To quit work and be a SAHM?

[Eviolle]

MIL and FIL sadly died young (both in their 60s) and have left DH and I in a position where we will have no mortgage, and a sizable (for us) amount of savings. We have two DC (3 and under 1).

We should have enough inheritance to really set ourselves up (holiday home time share, solar panels, sell our home and completely redecorate MIL'S larger home to move in to, electric car, savings for both DC). Combining the electric car with the savings from solar panels and the fact that we'd have no mortgage, we should just be able to live on DH's wage, however we would have to pay for nursery for youngest DC out of savings until she was 3 as we'd lose the free hours entitlement as I wouldn't be working.

I was thinking of quitting work next year when eldest DC starts school, and potentially never working in a particularly career minded way again. I could work casually in my current field, picking up occasional work once or twice a month with no difficulty and it would keep me up to date with current practices and training should I change my mind.

It would be a tight squeeze (we would still be able to save each month but less than currently), and if we had another CoL crisis or similar I'd have to return to work, but there would no immediate hurry because of the savings we'd have. DH is public sector, very safe job and final salary pension. I would be a few years shy of a full state pension but I'm only mid-thirties so would have time to pay in once DC are bigger.

AIBU to think this could work?

Because days are so long, I haven't looked too far afield, I certainly could look the next county over though, that's a very good point and something I hadn't thought about. Thank you.

I would be very surprised if DH behaved like this, but then I suppose we all would be wouldn't we. I will be working 1-2 days per month in my current field and this would be easy to scale up before finding a permanent job, if needs be.

No problem. I just thought, a commute that you do once a fortnight can potentially be longer than one you have to do several times a week.

As you are a nurse I can see how it is realistic you can do bank, keep you registration and not damage your career and get back into it easy enough.

I also think nursery isn't just childcare for work, it's socialisation and routine. I agree it woukd be confusing to be in nursery, out of nursery and then back in nursery again if it's the same place.

Cut down to two or three days a week. Or retrain for a different career. Up to you in the end. . I wouldn't want to be an SAHM spending all day doing housework and childcare. Nightmare. I might have considered it if I had a full-time nanny and cleaner.,

I'd do it. There will always be those who are jealous that you can do this and they can't, and others who won't give up their financial independence (can't rely on a man etc), what are you contributing to society, and so on.

I've heard them all over the years. Have always been a SAHM and never regretted it. DH and I are, and always have been, a team and for various reasons it made sense for us to do this. He goes out to work and I do all home stuff. If it's right for you then go for it. Life really is too short.

We are about to be in a similar financial position due to inheritance: mortgage paid off and a big chunk of savings. But personally I feel like working part-time is the best solution for us (and me individually).

I still want to earn money, I want to make sure our DC can have uni paid for and a house deposit, that I can pay into a decent pension, and that we can do nice holidays and go places and not have to be as frugal.

My 2yo has two days of nursery a week (5yo is at school) as I work one weekend evening too so don't need childcare there, so that seems like a good balance to me and she enjoys nursery (and I enjoy my work, which is perhaps the difference?).

Money is freedom for sure but freedom for me isn't penny pinching to afford holidays and Christmas. To me it sounds like quality of life would be degraded for not that much benefit if you're both already around a lot anyway. I'd just use the money to afford more life experiences for the kids and get a cleaner etc. I'd rather work than clean my house and do domestic stuff.

I think there's a difference between being a SAHM because it's for the kids and being one because you don't like work. Both are fine choices but the latter one, I think some people then struggle with the intensity of being at home all the time.

Thank you. I am surprised the number of people belittling what SAHP do/ suggesting to 'just get a cleaner' implying that's all I'd be doing/ I'm not contributing to society, then compared with the number of threads here where people complain their DH doesn't do enough and they're exhausted and they are told that they're doing too much at home/ house work and childcare is work and it should be split evenly.

However, apparently making the decision that yes, housework and childcare is a job, and I'm going to do it instead of working, is some heinous crime and I'm being selfish and my DH will resent me. You can't win if you're a woman can you!

Im actually not sure what I would personally do in your situation for lots of reasons but you sound like you've made up your mind and are both happy with your decision, which is absolutely fine.

The thing that massively sways my view for you personally is your nursing background. You obviously know better than I do but from my (admittedly uninformed) position this really is one of the few careers that is the least risky to have a break from. And if you need or want to work once they are at school then there's the opportunity to work full shifts on the days your DH is off.

The main thing for me is keeping lines of communication open. Despite being in a position of privilege I do think there are still areas where resentment could set in, depending on what you both decide to do in the longer term. You both need to be vocal about any little niggles before they become bigger.

Also sorry to be obvious but making sure you've done a proper budget that includes accounting for absolutely everything (Martin Lewis has a tool).

They're just jealous or projecting. Housework is crap, so personally I would get a cleaner if you can, but obviously nothing can replace being with your children. No child would rather be in nursery than with their parents

We can set money aside for both DC and still have a 6 figure savings balance for ourselves. We would be able to go on holiday 4 weeks a year, but we would need to put money aside each month for Christmas and birthdays, which I think most people do? We would have enough with DH wage to put aside around £500pcm in savings so if we did suddenly decide we wanted to go somewhere for a fancy day out, we could potentially skip a month.

We have lifetime NT membership, we plan to pay for annual tickets to various places as the year goes on so it's a rolling monthly expense, and we would also have spending money each, per month, as fun money for both of us.

That's what makes it a bit of a tight squeeze, that I've included all of these things into the budget. It's not just bills being covered.

I'd rather be at home, as much as I do enjoy my job, I'd rather look after my family and home, if possible. And I'd still work 2-3 days a month to keep my skills up in case I decided to go back later.

Well at the end of the day if it's what you want and it works for the family then go for it. It's your life, not anyone else's, and everyone will have a different decision-making process.

Just make sure you are accounting for everything and maybe do a proper budget (MSE has a good template). We put a pretty big chunk aside every month for non-monthly things (car maintenance, home maintenance, haircuts, dental stuff). It wouldn't be obvious when looking at a month's bills or direct debits, but the money for it all has to come from somewhere, so just make sure you have an absolutely accurate picture of your monthly money needs (including the stuff that doesn't necessarily have to be paid every month but that has to be paid for at some point).

Women have diverse life experiences and views, and can disagree with / be unpleasant to each other - especially on issues as absolutely central to their lives as this - for reasons other than jealousy.

I have no doubt some women on this site would look at my decision to work full time with a toddler with contempt, and equally little doubt that those are their sincere beliefs (albeit ones I think are junk) and not just jealousy.

Anyway, I don’t want to derail OP’s thread - I would never personally do this so have nothing insightful to offer on the practicalities, sorry! - but these threads always descend into a chorus of people insisting others are just jealous, and I don’t think it’s useful tbh.

I think the 'just get a cleaner' was well meant. You were saying that you were going to pay for child care to give time to clean the house. Whilst, being a sahm includes looking after the children and keeping the house, a lot of people hate cleaning and would rather have a cleaner and take the kids to the park, or do their day job and have a cleaner.

But actually childcare is normally cheaper than a cleaner per hour, and sahm neeas a break from being with their children and children benefit from aspects of nursery and running a house isn't just cleaning.

@WednesburyUnreasonable Yes, I agree. Some people might be jealous but certainly among my friend group, there are several of us who could afford to be SAHMs if we wanted to but aren't, and I imagine we all have our own reasons that are all equally valid. And that's how it should be.

Women against women is such a depressing thing or this belief that everyone would choose to be a SAHM if they could, as that's not true. For those who can't afford it, then it's not a choice they can make and I can understand why that would be upsetting. But not everyone who can afford it wants to or should feel obligated to as well.

Agree with you completely when people are offering constructive advice, but when people are just out to ridicule your choices then it's likely it's a them problem. For complete transparency I wanted to be a SAHM but couldn't cope with it as I found it really difficult, so I really admire people who do this and it really annoys me when people underestimate how difficult it is

I have been a SAHM, worked full and part time and DH has done all 3 too over the years as we have responded to our needs as a family. When the children were little I worked 2 shifts a week in a health type role and I found that having this regular routine, consistent amount of money, social interaction etc was really beneficial. I would consider some kind of regular work even if it's only a few hours a week.
I also think it's good for the children to know you work too.

Totally agree it’s a them-problem, I just think the underlying causes of why people do this are a lot more complex than jealousy! I think for a decent chunk, it’s not enough for their choices to be right (in their own view), others must know their own different choices are wrong.

or you dont go back to work and just pay your maternity leave back?

I appreciate you both work long days but why not continue, get a cleaner and use the extra money to have a fabulous life. My dc do not really remember the days we spent together when they were preschoolers and I was pt. And we did loads of the making memories wholesome activity stuff. Cleaning your house is massively overrated as a pastime 😁 And I know he earns more (and the dh in the shall I be a sahm saga always earns more) but your dh isn’t looking to completely change his life to spend more time cleaning and take on all the household management is he?

I think you'd need more than 2 or 3 days a month. With only doing the occasional day like that you'd lose your confidence pretty quickly.

A day a week can work very well.

Thank you. I am surprised the number of people belittling what SAHP do/ suggesting to 'just get a cleaner' implying that's all I'd be doing/ I'm not contributing to society

You’re completely misquoting me. You said you want to be a sahp to be with your children, but you’re withdrawing from savings to have your child in nursery 2 days for you to clean - your words and it’s from savings because you can’t afford it on your DH’s salary. I simply pointed out a cleaner is cheaper than having your child in nursery for 2 days while you are at home and actually would enable you to spend more quality time with them if that’s the point.
If your DH is already at home 4 days then having the youngest in nursery for 2 means you only have 1 day more with them vs when you are working. Not much time together.

As my dear friend is currently grappling with a similar decision but without that level comfortable savings, I'd say absolutely go for it. There is so much hostility on MN for anyone choosing to be a sahm, it's such a shame. Your set up sounds ideal and above all else you'll be home with dcs and able to have a better family life together, what is there not to like about that? As long as you and dh are both agreed on what your new normal will look like and clear about expectations up front I don't see any downside. Enjoy it, op!

Any and all savings would be split upon divorce though, should that happen. So it's no guarantee of financial independence. You raise an interesting point though. Op, what will you do if, after a few years of not working, you end up separating? Nobody likes to think that way, and of course everyone wants to believe they'll be together forever. But it happens, and it happens often. Financial independence is so, so important for women.

In your position I would do this on a heartbeat. It seems like you’ve covered all possible scenarios.

And for people banging on about “well what if he leaves you” and “what if he dies” - all of the current assets are marital and you would be entitled to half the savings, half the house. If, god forbid, he was to die, you’d get everything.

The only thing I would suggest, if you haven’t considered it, is could you keep your hand in the work field to make sure your daughter qualifies for the free hours and then implement your plan? I don’t know if that works for you.

But otherwise like you said - life is short and taking care of the home is not something to be looked down upon. It is an important role.

Also, when you get both of your girls into infant school - the amount of events is relentless 😂 meetings, workshops, plays, performances, activities, dress up days, sports day, fundraisers it never ends. Honestly reading all the emails the school sends should be classed as a part time job. They also pick up a new plague every single week, slapped cheek, tonsillitis, stomach bug. I can’t tell you how many days I had to take off or how many favours I had to beg from my mum and MIL to help out.

Even worse, I often had to just send my children into school when they were honestly too unwell to be there because it meant I’d be on performance management for my child related sick leave 🫠 They should have been at home in pjs, not have calpol shoved down them and sent in praying the phone call doesn’t come 😢

I would stay at home with them in a heartbeat if it had been an option.

Like others have said though, try to make sure you have some time for you. Something to say to your husband other than “I got 4 loads of washing dried and put away today” because it does get dull when you haven’t done anything and you have nothing to say. Even volunteering a day a week etc.