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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

241 replies

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:34

I am/was close to DP’s mum. DP and I are getting married in two weeks. Of course we invited STB MIL and DPs sister and brother. None of them are coming,

DP’s sister said she didn’t want to use up a days annual leave (she’s known about our wedding for months) and MIL is just not going because SIL is not going. When DP said she should still come, MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry).

BIL’s wife is expecting a baby imminently and he lives far out, so his reasoning I can understand.

I rarely talk about our wedding but when I did briefly mention something over dinner one evening, it was clear MIL wasn’t interested and she changed the subject.

It also smarts that when we announced our engagement, not one of DH’s siblings, or MIL so much as congratulated him. Yet if MIL stumps her toe, we’re expected to be by her bedside.

DH will have none of his family at our wedding. I have seen MIL in a new light and I am growing resentful of her. I couldn’t imagine not attending my future DC wedding. I’m quite hurt.

AIBU or is her reasoning valid?

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/09/2024 23:12

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

Why not? I must have missed the Law that states weddings must be on a weekend 🙄

PulpFaction · 01/09/2024 23:14

Imperrysmum · 01/09/2024 22:40

Your MIL is batshit and so is the sister.

This. Their reasoning is ridiculous.

I would get married and have nothing to do with them.

Not wanting to take a days leave for her own brother's wedding? Bloody hell!

Yalta · 01/09/2024 23:14

I think you might think you get on well with the family but people can hide all sorts of feelings behind a friendly facade

Is SIL the golden child and what ever she says goes

SatsumaCat · 01/09/2024 23:15

Me and my MIL were having a good chinwag the other week when she told me all about HER MIL's (GMIL) batshittery.

Apparently a few days before MILs wedding GMIL was round and the conversation went like this:

GMIL: I suppose I'll see you soon
MIL: Well the wedding is on Saturday
GMIL: Oh I'm not going to come
MIL: Oh right
GMIL: Did you hear me?
MIL: You said you're not coming to the wedding?
GMIL: I thought you''d try and persuade me
MIL: Oh well if you've made up your mind it's not up to me is it. Goodbye then.

GMIL did turn up to the wedding. There was lots of other stories but MIL's approach was basically to take no shit, but also not argue about it. Eg GMIL turning up to lunch 2 hours late - sorry on our way out now, no it's after lunch time now I'm not a cafe. Just kept her at arms length.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/09/2024 23:16

Well now you know what to do when your presence is demanded by them......

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2024 23:17

Bonkers and to the poster who wouldn’t take a day of AL for your db’s wedding, wtaf? With lots of notice?!

Yalta · 01/09/2024 23:18

At least you know now where you stand and that you really will never be part of their family.

Even your fiancé has got the message loud and clear.

Codlingmoths · 01/09/2024 23:18

I don’t understand how you used to be close when she sounds totally self involved. Does she ever show she cares at all? I’d be taking a huuuuge step back. Mother’s Day? That’s for mums who care. You should say we are hurt you don’t want to come to our wedding. There won’t be another one. I don’t know a single person whose mum wouldn’t walk on hot coals to get to their child’s wedding, and no we aren’t coming around for your stubbed toe.

ZekeZeke · 01/09/2024 23:19

How big is the wedding OP? is it in a church? Bridesmaids etc.....? Or a simple affair?

StTola · 01/09/2024 23:19

But hasn’t your DH said ‘Why on earth not?’ I mean, why is he afraid to express his bafflement and disappointment? Is his family normally so uncommunicative?

StormingNorman · 01/09/2024 23:20

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

You wouldn’t take a day’s leave to see your brother or sister get married? Wow.

MadinMarch · 01/09/2024 23:21

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

You really wouldn't take a day's annual leave for your brother's wedding?
That's so weird.

NewName24 · 01/09/2024 23:22

StTola · 01/09/2024 23:19

But hasn’t your DH said ‘Why on earth not?’ I mean, why is he afraid to express his bafflement and disappointment? Is his family normally so uncommunicative?

This is what I don't get.

You clearly aren't close if your chin didn't hit the floor when she / they first told you they weren't coming. It is beyond my comprehension as to why both of you didn't just sit there and say "What?".

updownand · 01/09/2024 23:25

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

Really? That's bizarre.

What would you take a days annual leave for, Oasis gig?

BabaYetu · 01/09/2024 23:25

SatsumaCat · 01/09/2024 23:15

Me and my MIL were having a good chinwag the other week when she told me all about HER MIL's (GMIL) batshittery.

Apparently a few days before MILs wedding GMIL was round and the conversation went like this:

GMIL: I suppose I'll see you soon
MIL: Well the wedding is on Saturday
GMIL: Oh I'm not going to come
MIL: Oh right
GMIL: Did you hear me?
MIL: You said you're not coming to the wedding?
GMIL: I thought you''d try and persuade me
MIL: Oh well if you've made up your mind it's not up to me is it. Goodbye then.

GMIL did turn up to the wedding. There was lots of other stories but MIL's approach was basically to take no shit, but also not argue about it. Eg GMIL turning up to lunch 2 hours late - sorry on our way out now, no it's after lunch time now I'm not a cafe. Just kept her at arms length.

I’m not generally a fan of quoting long(ish) posts, but that one deserves to be read numerous times.

Your MIL was a legend. All kudos to her for that attitude.

Garlicnaan · 01/09/2024 23:26

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:58

@Testina I’m posting now because I’m genuinely confused as to whether it’s me BU for potentially upsetting MIL for expecting her to come when (she says) it will be difficult for her. It’s been on my mind but I feel like I can’t raise it.

I would raise it, just once, and say you're upset she and SIL won't be there for your special day.

I don't think YABU for that.

StTola · 01/09/2024 23:29

NewName24 · 01/09/2024 23:22

This is what I don't get.

You clearly aren't close if your chin didn't hit the floor when she / they first told you they weren't coming. It is beyond my comprehension as to why both of you didn't just sit there and say "What?".

Show quote history

Yes, I mean, did the OP and her DP just say ‘Oh well, fine — pass the salt, please’? And when you told them you were engaged, they just said ‘Lovely weather for the time of year’ and never mentioned it again?

Freebumblebee · 01/09/2024 23:31

Only the brother who’s expecting a baby has a decent reason. Not wanting to take annual leave is pathetic. The MIL is even weirder, especially as you’re close. Pure speculation, but is the fact that you’re getting married now too “real” for her. When it was just a relationship her son could easily walk away from it was okay, but this is too much? Is her own daughter unmarried and she resents that you’re getting married before her? Is she someone who likes the attention on herself and doesn’t want to give that up on your wedding day? I also bet your DP is much more bothered than he’s letting on, but it would mean admitting his mother (and sister) are being nasty sods.

CluelessAboutBiology · 01/09/2024 23:33

@SatsumaCat your MIL is awesome. Does she run classes in how to be like her? If so, sign me up!

Starlightstarbright3 · 01/09/2024 23:35

I think his family are batshit … however has your Dh to be been able to stand up for you or him in other situations as this would worry me .

I would not waste my time on someone who didn’t want to come to my wedding

itsjustasecrethandshake · 01/09/2024 23:36

I presume it's a naked wedding?

My family are like this. Just plain old mean. Years of striving for a relationship and repeatedly hurt by similar actions to your MIL/SIL, questioning what I've done and if I'm wrong. Last few years I've stopped initiating contact and they have never contacted me. It hurts.

fedupoftheheatnow · 01/09/2024 23:38

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

Wow, not to see your brother get married?

CatGuardian · 01/09/2024 23:39

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/09/2024 23:16

Well now you know what to do when your presence is demanded by them......

This. Putting an 'it doesn't bother me' face on is good. I wouldn't keep on seeing your MIL more often than her actual son does anymore. Cut that right out.

KendraTheVampyrSlayer · 01/09/2024 23:45

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

You wouldn't take a days annual leave for your BROTHER'S wedding? Shock

Anonemouse1 · 01/09/2024 23:45

Could it be her grief getting in the way? You said she expressed it was because her husband died and would be missing seeing his children get married. Maybe this has hit her, something else she is missing doing with her husband? Was there anything included in the wedding day to mention her husband or being his memory into the day? Big life events can bring raw grief up again.