To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

[MrsMagicMoneyTree]

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. And nobody else really believes you are, they're just miffed because the easy hand outs have stopped.

Move on and don't give it another thought. Just. Say. No.

If your DH is that desperate to help them, he needs to go back to work so that he can share his salary with them.

Have you asked him to repay previous loans in full before giving them more? What were their reasons for not repaying?

I'd never give them a penny again, tell them they're untrustworthy and take them to the small claims court.

Can't stand selfish, entitled grabbers.

Just move on, they a CF! Out of interest is DH older or is he retired to live off your money?

Carry on saying no. Your money is for your family, not an open wallet for everyone else.

Use your inheritance however YOU want to!

It never usually goes down well when you set boundaries. You always get pushback.

I'd be raging. They've borrowed money and failed to repay it and clearly feel entitled to demand you hand over money you worked hard for.

They are adults. Why on earth should you be expected to keep giving them money? DNiece is the most ridiculous and entitled. I'd be dropping them a note reminding them of the FULL amount they've borrowed and asking when they are going to start repaying.

Never give any of them another penny.

I wouldn't have even given those ungrateful idiots a tenner! They treat you like a cash machine!

100% entitlement
0% gratitude

YANBU.
Stand your ground.

Of course YABU, they are absolute freeloaders.

YANBU - you aren’t their cash cow to be milked at their convenience.

Bloody hell OP I earn more than you and I wouldn’t have even given a 1/10th of what you have!!!

You’ve been extraordinarily generous, they’ve done a right number on you.

Tell them to pay back the money they already owe you.

I mean they are cheeky and as you say aren’t poverty stricken. But if I had a significant inheritance I would treat/gift family anyway. I don’t know what you count as significant, for me it would be 300k plus.

YANBU, obviously.

They need to pay back what they owe you. Sounds like you have been more than generous over the years.

what does your DH think - is he buying into their view?

Do you at least get free trips in the holiday cottage?

The idea that you were "lending" them money went out the window when they took the second loan before repaying the first, and with no plan to repay it. As your husband said, at that point he knew you were never getting anything back and essentially all of these loans are gifts. You're being reasonable to decline to give money away, especially to people who treat you the way these people do when they don't get what they want from you. If a "tactful" explanation was ever needed (I don't think it was), "the money is tied up elsewhere and we don't have it available to lend/give" should suffice.

DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud ... Why are you to blame for this? I appreciate that it's your money, but your husband should have simply said no to his brother; it's completely reasonable at this stage for him to say "no we can't" right up front and not even indicate that he had discussed it with you.

The OP has already given them the better part of £10k, when does the 'treating' stop?

It's extraordinary how good some people are at spending other people's money...

Good grief. I would have stopped long since. They can sell their holiday cottage, your niece should be able to get to college without a moped (bus, walk, borrow a bicycle).

I sometimes give loans and sometimes gifts. I am very clear about what is a loan and what is a gift. If it is a Luan; expect a direct debit to be set up. I will pause the DD for expensive times like Christmas but then it is set up again
My relative is meticulous about doing this. If I loaned anyone a considerable sum and it wasn't paid back they would never get another loan from me. They are lucky that you have 'loaned' amounts to then. It is considerably cheaper for them than finance. Like you I have also offered half of big items like car/ holiday as a gift with the rest paid back to me monthly. The person I help in this way is always appreciative. Your relatives are not appreciative. They are taking total advantage of your good nature. In your shoes I would not be continuing to lend or give You don't have to explain to anyone what you intend to spend your own inherited or earned income on. Enjoy it ging forward as you see fit and don't give a thought to what such selfish people think of you 💐

DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight.

That is staggering. Tell them no and tell them you want the rest of the money back.

You shouldn't have sent them a penny after the FIRST loan wasn't repaid.

Is your husband the one saying 'you don't understand siblings and family'?
If so, that's not on at all.
Is your husband the father of your DC?
If not, this is a worrying situation because it sounds as if you are the cash cow for DH and his biological family.
😭😭

What an entitled fsmily they are. You shouldn't have lend them more money after the first loan wasn't repaid. And your DH was a dick, he should have presented a united front when saying no.

Do you get use of the holiday cottage?

@MrsMagicMoneyTree do they know about your inheritance?? if they do, then who told them?? I would be giving them not another penny, especially when the sil is earning as much as you and they own a holiday cottage! dear neice needs to get a job and perhaps, in the future, think about using the bus!! to be honest, your husband should not be saying yes to any requests from them! he doesnt bring enough in to the house to gift them the amounts they want!