To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

[CheeseSnacker]

I am/was close to DP’s mum. DP and I are getting married in two weeks. Of course we invited STB MIL and DPs sister and brother. None of them are coming,

DP’s sister said she didn’t want to use up a days annual leave (she’s known about our wedding for months) and MIL is just not going because SIL is not going. When DP said she should still come, MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry).

BIL’s wife is expecting a baby imminently and he lives far out, so his reasoning I can understand.

I rarely talk about our wedding but when I did briefly mention something over dinner one evening, it was clear MIL wasn’t interested and she changed the subject.

It also smarts that when we announced our engagement, not one of DH’s siblings, or MIL so much as congratulated him. Yet if MIL stumps her toe, we’re expected to be by her bedside.

DH will have none of his family at our wedding. I have seen MIL in a new light and I am growing resentful of her. I couldn’t imagine not attending my future DC wedding. I’m quite hurt.

AIBU or is her reasoning valid?

I would think that's obvious because they wouldnt be in work they'd be at the wedding

I'm sorry OP, but by saying that she doesn't want to use a day of annual leave to go to her brothers wedding, SIL is giving you both a deliberate, calculated insult. It is designed to show that you have no value in her world and I'd bear that in mind in future dealings, if nothing else. MIL is hiding behind an excuse (pretty rubbish one) and her priority is clearly always going to be SIL.

It's hard to realise that people you value don't feel the same and I would suggest being very honest with your DH to be about how it has made you feel and where you need your boundaries to be going forward. He's probably become accustomed to being "less", which is horrible in itself, but it doesn't mean that you have to accept it. He needs to know, though, to pevent issues in your relationship down the line.

Your DP will have become used to being the scapegoat, and will be conditioned not to 'rock the boat', whilst his Golden Child sister is in cahoots with MIL.

There's no point speaking to MIL about this or trying to persuade her - in fact this plays into her hands, as it's the kind of attention she wants.

You may find that if you take a step back from her and don't mention the wedding again, she'll start to make an effort (trying to hoover you back into her web) and may even turn up to the wedding (as a limeight grab). Or she'll cut you off and bitch about you to the family.

But whatever happens, look at this all as a positive - you never have to attend a family function of theirs ever again - after all, if family was important, they'd have come to their son/sibling's wedding, wouldn't they?

OP, please respect your partners wishes.
It is clear this is no more than he expects.
There is nothing you can do to change this, so say nothing.

But drop the rope completely.
Match her energy completely.
Only return a call.
No invites to meet for coffee.
Do not call to her house.
If she reaches out, respond in kind.
Put a lovely photo up of those that made it.
If anyone asks, they simply couldn't make it.
Any questions why? "You would have to ask them"🤷🏻‍♀️
No excuses.
Certainly no album bring given to her, the cheek.
If you have a family together, don't expose them to such behaviour.
Time, effort and energy that you might invest in her, use in other areas of your life.

This is not normal.
Don't treat it like it is.
Not another further word about the wedding.
Keep them COMPLETELY out of the loop of what is going on in your lives.
Support your partners wishes.

You seem to be focusing on the wrong thing here.

The fact she is posting on mumsnet now doesn’t mean she accepted it and irrespective of if she accepted it or not it doesn’t change the fact it’s a unusual and ridiculous thing to do to your brother and child.

If I were OP I would be keeping them at arms length so there no expectation or disappointment when she has kids.

It’s a shame that her DH has resigned himself to getting married without any of his family members but it’s not OPs job to fix it, she needs to keep herself away from them and protect herself and none of this “MIL and I are close” business. You’re not.

And I would go as far as ask you to speak to your DH about seeing a therapist or something to work through the trauma of growing up second tk a golden child. While he may be acting all calm he is probably just pushing it feel down and not resolving it and as we all know unresolved issues and feelings always find a way to come out and unfortunately it’s the spouse who has to deal with the brunt.

Can’t you just go no contact, OP? Leave DH to see them, call them or message them if he wants but you should just go NC with MIL and SIL.

Why even try for a middle ground with such cunts?

I agree with this sentiment op.

I've learned the hard way that everyone and every family is different, and "closeness" has to go both ways or it only causes hurt. You can't control what they do, but you can control what you do with the information that gives you. I'd be polite, but give up any idea of closeness. Don't chase them, don't apologise for them, just redefine the relationship you have with them in your head to save yourself from future upset.

Have a wonderful joyful wedding 😊

Could your dp contact someone that he knows his DM would listen to ?
A sister of hers or a long standing friend ? Maybe one of the people she wants to show the wedding album to ?
Someone who will point out to her how damaging this is to her relationship with you both, and how, once the wedding is missed, there is no second chance ?

This is correct. Nothing rlse fits the particulars in the OP’s posts.

I wouldn’t bother begging or pleading with mil or sil or telling them you are hurt.
It will just give the pair of them something to laugh about.

I wouldn’t discuss it again. However I would make sure that if and when the next of her children gets married I would be straight in with

”Oh what a pity you won’t be there” If it is bil’s wedding, I would tell him to not waste an invite on his mother as she won’t come because as his father didn’t see any of his children married then she wouldn’t either

Just don’t go out of your way to include them in anything.

Of course you don’t give her any photos
FIL didn’t get to see photos of his children’s wedding so in the same vein it is going against everything she said for her to see them

OP, I think you are hoping for more & pushing reality away. It really is time to wake up and smell the coffee. They don't value you or your DH to be.

Go and have best wedding with the people who love you.

My in laws didn’t come to our wedding,reason being they didn’t want to leave the dog for more than an hour. We thought it was because FIL didn’t want to drive but my husband offered to collect them and drop them back but no it was the bloody dog.
we now own the dog as both IL’s died and we leave her for more than a couple of hours with no issue 🙄

She doesn’t want to go to your wedding. End off. Move on.

yanbu.
I’d have nothing to do with any of them ever again. What a disgrace!

For my brother’s wedding? Yes, I’d take the day off!

Oh OP I am so sorry. It just sounds so callous. I’d ditch the lot of them and just concentrate on the lovely family you are creating, your own parents and your dearest friends. Hugs to you all.

What day are you getting married? You say SIL doesn't want to take any annual leave?

I have a MIL who was similarly cold regarding my DH. I've not forgiven her, even if he is visiting her occasionally due to me kicking his behind. Well enough to do what she wants to do but not well enough to do anything involving DH.

Hi op,

if you are confused it is because she is not fully honest evidently. She doesn’t have to tbh, by that I mean that it looks like she is keeping the statu quo well but isn’t emotionally connected to you.

All in all, whether you feel closer to MIL than your dp isn’t the question if she refuses to come. Let your do handle it. If he isn’t bothered and do not want to make a fuss then why would you? It shows the actual level of her connection with you two…take the hint. It is a big one.

Good luck 🌺

Dp not do

They are signaling the amount of effort they are prepared to go to (emotional or otherwise) for their son/brother - absolutely none. Your DP is not surprised and has his own coping mechanisms in place already (he chooses to not engage). Now you know how this family operates. I feel bad for your DP but strongly advise that you follow his lead on how to deal with them. He has presumably developed his coping mechanisms over a lifetime of batshittery with his DM and DS. They come as part of a family package when you marry him, but it sounds like they will not be the MIL/SIL you might have hoped for. Don't try and change his family and don't be upset when they don't perform the roles you might have liked them to. Do have a wonderful wedding with the people who want to celebrate with you.

We don’t live in each others pockets, but we have regular contact and I make all the effort for MIL because I wanted to. DP rarely makes an effort and isn’t bothered by this.

There are exceptions but in general I think it’s a mistake to make more effort with a DP’s family than the DP is prepared to make himself. You don’t have the history and rocking the boat will likely affect the DP for longer and in more ways than it would you.

I’m sorry, OP, it sounds like your MiL is showing you her true colours. I would take a leaf out of your DP’s book and stop putting in so much effort.

Sorry to hear this OP. I think it’s very odd of your MIL not to attend her own son’s wedding. I am not surprised you are hurt. Would it be possible for someone ie a close trusted family member to explain to her how much it would mean to you both for her to be there? Do you think she could have mental health problems? It’s just not normal for a mum not to go to her own child’s wedding. The only other circumstance in which I could envisage such a scenario would be if MIL and DP had fallen out.
I hope you resolve this and have a wonderful wedding day.

Weddings bring out the worst in people. DH’s brother and family left ours after the service and have had nothing to do with us since. Just have your day. Have the best day you can with the people who love you and have made the effort. You can’t change people. It isn’t worth second guessing them. Just don’t let it put a downer on your day! Congratulations in advance.