Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

303 replies

MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 11:23

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

OP posts:
Motherofalittledragon · 31/08/2024 12:28

If that's what they're like they wouldn't be seeing another penny from me, the cf.

KurtShirty · 31/08/2024 12:28

What a load of absolute pricks! Tell them to sod off

skyeisthelimit · 31/08/2024 12:28

YANBU. Never lend money to people who can't control their own spending.

It is their fault they can't help their own DD not yours.

As you say, they could see the holiday cottage.

ThorndonCream · 31/08/2024 12:30

I can't imagine why you'd give this bunch of grifters another penny. You should be saving this money to help your DC and I'd be looking sideways at your husband too. I'd be making sure he couldn't get his hands on the inheritance. Don't deprive your children because DH's family are greedy graspers and he is staggeringly weak.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 31/08/2024 12:33

I wouldn’t give them the steam off my piss after that behaviour. No more hand outs, no more “loans”.

I am one of the poor relations in my extended family and I would never, ever go to any of my lot for hand outs for a fucking moped or “to see us through”. Also the fact they’ve reacted with such venom when you’ve said no this time to 10 fucking grand shows them to be thick as shit. Because if you had been considering changing your mind before about that you definitely won’t now. Or to smaller amounts. Dickheads.

Original poster
MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 12:33

Wow, glad to see I’m not unreasonable. We’ve never been invited to the holiday cottage, or even over to theirs for dinner. I’ve told DH that if he wants to give them more money then it comes out of his savings, not my inheritance or our joint savings. He said that having thought about it, he’s not going to give them any more, but will offer a few sessions with our financial adviser. He agrees they either need to sell the holiday cottage, or sell the main house and move there, as that will more than adequately fund their lifestyle.

Even more bizarrely, DH said that DFIL offered to buy DBIL a van, and financial help, but DBIL refused because he’d just had a massive falling out with his Dad “and didn’t want to be beholden to that cunt.”

They know my inheritance was significant because both my parents died, I’m an only child, and they left everything to me, including a house. They don’t know exactly how much, but will have a fair idea of the value of the house.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 31/08/2024 12:34

Time to put the holiday cottage on the market. They can’t afford it.

lapochette · 31/08/2024 12:37

You've been more than generous already. No way would I be handing out any money to that grabby ungrateful lot when my own DC could be benefitting from my money.

Original poster
MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 12:38

Also, thinking about it, DSIL’s mother died shortly after my parents (her Dad died years ago). She must have got at least £200,000 from the sale of her Mum’s house, so I’m not sure where that’s gone.

OP posts:
BlackShuck3 · 31/08/2024 12:39

If I was in your shoes op I would be flaunting my money in their faces and taking great delight in turning down every request for money.
But I would never be in your shoes because no one would take the piss out of me like that- they know what they would get in response😈

brightyellowflower · 31/08/2024 12:39

Christ no. It ends today. They can sell that house. I can't actually believe the cheek of some people.I wouldn't dream of asking for money in that way.

I wouldn't give them another fiver.

MissyMoz · 31/08/2024 12:39

Your DH is a dickhead too.

He was quite happy to give it them when it was your inheritance but now it has to come from his own pocket he's refusing?

JoyousPinkPeer · 31/08/2024 12:40

Your dh shoukd not have 'relayed the message' ... ie blamed you for the decision they don't like. Perhaps a united front/couple decision would be better.

You need to get him to man up!

Don't give them another cent!

Winter2020 · 31/08/2024 12:41

MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 12:33

Wow, glad to see I’m not unreasonable. We’ve never been invited to the holiday cottage, or even over to theirs for dinner. I’ve told DH that if he wants to give them more money then it comes out of his savings, not my inheritance or our joint savings. He said that having thought about it, he’s not going to give them any more, but will offer a few sessions with our financial adviser. He agrees they either need to sell the holiday cottage, or sell the main house and move there, as that will more than adequately fund their lifestyle.

Even more bizarrely, DH said that DFIL offered to buy DBIL a van, and financial help, but DBIL refused because he’d just had a massive falling out with his Dad “and didn’t want to be beholden to that cunt.”

They know my inheritance was significant because both my parents died, I’m an only child, and they left everything to me, including a house. They don’t know exactly how much, but will have a fair idea of the value of the house.

I don't think they'll sell either home because they are actually fine - just chancers after a boost to their quality of life with free money.

SIL has probably invested the inheritance for her kids or pension so "doesn't have it any more" - as you should do too.

LouH5 · 31/08/2024 12:43

That’s horrendous!

Id total up what tney already owe you from previous loans and if it gets mentioned again just say “I’m really sorry but you still owe us xyz so we don’t really want to consider giving you any more money whilst this is outstanding. We’re not as well off as you think we are!”

classic case of, tney see you as being loaded and just expect that you can hand your money over. Why the hell should you?! Deffo stand your ground.

Neveranynamesleft · 31/08/2024 12:45

No you can't carry on being Lady Bountiful for ever because you wont have anything left if it keeps going in their direction !
Tell them to go whistle. Nobody needs to know anything about your finances so tell them the shop is well and truly shut. CF of the highest order.

LittleSeasideCottage · 31/08/2024 12:45

They sound like grifters to me. Or they're upto their eyeballs in debt but trying to maintain an image. So many people doing that these days, made worse by social media.

Original poster
MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 12:45

DFIL has also told them they need to sell the cottage. He and DMIL are very much on my side, it seems. I just think it’s a pity that DBIL and DSIL’s grabbiness has essentially torn the family apart.

OP posts:
AIstolemylunch · 31/08/2024 12:45

Ask them when they'll be repaying what they already owe you OP

LittleBearPad · 31/08/2024 12:48

Even more bizarrely, DH said that DFIL offered to buy DBIL a van, and financial help, but DBIL refused because he’d just had a massive falling out with his Dad “and didn’t want to be beholden to that cunt.”

He sounds delightful. Steer well clear OP

Modestee · 31/08/2024 12:51

I will repeat that you get a solicitor to formally write and list all they have etc.
It will make them careful not to ask again.

PonyPatter44 · 31/08/2024 12:51

Does it matter if your name is mud among a gang of chancing scroungers? Surely that's actually a good place to be!

Babyworriesreal · 31/08/2024 12:51

This doesn't reflect well on DH. Is he only reflecting because he now has to bankroll them from his own money. Please ensure your inheritance is safe from DH too. Is he the father of your children? If not, be extra careful. These people would no longer even be on my christmas card list - ever.

MounjaroUser · 31/08/2024 12:55

but will offer a few sessions with our financial adviser

Who will pay for that? Nobody needs a financial adviser to tell them they are living outside their means.

Your husband is very free with your money, isn't he? What age is he? Did he retire after your inheritance? I think he and his brother and their family see you as a cash cow.

I wouldn't want to live with someone who thought of me like that.

GasPanic · 31/08/2024 12:57

Funny how you get no thanks for what you have actually given them and now they just want more.

They will be like this forever seeing you as a cash cow unless you say no.

So might as well say no now and get it over and done with.

In fact I would probably tell them you were thinking of asking them for 5K to tide you over. But I'm guessing they know how much cash you are getting.