To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

[MrsMagicMoneyTree]

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

What is DH saying here ? He should be pointing out to his family that you've been more than generous over the years.

Sounds like they don’t even like you. Sadly that’s often the case. They actually resent you. Keep your money for things that bring you joy, and in your case that includes helping your own adult children.

They are not very nice people.

Who in the hell borrows money when they have a holiday home? Madness.

Tell them to F off and if they are bad mouthing you then at least you're seeing the truth of who they are and that their view of you is irrelevant and not worth considering.

Bottom line is they don't care about your feelings.

my name is now mud

There comes a point in life when you have to really, really, REALLY stop caring what other people think of you.
Especially when those people have proven themselves to be ungrateful, entitled, greedy, shameless, selfish scroungers.
Their opinion of you is not a problem.

Do not give them money ever again. Make that very clear to DH too. Who on earth do they think they are?
How does the niece dare speak about you like that. 'don’t know what hard work is like'? Does she think you make 70K a year sitting on your arse? I'd hand her her own arse on a plate for that.

First time I have ever seen 100% of the vote saying you are not being unreasonable. Of course you shouldn't fund other people's lifestyle choices!

CFs of the highest order. Who do the think they are, expecting you to put your hand in your pocket for them?

The mind boggles.

This^

I might just print this out and pin it to the wall as it's so true

The amount that they are asking for is escalating and now they are not even bothering to give a reason. Just a last ditch attempt to get what they can out of you. Definitely no.

No good deed goes unpunished. There is no gratitude for what you have given just demands fog more and after they have had the next 10k the same thing will happen.

Tell them they have spent more of your inheritance than you have and you have plans for the rest.

Strongly agree! Why care what these people think of you. Their behaviour is atrocious.

Why isn't your husband cutting the conversation off as soon as it starts and then putting them straight when they complain?

But OP and her husband have given his family loads of money already. And seem to have had nothing but ingratitude in return.

@MrsMagicMoneyTree I would have rebelled way before now.
In face of this latest ingratitude I would be getting a solicitor to write and demand that they sell the cottage and pay you back.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable! In fact your DH is being unreasonable to give them so much up to now. These people have a second home that they aren’t even renting out?! The cheek of them!

I think I wouldn’t even care if your name is mud with them. The bank of MagicMoneyTree is shut. Is your DH likely to go behind your back to give them money?

Yanbu
But maybe you should move your money to where your husband can't access it.

They've already had loads of money from you and they're rude and ungrateful? I'd tell them all to fuck off and earn their own money! How dare they expect you to subsidise them? I'd also point out to your niece that you have worked bloody hard to earn the money that they seem to think they can just help themselves to - perhaps she needs to learn the meaning of hard work!! Honestly, if your husband doesn't think that his family are a bunch of lazy leeches, I'd be dumping his arse too!

Why isn't your H just saying no way and then telling you "you won't believe what my CF have asked for now" rather than asking you and then relaying back that you refused????

You were generous in the past and now your good nature is being taken for granted.
As Oscar Wilde said
”no good deed goes unpunished”

Personally I never lend without writing it off. I never expect it back. And seldom get it.

If 10k is too much to write off then the answer is “no”!

Let then sell / rent out the holiday house. 🙄

Why is your husband saying yes to them when it's not his money?

And surely the answer is "you still owe us n thousand pounds, so we can't help you further unless that's repaid"

It never ceases to amaze me how cheeky and entitled some people are. Don't give it another moments thought, they are so utterly unreasonable and ungrateful for all that you have already done...not to mention bloody irresponsible if they keep mismanaging their finances / living beyond their means to this degree. In my opinion the best thing would be if they stomped off in huff and never came back.

Agree, shocking.

Why on earth is Bil looking at YOU to subsidise him rather than his OWN WIFE? Surely as a family they need to subsidise each other as they are a household? I wouldn't care about losing such relationships. Good riddance.

Op they think you are a soft touch and they are milking it for all its worth.
Please wake up and stop being their personal magic money tree /cash cow!

Rather surprised at the 1% who think YABU - either the ILs have found the thread or someone thinks you shouldn't have made the second loan when the first was unpaid.

You have been more than generous to these cfers. How anyone has the nerve to ask for a handout when they own a holiday home is beyond me.