Would you go nc with your parents for this

[giantcolouringbook]

I am 23(f) and work f/t my company have been offering compresses hours which I have happily accepted bearing in mind I get paid the same and do the same hours but an extra day off plus weekends.
I excitedly told my parents this and they are furious saying that I should have discussed it with them first as it affects them too.
They've also said if I'm going to be home an extra day of in the week I need to do something with it and not just hang around the house.
My dad is retired and spends every day hanging around the house doing nothing.
Aibu to think a) this has nothing to do with them and b) I shouldn't be told to go out and do something when I am looking forward to an extra down day at home doing exactly what my dad does?
I am of course looking to move out asap but would you think there was any coming back from this or should I just move on never look back.

What ‘support’ are you expecting?

They are supporting you by allowing you to still live in their home as an adult.

You want to spend your extra day off hanging around at home, with them.

You say you don’t go out so you’re always there when not at work.

This sounds like the first time they’ve expressed any negativity that makes you feel unwelcome.

My DD and her husband lived with us for a long time. I love them both dearly but it is a different dynamic with 4 adults living under the same roof. Would I let them move back if their circumstances needed it? Of course I would but I’d much prefer not having to.

DH and I went through a phase of trying to watch an old classic film every Friday night. We’d get our dinner and settle down to watch it. DD would come home from work and want to discuss all her work worries the second she got through the door. So we’d pause the film and listen, chat it through with her, then when she’d run out of steam we’d press play, then she’d start again, so we’d pause it. Eventually she’d get up and go and make her dinner. So there would be cooking noises and smells in the background. Her now DH works shifts. He’d come home very late and as much as he’d try to be quiet and respectful I’m a light sleeper especially if I know someone is not home. He’d also sometimes cook something when he got in so they’d be cooking smells at midnight.

None of this would make me not offer them a place in my home if needed. But it’s much calmer now it’s just the 2 of us and when they visit or FaceTime we are very happy to have them and give them our full attention.

Its not that your parents don’t want you, it’s that they are starting to enjoy their own space and the thought of losing another day of that was concerning for them. you however are acting like a stroppy teenager who would cut them off for continuing offering you a space in their home but panicking a bit when they realised they’re losing another day of peace.

A poster upthread says it's OP's home as much as her parents'.

Actually it isn't, at least not in a legal sense - morally might be different.

Parents aren't legally obliged provide their offspring with a home at 23 years of age, so they could legally remove her from their home whereas she couldn't remove them.

Your parents are allowed to want their own space. Do you have a firm plan to move out- not just a ‘well of course I’d like to and will one day’, but an idea of what properties cost around you and a saving plan? You say you pay your way- do you honestly know how much it costs to run a household, and think you pay a fair proportion of that? Maybe they think you should be picking up extra work on that fifth day to speed up the saving process? (And yeah it’s annoying when other adults’ have an opinion on how you spend your time- but while you’re living with them it’s fair game- once you move out you can ignore these opinions!).

1. you are their child but you're not a child anymore, you are an adult still living at home
2. their house, their choice and if they like a quiet weekday you need to respect it
3. start saving to move out and then when you meet it will be in mutual terms and you can enjoy each others company
4. don't consider going NC, consider why they might be finding it hard living with another adult

Do you pay them rent?
do you help around the house etc
sounds like they are fed up
if you are pulling your weight and not taking the p.ss , then it’s extreme , but surely you need to simply have a conversation with them !

Looks like poor OP has got fed up of being blamed.
Sheesh. I don't know why some people have kids, if they want them out of the way at that tender age. Mine are in their 30's & still happily at home.

@cornflakecrunchie

yep, when you have kids you have to look after them as if they were 10 years old forever and ever. They can be 80 and you 100 and you still need to put them first and take care of them. Having time as a couple for you and your husband- no chance! Those days are gone when you become a mum. That’s just what you sign up for as a parent right?

Well if it works for you, great.

But many people want more for their children than for them to still be living with mum and dad in their thirties 🤷‍♀️

Disabilities etc. aside, I'd feel like I'd failed as a parent if my children hadn't reached independence by then.

My mum wanted more for me, which is why she let me live at home and save for a house. I got married in my early 30s. My house is now worth over a million.

This would never have been possible if my mum hadn’t let me live with her.

And when the time comes, mum will move in with me, either into the house or an annex.

Exactly. She sounds needy. Not independent.

Again @angeldelite that's great if it worked for you and your mum.

But everyone is different and it's perfectly okay for you to want your adult kids to move out and make their own way in the world.

I personally don't understand this expectation that parents have to house their kids almost indefinitely. I would have hated living at home in my thirties and many people would be completely put off a potential partner who had never lived independently of mum and dad.

For me, living at home until you're thirty is stunting and not healthy for anyone. Lots of people feel differently but OP's parents are clearly more in the former category.

What you and OP are describing is NOT abuse by parents its abuse by the child.

No it isn't.

Yes those awful uncaring parents that have gone above and beyond sacrificing their time, space and money for the last 5 years so their adult daughter can doss around the house and refuse to grow up and threaten them with manipulative behaviors.

Using parents financially well into adulthood then cutting them off because it no longer suits you and something better came along while threatening to dump them in a care home because they didn't offer to still wipe your arse at 23 is DEFINITELY manipulative abuse.

So you moved straight from co-dependant living with mother to fiance/husband?

OP can live HER life when she supports her life.

She has conveniantly not mentioned paying rent or doing any chores despite being asked constantly if she does. The take away being that she doesn't. Even if she does she is a LODGER and lodgers don't have rights to do whatever they want either.

Imagine thinking your can be 'assertive' and 'put your foot down' in telling your parents what rules they can have in their house lol.

No one mentioned a child at all, you pulled that out your ass... OP is clearly too immature to be parenting. She can't even look after herself.

I suspect OP’s parents are worried about her. She goes to work and gym but on own admission doesn’t go out at night or weekends. It sounds very limited life for a 23 year old.

If she is paying rent then, yes, she has a right to do what she wants within reason with her time. A parent cannot tell someone to work extra hours when they are already working full time hours. It's not healthy and not right for them.

Rent or not, she doesn't have any rights because she's not a tenant with a contract, she's an adult child who can be kicked out at a moments' notice.

Exactly - I don't understand where this attitude came from where if an adult child pays rent, they are suddenly equal to their parents in their house.

It's still their parents house and their parents set the rules. If the parents want time to themselves or more of a contribution to chores, that's what the adult child needs to do.

Even if she's paying rent, she does not get to do what she wants in their house. They can tell her which rooms she can use and when, and tell her to leave at any time. Saying they don't want her moping around every Friday is extremely reasonable. Plenty of things she could do besides work or hang around her parents.

So no personal responsibility for OP? Just blame the parents? Presumably your son is already an independent adult for you to be so comfortable up on that high horse?