To quit work and be a SAHM?

[Eviolle]

MIL and FIL sadly died young (both in their 60s) and have left DH and I in a position where we will have no mortgage, and a sizable (for us) amount of savings. We have two DC (3 and under 1).

We should have enough inheritance to really set ourselves up (holiday home time share, solar panels, sell our home and completely redecorate MIL'S larger home to move in to, electric car, savings for both DC). Combining the electric car with the savings from solar panels and the fact that we'd have no mortgage, we should just be able to live on DH's wage, however we would have to pay for nursery for youngest DC out of savings until she was 3 as we'd lose the free hours entitlement as I wouldn't be working.

I was thinking of quitting work next year when eldest DC starts school, and potentially never working in a particularly career minded way again. I could work casually in my current field, picking up occasional work once or twice a month with no difficulty and it would keep me up to date with current practices and training should I change my mind.

It would be a tight squeeze (we would still be able to save each month but less than currently), and if we had another CoL crisis or similar I'd have to return to work, but there would no immediate hurry because of the savings we'd have. DH is public sector, very safe job and final salary pension. I would be a few years shy of a full state pension but I'm only mid-thirties so would have time to pay in once DC are bigger.

AIBU to think this could work?

I would continue to work part time, you seriously underestimate the boredom and general slog of say at home parenting, I went part time and got a cleaner and paid for child care, yes I came away with about £60 after travel and work clothes but I still had a career, I wasn't stressed out in the thankless task of being a full time parent, or worker, when they hit 3 the money was great, it was all mine pretty much, so I could guilt free save and spend.
If my husband and me had split I still had a career I could step up to full time. The choices for working are so much better now, term time, annualised contracts for instance.
They are adults now and I am self employed earning £80,000 need to because over the pay 20 years we have had so many issues such as illness, children having special needs, car crash, moving abroad, recession, cost of living crisis, all these things slowly eroded my parents legacy to me which I got at 30, we have had to start again and are half way through a mortgage which I thought should have been paid off if life had been straight forward. Moving abroad in 2008 was an amazing thing to do but hammered our finances. Bought at the top of the market and sold at the bottom.
Basically don't expect life to be plane sailing also if my husband had announced he wanted to be a stay at home parent (at the time my second parent died I earned more than him) I would have ended up feeling very bitter, at the time of parents death when you are young you don't feel like you deserve the money and it feels disloyal to spend it, that enjoying life is wrong, so a lot of us displace that I put the money in the bank and ignored it for a long time. I can imagine if he said he would go part time I would have agreed then when I had processed things which took a few years to be honest at that point I would have been angry, my parents died and you stopped working!

What I would say is if you can afford it def go part time but like me, get a cleaner, so you can actually enjoy the time with them.

Just seen you are possible a nurse, me too, honestly stay registered I have so many friends who regret letting it lapse, I found a weekday job and as I said I am now self employed nurse

Is DH willing to put half of all assets in your sole name for protection + pension?

If not then no, don't risk your financial security in this way.

Half of all marriages end.

And half of all marriages don’t! I wouldn’t be miserable for my whole life just in case my husband secretly wants to divorce me. (This is for the general omg-you-cant-be-a-sahm comments). Being financially secure is always good :)

Alternatively, we considered changing my working days so I worked when DH was off, and vice versa, but neither of us have the desire to do that as we enjoy spending time together as a family and don't want to work opposite days and never get to see each other.

Just a thought but could you split the difference here and work one of DH's non working days so he parents solo that day and then you still get plenty of family time

I would have loved the option to be a SAHM so can understand your thinking.

However, my concern would be that if the worst happened and you split, your husband is potentially unlikely to accept you getting a fair share of what is essentially his inheritance and this could potentially lead to a lot of acrimony.

Having learned the hard way that even a happy marriage can go very sour when financial issues come in to play I’m not sure I’d place all my eggs in the inheritance basket.

“I enjoy my job a lot, but it is high stress and complex, and leaves me exhausted at the end of the day, as does DH job.”

Do you think the rest of the world comes home well rested from work? You seem to think the two of you have it harder than other people.

"no one gets to the end of their life and wishes they spent less time with their children".

It really isn't that simple. while no one wants to miss out on time with their kids, some parents might regret not putting enough time into their careers. Kids don't get any cheaper when they grow and I don't regret that I can offer them many opportunities we would not be able to afford on DHs salary alone.
I can also tell you that my good SAHM friend very much regrets her decision, as she cannot afford to divorce her husband. Different in different careers, but in many, you can't simply jump back in if you have not been working for 10+ years.

@Lelophants

It's much more likely you'll want to divorce him. And feel trapped if you can't.

Men don't really like divorce, marriage is comfortable for them with SAHMs!

Every woman needs to protect herself

Exactly. I’d feel so vulnerable if I was a SAHM.

It doesn’t sound like the inheritance is enough to cover your pension, and the hit to your personal earning ability from SaH could be high. So would want to consider your personal financial position in the scenario of divorce. Also your household position in the event of DH ill health.

I’d continue paid work.

Leaving all this divorce talk aside i dont think this is a good idea. It sounds ideal at this stage of parenting it's very intense. In my experience it changes a lot and in ten years time it will be very different. I don't know many careers where you can seamlessly go back into after a long period out and by then your dh has got so used to you managing all the kids stuff that its a big adjustment.
I also wouldn't underestimate how boring and isolating being at home all the time is. Unless you have a wide circle of friends and relatives it really can impact your confidence. Also not to sound all doom but lots of us here would testify that you can feel very different in your late 40s to late 30s both physically and emotionally. You may regret giving up a career, pension and your identity in a way. Sorry to sound so negative but I have a few friends in this position and it is not good now the kids are in secondary and it goes so fast !
Could you both not go part time? This would be a much more equal way to share this good fortune out and secure your future. Its easy to get to thinking that life will always be the way it is now and its not.

I would wager that yes, my job is more stressful than a lot of other peoples and that people like my siblings who work a desk job do not come home physically, emotionally and mentally drained as I do. And as my DH also does.

This.

OP says she is not living off her inheritance but her dh's wage, but what is she going to retire on?

PS my dh is public sector. The pension career average reversal ruling did not apply to him. It does not apply to everyone.

Some nice times with the kids before school, but the balance wasnt there for me. Even when I met other mums, I felt the conversation was often superficial and valid...I missed working on team projects, interacting with colleagues, thinking on my feet, problem solving etc etc.

This struck a chord with me. In my short period as SAHM, it can isolating and drudge. Then when you have adult company in the form of other mums, I found the conversations child-centered and a little shallow. I missed the buzz of working with colleagues and work camaraderie which other SAHMs could not provide. Love the word 'problem-solving'. I did not like the school gate social scene. Mentally it was easier if I knew I had work to escape to.

That could just be me, I accept. But when you plunge from a full on job like nursing to a SAHM-dom, you might find you cannot get excited about half the things that seem pivotal to that world, like how to get a slot with the best swimming teacher in that leisure centre.

I agree. I think it’s more nuanced than ‘jealousy’. I’m not jealous in then slightest. I’m high earning and career focused. I’m very comfortable with this. I feel everyone should do what’s right for them as long as it doesn’t impact me.

However, sometimes SAHM does affect me when their DHs then come into work with disrespectful attitudes towards their female colleague's. For example, I had a colleague who has a SAHW. They had older teen kids. He used to boast about how she makes him a packed lunch for work everyday etc. He then asked me if I iron my DHs shirts and made his lunches. He seemed very surprised when I said that no, as a FT working woman, I don’t do that. He looked at me like I was a bad wife.

Also I’ve had to go up for promotion against men who don’t have to lift a finger at home because they are fully facilitated by their wives. They have 100% energy and focus on getting to the next level.

It’s not a level playing field. So whilst I take no issue with individual SAHM, it’s the impact on female workers which I do take issue with.

Gross. You really think a lot of yourself and your “DH” (yuck). You’re better off out the workforce, you clearly can’t cope with it anyway. News flash: even a desk job can be emotionally and mentally draining. You’re worryingly naive… or perhaps just self centred

But life isn’t fair. Should two people be extra miserable just because other people have to as well?

Well then you have an issue with disgusting men, not sahm. Trust me, I know a number of women who work full time and are treated terribly by their husbands and expected to do everything still.

The issue isn’t with individual SAHM’s. They are just making what they believe is the best choice for their families.

But it does contribute to inequality in society as a whole. Men who can focus more on promotions, men who can work all hours without worrying about childcare etc it makes it harder for working women.

Not to mention it contributing to the gender pay gap etc.

OP, your plan sounds absolutely fine. It's the 'casual work/no career' bit that people don't seem to understand. Doesn't mean jacking in a professional job and working in a supermarket - just picking up work when it suits.
In some professional jobs the 'career' track means working your way up to management, but you can earn a decent living freelancing as an individual contributor.

The financial points r.e pension etc are valid but with savings of 100K+ per DC you have more than enough! Once they're older you can change your mind and step up work if needed

So women shouldn’t be able to do it because of that? Seems incredibly sexist and unfair. More men should be encouraged to take time off if it works for them.

😂 OK. 😂

I've only got 12 months left until both are in school now, but if we had the money I would have stopped working very much while the children were in nursery years and just done the bare minimum to keep my career ticking over (I'm self employed, so say one project a month which would be 2-3 days fast work)

Just do it, who cares what anyone else thinks!

Sounds like you have worked it all out and you're both happy so no one else's business!