To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

[CheeseSnacker]

I am/was close to DP’s mum. DP and I are getting married in two weeks. Of course we invited STB MIL and DPs sister and brother. None of them are coming,

DP’s sister said she didn’t want to use up a days annual leave (she’s known about our wedding for months) and MIL is just not going because SIL is not going. When DP said she should still come, MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry).

BIL’s wife is expecting a baby imminently and he lives far out, so his reasoning I can understand.

I rarely talk about our wedding but when I did briefly mention something over dinner one evening, it was clear MIL wasn’t interested and she changed the subject.

It also smarts that when we announced our engagement, not one of DH’s siblings, or MIL so much as congratulated him. Yet if MIL stumps her toe, we’re expected to be by her bedside.

DH will have none of his family at our wedding. I have seen MIL in a new light and I am growing resentful of her. I couldn’t imagine not attending my future DC wedding. I’m quite hurt.

AIBU or is her reasoning valid?

Absolutely this.

This totally!

This

100% agree with this. Be led by your DP. It’s his family. They may be rubbish communicators but you can be open. Preferably DP should lead this, but if not you should let all of them know how sad it makes you to not have them there. His dad can’t be there but they can be.

Try to find a solution to them joining your celebration, e.g. if wedding on a Fri and SIL won’t take leave, could she meet you on the Sat for a family post-wedding lunch to celebrate? Or could you plan a family celebration later when BIL’s baby has arrived? Try to have empathy for your MIL. Her DC’s wedding must trigger bereavement, make her miss FIL and feel lonely/unconfident.

Aim to remain on good terms. Once family rifts start, they’re v hard to rectify. And if you have kids, she’s their GM. But focus on your DP and having a great time with all the people who want to be there to celebrate with you. They’re the people who you can rely on. And I wouldn’t trust or rely on MIL or SIL, or try to get too close to them, given they’ve been like this about your special day.

‘No we’re not going to do copies of the photo album, you’re welcome to come and look at it here of course. Surely your friends would find it very strange that you didn’t come to your own son’s wedding, would you really want to show them photos of us with just my family celebrating with us and not his own?’

It's just so odd not to go to close families weddings unless a massive fallout, everyone will be wondering where they are

did either of your DP's siblings get married? did she attend their weddings?
do you think she would?
you don't have to scorch any earth, but it would be good to both talk to his mother and explain in simple words how hurtful her attitude has been, and that this will mean a change in how you treat her in future - she can't expect you to show her the same care and respect you've shown her up till now, or be as available to help her, she shouldn't expect the same level of gifts/ cards/ visits from you both, and your wedding photos/ children will not be available for her to show off to her friends!

Perhaps not try to persuade them to come, but point out to them that this can't be undone once the wedding is over. This is their son/brother and there's no going back in time to witness one of the most significant events in your lives.

How reasonable is SIL? Could
You say this to her and tell her how hurt your DP is in the hope she'd change her mind?

I think SIL is key here. My guess is SIL doesn’t like you and may have bitched to MIL who has then agreed and nodded along, regardless of her feelings towards you (she may dislike you too and is happy to pretend otherwise when around you). MIL may not be very confident enough to go to family stuff without SIL if they are close and she the golden child, or will not want to be seen to cross SIL given she knows her opinion about you, and has possibly agreed with.

Either way they have shown true colours I would back way off in future. Give the same excuse if SIL gets married.

To the PPs saying there’s a back story. I assure you there’s not. We have got along quite well with the rare disagreement, which has always been resolved. We don’t live in each others pockets, but we have regular contact and I make all the effort for MIL because I wanted to. DP rarely makes an effort and isn’t bothered by this.

BIL is not married to his wife as of yet so DPs is the first wedding in the family. SIL also has a long term partner.

I do think MIL doesn’t want to come without SIL and I do understand she may be triggered but I also think it’s a cop out. MIL has managed to go out to various activities with her friends and celebrate big birthdays. Yes it’s sad, but to not go at all? I believe she will of course attend SIL eventual wedding.

Our wedding is not far away, it’s perfectly accessible by bus or taxi or car. It’s a very small civil wedding with only my parents, siblings and DPs mum and siblings invited.

I’ve decided I need to take a middle ground and try to stop caring, but it does smart when I feel I’ve gone out of my way to show them I care and want them to be involved.

I don’t want to talk to MIL about it because as much as I do like her, she is quick to turn things if she feels under attack. Her and SIL close ranks and I will be made to feel like I’m wrong; they are not very forgiving and remember things in an exaggerated negative light. My personality as a whole would not be able to cope with the stress of this. Wet or not, it’s how I am.

So did you invited Sil/bil partners? Could that be the issue?

I think there is a back story OP- just not one you’re aware of.

MIL sounds controlling and SIL is a chip off the old block. ( and dare I say both have narcissistic traits?)

the fact that your DP doesn’t ever raise these issues, suggests he’s learned to do it as a coping mechanism and is actually regularly on the receiving end of this kind of horrible behaviour.

unless your SiL is going on a BIG holiday/ maternity leave and needs every scrap of leave, then I can’t see her decision being justified. I’d take a days leave for a friend’s wedding.

From your posts OP, the family have had a few months notice of the wedding. So reading between the lines you booked a wedding knowing BIL wouldn’t be able to attend as his partner is about to give birth, not invited SIL partner, and booked a wedding on a weekday (are kids needing school runs an issue etc.). Could this be the case? If so, it’s obviously your wedding and completely up to you how you want to celebrate and invite who you wish, but they are also entitled to feel upset not to be considered and decline.

personally if this was the case I would be miffed my DP didn’t get an invite, but would still attend because it’s not worth an argument. But family’s can be strange with these things.

i would also take your future DH lead. Unless he wishes to bring it up, leave it be, it will either blow over or the family will show you who they are.

enjoy your day and do your best to put them to the back of your mind.

It’s a very small civil wedding with only my parents, siblings and DPs mum and siblings invited.
Is there a chance she doesn't think it's a "proper" wedding and not worth her time? Stranger opinions have been known. Did she want a bigger one so she can incite more friends and SIL is similarly not taking leave because she doesn't think it's a big enough deal to be worth it?

People do get very fixed ideas about what's appropriate at weddings and lose their heads if they don't see the wedding type they expect

This is such odd behaviour OP, I can't get my head around it. I'd fly across the world to attend my DCs wedding. What have your parents said about it? It's going to put a real dampener on the day.

I still think you should try and talk to your MIL and/or your SIL.
It will be a difficult day in many ways in terms of your FIL no longer being around but could you find a way to include him in the service? Perhaps a treasured photograph strategically placed? My friend whose father is no longer alive had helium balloons with her Dad's photograph around the reception. I know this sounds a bit tacky but trust me it wasn't and it was a really lovely tribute.
When a loved one is lost all future family events become happy/sad if you could show your MIL you understand this it might help.
Good luck with resolving and I really hope you do.

My SIL got married recently. It was a really small wedding - basically immediate family for the ceremony and then 30ish friends at the reception afterwards. Neither of the groom's parents turned up. His mum said she didn't want to come up because she'd 'woken up feeling tired' and his dad wouldn't go on his own. For context, the wedding was taking place in a register office and then a hotel that were about ten minutes, at most, from their home. All they actually had to do was attend the ceremony and spend maybe an hour at the reception, but no. 'Too tired' apparently.

@KreedKafer that's awful! What is wrong with some people.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but at least you know what they're really like now so you won't depend on them for anything. I think you're right not to raise it with them, they must know deep down that they're being very unreasonable, so they could get defensive.

You can have a relationship with them on your terms now - suit yourself and see them when you want to.

I hope you have a lovely day - send them a couple of photos of you and your new DP and your family looking incredibly happy, with a breezy 'sorry you couldn't make it, having a wonderful day!'.

Your MIL sounds like a covert narcissist and this is a typical action of one. Your DP sounds ground down by her behaviour but not surprised which suggests that she’s been like this all his life. Covert narcs can seem pleasant and self-effacing so that’s why it might seem like you got on. But it was all an illusion.
My mum is also a covert narc and maintains a pleasant facade towards my DP and my sister’s DH. I’ve no idea what she says about my DP but she’s been really nasty to my BIL behind his back yet she is all smiles when she sees him. I don’t want my poor DP to get involved in her shit so I try to keep them at a bit of a distance. I’m not sure he’d fully understand and would feel betrayed. I’ve grown up with it though so I know what it’s like.
With my mum and maybe with your MIL as well I think it stems from jealousy- she doesn’t like it when other people are happy and successful.

Is BIL's new baby the first grandchild? If they are I assume she won't be seeing the baby then as FIL wasn't around to see any grandchild or they will be the first after he passed so it will be too triggering.

Your MIL & SIL sound awful. I hope your DH has a good relationship wtih your family and you have lots of friends.

For your own child's wedding? Get real.

haha so much this - snide sweet ‘oh it’s such a shame you won’t be able to visit baby!’ Her?? What? You: well fil won’t be there will he? So it wouldn’t be right surely.

tjis is after you do sense check it’s not she doesn’t feel she can cope without knowing people or it’s extreme grief, although from the way your dh is reacting it’s not that and she’s just another weirdo distancing family as fast as she can, its worth sounding those factors out.

Our wedding is not far away, it’s perfectly accessible by bus or taxi or car. It’s a very small civil wedding with only my parents, siblings and DPs mum and siblings invited

Then why does anyone need to take annual leave if there is no travel involved?

It's the sister that won't take annual leave, but it's still ridiculous. My sister got married on a Friday, I took the week off.