To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

[MrsMagicMoneyTree]

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

“LakieLady · Today 13:20
I can't believe the sheer brass neck of some people. How can anyone repeatedly tap up family members for money when they not only owe them shedloads, but also have a spare house that they could sell or let to repay the debt?

They are the very epitome of cheeky fuckers.”

This with bells on. It was never appropriate but this couple sound awful. And BIL’s attitude to his own father sounds vile.

He has always liked to be generous

@MrsMagicMoneyTree he enjoys being generous with YOUR joint money though. As soon as you told him he can bail his brother out using his own, he has decided he won't be doing that any more

It's your husband who is the main culprit for taking advantage of you though, I'd look a bit closer to home with your blame!

I agree with the pp that it might be time for you to invest in a nice little holiday home, perhaps one abroad in a glorious sunny destination.
But you can bet your arse that those cheeky wankers will be expecting annual invites to it.

Bloody hell, of course yanbu.

Unless you're going to tell us that your inheritance was a few billion. Even then it's your money to do as you choose.

They are cheeky fuckers.

OP, you're the one with the money that means you're the one with the power, you just need to start wielding it properly!

Yes, not sure DH can be trusted with a holiday home! I think I'd be investing the inheritance money somewhere it can't easily be accessed.

The majority of the money will be used to buy the DC a house, which they can either live in or rent out. Although a holiday home is quite appealing! It looks like there will be a nice cottage in Devon coming onto the market soon!

You go, OP. Just make sure it is a bigger, better cottage than your cunty relative's one.
(They're really bringing out the petty in me.)

Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van
Therein lies the problem - your DH should have said he wasn't lending any more money ever as he was still owed 2K and to take out a loan like everyone else has to. That this happened before you inherited and that his own wife's inheritance didn't mean they paid you back the 7K they owed you is reprehensible.

WTF! They own two homes but ask you for money to replace their boiler and buy their DD a moped? Then don’t pay it back and ask for more. Are they for real?

Probably the same sort of people who see someone else's inheritance as an opportunity to be exploited? God knows there are enough of them about

Also agree with PPs who've said it's unfortunate that OP's DH presented this as her decision when offering it as a joint one would have been much more appropriate and avoided his wretched relatives trying to drive a wedge

@MrsMagicMoneyTree It’s not your problem that they can’t manage their own finances. It’s YOUR inheritance, not theirs. Would they be so free lending out their money if they had it, which they don’t, the only money they seem to have is yours !

Ask them outright what his wife's money is being spent on first if she earns the same.
Tell them they still owe you £7k or more.
Your husband is the leach - people that earn £35k can't afford to be generous and to rely on their wife's wealth to show off to their birth family.
What decent man lives off his wife's earnings?!
Tell them you've got your kids to think about not the household of people that earn the same.
Hope others learn from your situation - don't show off and keep your money for your own kids.

What would they do if you didn’t exist?? They would have to cope.

Is your husband spineless usually? Is it just your name that is mud or his too?

Your husbands pension pot will soon evaporate if he will be dishing out money left right and centre!

Have you got a Free Money 4U sign? Just no, it will never stop. In fact it will be an expectation and all the whole they are laughing at you. They can get a loan but that involves paying it back

What a set of spongers. They are only interested in your money. Don’t ever give them another penny.

Some people have a weird sense of entitlement around folk they deem as 'rich'. It does not necessarily come in the form of informal loans like with the OP, but just low level chancing, not chipping in for a group meal, not sharing joint holiday costs, not buying a round, never paying back smaller sums etc because in their head the other person 'can afford it'. It's a weird moral rationalisation for some shitty behaviour.

Well done for turning off the tap and setting boundaries with your DH, too.

The borrowing is one thing but their attitude is unbelievable- no gratitude or acknowledgment of the thousands you have given them already. Just abuse for not giving them more cash. Your niece’s part in this is disgusting - she’s clearly has the same grabby approach as her stupid parents.

Please keep your savings separate from DH in case he gets ongoing emotional blackmail.

I simply can’t believe this is true.

a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford
This was the point at which the freeloaders knew they were onto a good thing.
When you let them get away with that they knew it was party time, they stood underneath the magic money tree and shook it as hard as they could, money rained down on them.
I mean this kindly but unfortunately it's your fault, you have incentivized them to freeload off of you@MrsMagicMoneyTree

Your H likes to be generous.

Notable then that when you told him he'd need to sub his brother out of his own savings, that he decided not to help.

Sounds like he's happy to be generous when it's your money he's using.

People are very good at spending other people's money. It's bloody cheeky. Don't cave on this. Your DH should have your back. What a nerve when they could rent out their holiday cottage. Nasty.

(DH) said that having thought about it, he’s not going to give them any more, but will offer a few sessions with our financial adviser

A while back one of my sisters started declining requests for 'loans' that were never repaid and referred people to Christians Against Poverty or similar (people don't need to be Christian to access the advice) to which she made a donation. She advised me to do the same. We're talking about people who not only never repay but have made it their default way of life that people always bail them out so they take the sort of holidays that I've literally never had in my life, buy cars I'd never consider, pay for private schooling etc.

It makes you deeply unpopular but with people who didn't value your relationship anyway.

I deeply regret the money we've lent to people over the years. It's not helped them (overall, some it has but relatively few) and it's certainly hindered us and our retirement preparations.