To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

[MrsMagicMoneyTree]

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

Shame on them for how ungrateful they are for all the help you have given so far.
I hope your husband told them their tone and comments were totally uncalled for.
I d be cutting contact with them and keeping a close eye on yours husband that your earned money and/or inherited money is not going to them.

Why in the world would you continue to give free money to two adults who aren't even your flesh and blood? They can't/won't pay back past debts, have been ungrateful for past assistance, and have the temerity to complain that you won't happily hand over more? I'd wash my hands of them completely.

BIL can find another job to make ends meet, and since work is thin on the ground at the moment, he must have plenty of time to do so. I'd make it very clear to DH that the days of giving handouts are over.

With their attitude, they wouldn’t get another penny from me and I’d tell them exactly why.

As a pp said, they’re pissed that the gravy train has stopped.

Stand your ground, you’re not being unreasonable at all.

I don't even get a birthday card off my aunt and she's a millionaire! I'd never try and tap up family members for cash, and paying half for your niece's moped is really generous of you. Ungrateful madam!

Pull the plug op.
We had an almighty falling out with a family member after we queried why they needed the £10000 "loan" ( they never would have paid a penny back) that they demanded.
Like you they slagged us off to anyone that would listen.

And some people do have a very warped view of inheritance. After my father died a work colleague made a quip that I should be paying for us all to go out to lunch as I " was probably loaded now"

Probably into her savings account, why should she pay for anything when you're this much of a doormat, is probably how she sees it.

You know if you asked them for a penny for an actually good reason they would ignore you or say no.

Not another penny

My Dad’s brother always asking for money is the only thing I ever heard my parents fight about as a child, and my Mum says it was one of the most difficult things about their marriage.

Whatever you give will never be enough. They will always want more, and then will fall out with you at the point when you draw a line and say no, so it might as well be now.

Just when you think you’ve heard it all.

thank god at long last you’ve stopped letting them treat you like mugs. Can’t believe the audacity of some folk.

i’d be asking them straight “what have you ever done for us”

I’ve told DH that if he wants to give them more money then it comes out of his savings, not my inheritance or our joint savings. He said that having thought about it, he’s not going to give them any more

He thought about it, did he? Funny that. Your DH is your biggest problem, and a huge CF. But it seems you are blind to this bit.

Speechless at the audacity. I would have to point out that caring about family means you pay back when you've borrowed money. They are the ones who don't care about family

This. They sound awful, entitled money grabbers.

and thanks @Gulbekian you've described exactly the way I’ve just been used by a “friend”

How your husband has access to all this money to give away when he does not earn it?

I'm sorry for your loss @MrsMagicMoneyTree and how your DH's brother is seeking to exploit your tragedy. The comment about you being an only child is repulsive, especially given all the money he has received and not paid back, money his brother would not have been able to afford to give him. You need to protect your inheritance from your husband, as I fear he is a big part of the problem here.

Have you been paying all bills and your husband saving all his money?

An old friend used to say if you loan an amount ,you may as well think of it as a gift. Often doesnt get repaid!( In What a pair of CFs they are !) Your inheritance is yours and your DD .If you wanted to spend it on anything you like!

@MrsMagicMoneyTree Think about why it is your name that is mud, and not your husband's name. He's been building up his profile as generous family benefactor without having to earn the money. He's now using you to say no, rather than thinking for himself sensibly about his brother's black hole finances, backing you up and saying no on his own behalf. The offering of a financial advisor is just a panacea to make him feel, once again, that he is being generous. He needs to stop feeling he needs to be generous to every hard luck story that comes his way, especially as he is not being generous with his own money.

I assume that’s the one she means!!

So when the niece has graduated and sells the moped, will you get your money back do you think?

Ah. Doh. Well I stand by my point... ignore their cottage and go for a bigger, better one.😂

"When he was working he was sending an Eastern European artist friend £500 a month."

What?

Would you husband be so generous if he didn't have you?

Would the artist friend have received £500 a month without you there to subsidise?

Wherever you said the boundary, these ingrates will still be annoyed with you. You could give them this £10,000, then when you say no to the next £12,000, your name will still be mud. So you might as well stop at zero. What horrid people

You’ve been more than generous, and your money isn’t there’s to spend!