP does not want to raise it, because he doesn’t want to cause issues. PPs are right in that the family are not good communicators;
everything is brushed under the carpet (and bitched about behind closed doors). Whilst I did consider myself close to MIL, I’ve always known she has the potential to be mean by the way she discusses other family members.

Another poster has nailed it by saying that my relationship with MIL is a facade and I strongly suspect now that this is the case.
Come to think of it, I’ve tried too hard to have a relationship with her and whilst we have always got on, it is rather one sided.

PPs suggested that we sit MIL down and discuss it, but considering the pathetic excuses we’ve already had from her, I don’t want to bother.

MIL did ask for a copy of the photo album to show her friends. The brass neck of it.

OP posts:
Testina · 02/09/2024 08:05

CheeseSnacker · 02/09/2024 07:53

I’ve RTFT and the consensus seems to be IANBU. Except for @LunaandLily . IABU, I believe you are right 😁

I’ve spoken to DP about it at length as we were getting ready for work this morning and he says whilst annoyed, he didn’t expect anything different. SIL has always been the golden child and her and MIL are very close.

DP does not want to raise it, because he doesn’t want to cause issues. PPs are right in that the family are not good communicators;
everything is brushed under the carpet (and bitched about behind closed doors). Whilst I did consider myself close to MIL, I’ve always known she has the potential to be mean by the way she discusses other family members.

Another poster has nailed it by saying that my relationship with MIL is a facade and I strongly suspect now that this is the case.
Come to think of it, I’ve tried too hard to have a relationship with her and whilst we have always got on, it is rather one sided.

PPs suggested that we sit MIL down and discuss it, but considering the pathetic excuses we’ve already had from her, I don’t want to bother.

MIL did ask for a copy of the photo album to show her friends. The brass neck of it.

You know this thread would have made a lot more sense and cut out some confused guesses if you’d just given this info in your OP? 😆

Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 02/09/2024 08:08

@Testina But in spite of this, the family generally get on well. So I don’t feel it’s relevant to MIL refusal. It is only this thread that has made me realise that our relationship is only good on the surface. I’m a bit too trusting and naive when it comes to social relationships.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 02/09/2024 08:09

I actually think DPs sister's reason is worse.

millymoo1202 · 02/09/2024 08:13

They’re the ones causing unnecessary bad feeling! How very strange to not want to go to your son/brothers wedding! Just wait till you have kids, they’ll be even worse. I’d be taking a wide berth

LunaandLily · 02/09/2024 08:15

The whole situation is quite bizarre in that the refusal is from a MIL who you seem to get on well with, on the face of it. As DH will not confront the situation, you need to commit to not caring. Make the decision to enjoy your day and your life and view it as MIL’s loss. I had a poor relationship with my PILs - there was no pretence of friendliness - and once I understood they wouldn’t change their characters or views, I stopped caring and was so much happier.

LunaandLily · 02/09/2024 08:17

Is there a possibility that SIL/BIL are not coming in support of MIL? That certainly happened my situ.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/09/2024 08:17

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:53

They haven’t just dropped out, they’ve said no from the beginning when they were invited.

So from the outset they were clear that they weren't going to be attending.

I think with the utmost respect to you here @CheeseSnacker, this is more of a 'you' problem to get past and not a 'them' problem to fix. If your soon to be DH is disappointed but has managed to accept that this is what they will do. You have to follow his lead here.

They know there is an invitation open to them to attend so if they show up - great. Otherwise, just crack on with your wedding and have fun without them!
That is my honest advice here.

lemonpepperlady · 02/09/2024 08:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Wickedstepsister · 02/09/2024 08:30

Sorry I’m another one who thinks there is more to this story. Having been the family member to an unreasonable in-law who decided to disinvite me and DH to a wedding, then lied to the whole family to say we decided not to come because our DC was poorly - you need to look at your own behaviour too.

did you knowingly book a wedding knowing SIL will be heavily pregnant and not be able to attend? Not invite parters etc?