To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

[CheeseSnacker]

I am/was close to DP’s mum. DP and I are getting married in two weeks. Of course we invited STB MIL and DPs sister and brother. None of them are coming,

DP’s sister said she didn’t want to use up a days annual leave (she’s known about our wedding for months) and MIL is just not going because SIL is not going. When DP said she should still come, MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry).

BIL’s wife is expecting a baby imminently and he lives far out, so his reasoning I can understand.

I rarely talk about our wedding but when I did briefly mention something over dinner one evening, it was clear MIL wasn’t interested and she changed the subject.

It also smarts that when we announced our engagement, not one of DH’s siblings, or MIL so much as congratulated him. Yet if MIL stumps her toe, we’re expected to be by her bedside.

DH will have none of his family at our wedding. I have seen MIL in a new light and I am growing resentful of her. I couldn’t imagine not attending my future DC wedding. I’m quite hurt.

AIBU or is her reasoning valid?

The trouble with being ‘part of the family’ is that in some families the parents aren’t that interested in one or all their adult children’s lives You’re the one who makes more of an effort with your MIL but she’s also doing this to her son who is blood.

When you say that your DP ‘doesn’t seem overly bothered by it,’ I’d wonder if he’s just accustomed to it. He’s had a lifetime of this.

My mother attended my wedding three months after my stepdad died. Honestly OP, YANBU, and I can't fathom how anyone would chose not to attend her son's wedding for any reason. Also SIL is BVU - I can't imagine anyone not wanting to take a day's leave to attend their brother's wedding. DP's brother is the only one with a valid excuse. They sound beyond weird tbh. I would be cooling off my relationship after this, it really is not on. If they can't make an effort to go to their own son's/brother's wedding then I would be making little effort to have anything to do with them.

How utterly insane. What can you do but just smile and go along with it.

Your MIL and you aren't close, you are just more entertaining than her son is to her. They have no bond.

This is great to face now as you can prioritise you and MIL can just be a someone you know of. If you DH wants to see her, buy her things, whatever, let him crack on without you.

The next time MIL asks you to do something tell her it will be too difficult.

Oh wow, what an uncaring family

I hope you and your partner have a wonderful day without the miserable, weird fuckers

Not for a sibling's wedding? 🤯

For your brother's wedding? Weird.

I don't think I'd care if I made waves, they seem to not care about making waves themself anyways.

I can’t understand their logic at all.
Did they expect that you’d consult them about the date but you didn’t? I’m clutching at straws here as both MIL and SIL have produced really batshit excuses.
I don’t think you are close to your MIL . You are probably nice and chatty and she goes along with it as it suits her but that’s all. She put you on your place from time to time deliberately, it’s a power play on her side.
She is probably not happy that you’re getting married maybe because now your status will change officially or maybe something else.
Is SIL married by the way?

My MIL and BIL chose not to attend our wedding. She used the fear of getting Covid as an excuse even though lockdown was long over by then, and there was really no excuse for my DH’s brother not to come, other than his social awkwardness.

I just can’t understand why she didn’t want to be there. She was only thinking of herself and I was so upset for my DH to have no family there on the biggest day of our lives. I find it very hard to get past and haven’t spoken to or seen her for more than two years.

I really feel for you. I would tell your MIL how upsetting this is for both of you then go LC if she doesn’t turn up.

MIL’s reasoning bit out of whack 🤨. FIL didn’t live to see any of his DC marry, so she won’t see her DS marry either, even though she’s alive? Did she go to her other DC’s weddings. Perhaps she feels a bit wobbly coming on her own. Could you suggest she brings a friend or another relative and make it easy for her to stay over etc. At end of day, though, your wedding should be a day for you to party on down. If people can’t/won’t join you, their loss. Enjoy!

She objects to your marriage in some way. Probably can’t stand the thought of her son moving on and having a different family. Same with SIL. Bizarre to just not attend the wedding of such a close family member.

Do you think MIL won't go because she won't know anybody there given that BIL and SIL aren't going either? Or will it be a long way to travel? Involve an overnight stay?

Ignoring the rude SIL and concentrating on MIL - is it because she would be alone? Does DH have aunts/uncles, cousins - long standing friends of the family attending that she could sit with? Is she worried about getting there feeling awkward if you have a big family
Does she have a close friend or neighbour that could accompany her?

I would make a final attempt - call her and say how sad DH is that she has decided not to attend his wedding. Tell her that you are sad as you thought the two of you were close but this is telling you otherwise. Maybe speak to the pregnant sister and tell her how upset your DH is -perhaps she could persuade her

If your MIL still refuses, I would dial down the relationship. No copies of the wedding photos or video. No details at all. I wouldn't be at her beck and call either. DH would be visiting on his own for a good while. No invites to dinner/BBQ's if they chose no to attend the wedding without a good reason

This. It will be their loss of beautiful memories they could have shared with you both. I'd be polite but no longer go out of my way to meet up with them or send gifts for birthday and Xmas.

What this is mad. There is a reason they object to your wedding, even if you genuinely don’t know what it is.

honestly, with your partner’s passive acceptance of this, I’d be questioning marrying into this “family”. Too much drama, that will only escalate if you have kids.

Some people have weddings on Friday for costs and while inconvenient it’s a tiny price to attend your siblings or sons wedding. To take a stance that it will be a no from you is ridiculous.

To me it seems obvious that OP was good enough as a gf to the DP but that the family feel that either she or the DP don’t deserve the fuss that comes with the marriage/married state. They probably feel that DP doesn’t deserve the fuss and they extend their contempt for him to you.

For your brother's wedding?

MN truly is another world. I don't know anyone who wouldn't take a day's annual leave for a close family member's wedding (or a good friend's).

There is a really simple solution here. Just sit your MIL down and speak to her very calmly and very nicely to say you love her, explain what it would mean to you to have her at your wedding and how it won't be the same without her.
Good luck with sorting this out OP as with a lot of posts on Mumsnet communication is the key and what have you got to lose?

im waiting for the drip feed.

You mention annual leave so it seems that attending is not as simple as just coming to a venue at a convenient time and place. What are the barriers to attendance and why couldn’t you plan a wedding that did not have significant barriers, like needing to take annual leave, for your most critical guests?

now, I would be hard-pressed to miss my child’s wedding no matter how inconsiderate they were during planning, but I am curious how difficult you have made attendance for your MIL.

"MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry)" Strange reasoning (and perhaps just clutching at straws since her 1st reason was that her daughter wasn't going). Did she miss BIL's wedding too? Will she see BIL's new baby given that FIL might not have met any of his grandchildren?

I'd either accept she's just very odd and keep my distance a little to protect yourself and your family from that or I'd find out what's really the reason.

They are making a drama and it is all about your sister in laws feelings who controls Mum in law....but they ignore your DPs feelings time and again and he doesnt confront it. Because if he had to confront the truth it would be painful. your mother in law is putting on a front to you which is not sincere in any way. Get on with your Wedding preparations and splash out on a happy time without drama llamas. Draw a big boundary line around you them for visiting or meeting with them or the other way around in future. appalling way for a mother to treat a son...emotional neglect. But your husband will probably feel the need to pander to them later.