To quit work and be a SAHM?

[Eviolle]

MIL and FIL sadly died young (both in their 60s) and have left DH and I in a position where we will have no mortgage, and a sizable (for us) amount of savings. We have two DC (3 and under 1).

We should have enough inheritance to really set ourselves up (holiday home time share, solar panels, sell our home and completely redecorate MIL'S larger home to move in to, electric car, savings for both DC). Combining the electric car with the savings from solar panels and the fact that we'd have no mortgage, we should just be able to live on DH's wage, however we would have to pay for nursery for youngest DC out of savings until she was 3 as we'd lose the free hours entitlement as I wouldn't be working.

I was thinking of quitting work next year when eldest DC starts school, and potentially never working in a particularly career minded way again. I could work casually in my current field, picking up occasional work once or twice a month with no difficulty and it would keep me up to date with current practices and training should I change my mind.

It would be a tight squeeze (we would still be able to save each month but less than currently), and if we had another CoL crisis or similar I'd have to return to work, but there would no immediate hurry because of the savings we'd have. DH is public sector, very safe job and final salary pension. I would be a few years shy of a full state pension but I'm only mid-thirties so would have time to pay in once DC are bigger.

AIBU to think this could work?

In DH defence, he is a really hands on Dad but it is incredibly difficult for him to leave work once he's started, or take time off at very short notice (like sickness) so it would always be me having to leave work in those instances.

He has two days off during the week so when both girls are at school he'd have time on those days to do what he likes; because I'd be at home I could plan my 'free' time when I wanted it so we'd both have equal alone rest periods if that makes sense.

I do know what you mean about not being a drudge and that's why I'd want to go to work one or two days a month throughout.

Mainly socialising, development, and less disruption as she'd have to go when I go back to work, then we'd take her out after 6 months and then 18 months later she'd go to preschool, and it gives me time to do things and not have a child with me permanently. It is something we may reconsider though, it's a fair point. 🙂

Life is short OP - live it how you want it. You can afford to take a few years off and gift your children a more relaxed, more present mum...do it. You won't regret it, I promise.

So the husband only works 3 days as it is, you don’t work full time anyway, the kids are in childcare… god help you both if you had to deal with what actual full time workers deal with!

Also if kids are in childcare/school you’re not a “stay at home mum” you’re just a “stay at home… person” just admit you can’t be bothered or don’t enjoy working and go ahead and quit. You already made your mind up before posting!

P.s keep your youngest in nursery if you want to, for all the reasons you've stated.

I was a SAHM for six years. My only regret is spending too much time justifying our decision to people...

If you are not working, you won't need to pay childcare for 1 year old and 3year old would only be in nursery for a few hours per day (for which you presumably would get government funding).

What @BaselineDrop said.

No one regrets spending less time with kids but people can regret not making more of their lives. Sure if you are burnt out at work, cooking, cleaning and chillin' whilst the children are young can sound like a dream. Other than childcare, money is not a big deal then, so you can live off your inheritance. It seems a waste to me to stay at home to do housework at leisure when the opportunity cost of current and future earnings is so great. But that is OP's choice.

It is when the children are teenagers that the tables are flipped. That is when mothers like me who kept their hand in and have got promotions over the years feel so very glad we did not take our foot off the career gas now that the children are leaving for university. Money at this stage buys dcs so many financial and career options, including for me to step down if I need to, if they need me badly because teenage/young adult problems are much more difficult and expensive to fix than scuffed knees. Often only parents can do help with these issues. There is also a yawning gulf between parents who can fund university and provide their dcs with substantial deposits for their first homes and parents who can't or don't.

Personally 220K is not a big amount. I would not retire on 220K much less if it was going to fund me to SAHM for more than a decade.

Parenting is a long game. It is not just when dcs are young. I would set my sights on the longer horizon than the immediate foreground. Personally OP you are young and have gas in your tank. Don't bail so soon. You would still be looking after your dcs if you worked.

I would do it but as a sahm myself I think there are some elements you should try to put in place, mainly

• very good insurance in place for both DH and yourself
• continued payments into a private pension for yourself
• factor in how you're going to keep up with your outgoings as children will cost more as they get older

In all honesty 250k savings is insufficient for you to retire on and if you're going to keep dipping into it then it's not going to last very long. Your profession sounds like one that you could return to anytime though so that's in your favour.

Only on Mumsnet would you get people saying £220,000/£250,000 is not a big amount of money 🙄

I'd probs feel this way too.

It isn't though to live off and retire on, OP is still young and has young children

She's not "playing house" she's going to be able to spend time with her children and they'll all have more family time which seems wonderful. She also has set aside money for her children as I understand. You just sound jealous

I think it sounds amazing, I hope you do set aside a decent chunk for uoir daughters futures as well

YABU to describe being self employed and picking up work twice a month as being a SAHP. It would be a switch to a different mode of work.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to take your foot off the pedal a bit at this stage, especially if it's something you can easily get back into later. My question is, do you have to leave the security of a part time public sector employment contract in order to work as little as you want to? Because if they'd let you do, say, a shift every week or so, I'd go for that in preference to being self-employed.

3 days a week for my husband is over 36 hours a week, that is full time. Eldest (and then youngest when they both go) only to to childcare on the days DH is at work.

I enjoy my job a lot, but it is high stress and complex, and leaves me exhausted at the end of the day, as does DH job.

I would say that Mums who are at home when their children are at school are stay at home parents, so that's what I'm saying, and hopefully doing.

This we both work three days a week, we aren’t the most organised of people, we have hours upon hours of free time after cleaning, laundry and cooking. If one of us decided to be unemployed and to send the kids elsewhere to be looked after the unemployed person would have essentially nothing to so for hours on end.

We wouldn't be living off inheritance, we'd be living off my husband's wage, the inheritance would remain in long term savings apart from a smaller amount kept in easier access accounts in case of emergencies.

There is limited scope for promotion in my role, so I am never going to have huge promotions and earn enormous sums of money. Even if I left for 10 years, I could still come back to my current place of work, have a promotion, and be at the 'top of the tree' before I retired.

Surprised people are assuming 3 days a week means not FT. I'd have thought it was common knowledge that loads of jobs follow the fewer but longer shifts model.

You need to incorporate in your planning:

1. what happens if your DH dies
2. what happens if your DH becomes seriously ill and can no longer work
3. what happens if your DH fucks off
4. what happens if you become unhappy in your relationship, or your DH becomes deeply complacent, and the power balance shifts in a way you don't like (it's been known to happen when a woman SAH).

If you're financially covered in all those scenarios, and have the prospect of being able to support yourself and your kids in the future should the current arrangement end for whatever reason, go for it.

It's the first thing we're doing, before we put anything aside for ourselves. 🙂

I did it for the same reasons as you. Although it was my windfall that facilitated it. My husband became resentful and unkind. I was treated like a home slave. I had no independent life away from him. He became more and more abusive. I finally got out of the marriage and had to claw my way up the career ladder again. Hopefully your dh is nothing like my ex but I would advise keeping some sort of work going even as you say it’s casual to give you a sense of independence and confidence. Good luck

That's a fair point. 🙂

I would only want to do one shift a week, at most, I'm potentially looking at one per fortnight, and managers I have spoken to aren't happy with employing me for such a small amount of time when I can do it casually.

Good for you. We don't have hours and hours free. So, there you go.

Fair enough. I'm guessing you've looked at the various options locally, ie next city/town/county over rather than just the one where you are now? If so, and it's definitely not going to be an option, maybe casual is the only way to get what you need. If it's the job I suspect it is, you aren't likely to have problems coming back to an employed role later on if wanted.

Thank you.

We have very good health/death insurance (the word escapes me this morning, you know what I mean) but could look to bolster this.

If DH could no longer work and was very unwell, I would go back to work, depending on his condition/what care and support he needed.

If he leaves I have separate savings, and I'd have to go back to work.

Not sure about the last one, but assuming we then divorced, it would be as above.