Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

303 replies

MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 11:23

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 02/09/2024 14:04

They can fuck right off.

Fanofbrianbilston · 02/09/2024 14:44

Your husband needs to stop sharing private financial information with them and grow a spine.

Glassfullofmilk · 02/09/2024 15:06

Cut them off. This type of person will never stop asking and it will never be enough.

PracticalLady · 02/09/2024 19:12

Sounds like they are not a bit grateful and are just using you as a cash cow. I think you need to write off what you have given them so far and point blank refuse to give them any more.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 02/09/2024 19:19

Point blank refuse to give them any more - yes. Write off the other 'loans' - no. Every time they ask for money or mention your good fortune (ie losing your parents and gaining a house 😢) remind them of what you lent them and how much they owe you.

It's absurd them refusing the loan from his parents because they don't wish to be beholden! You are not their personal cash cow.

AmIEnough · 06/09/2024 12:35

Oh my God! I can’t actually believe I’m reading this! Your family sound like a bunch of money grabbers and to say that you don’t care about your family when you’ve already given them so much and they’ve made no attempt to repay these loans is quite unbelievable! Stand your ground, I would definitely be saving that inheritance to help my own DCs get on the housing ladder as it’s really difficult for the youngsters these days to do that. I think you’ve been more patient and very generous already.

Marieb19 · 07/09/2024 17:58

Stand your ground. You have been a soft touch for too long and they are taking advantage.

Patsy51 · 07/09/2024 18:06

You are being taken for a mug, it’s as simple as that. It has to stop and then you will find out whether they value you as a person or a glorified cash point. If they had paid back earlier loans in full I’d be much more sympathetic

Jenkibubble · 07/09/2024 18:15

MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 11:23

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

YANBU and BILs attitude towards money and his entitled view is clearly being replicated by his daughter !!!!!

Stick to your guns !

Gratefulforlife66 · 07/09/2024 18:23

Oh my goodness. You’re not being unreasonable!! How dare they ask you for so much money!! This isn’t a small handout once, it’s huge sums of money!
if the inheritance money was yours, personally I’d put it very quickly into a high interest/ investment account where you have minimal access.
tell them you are no longer able to support them financially. This is unbelievable how much they’ve taken already and STILL have the cheek to ask for more! I’m so angry on your behalf!!
point out that your family also need assistance and that it’s pot of money that has dwindled due to them dipping into it!!
good luck!! Don’t give in!!

Fireplacewatcher · 07/09/2024 18:56

Ungrateful people don’t remember or care what you have given them, it is the one time you don’t they hammer you for.

Cut them off.

Tell them you would rather donate money to the asthmatic crustaceans charity than give them another penny.

Laurmolonlabe · 07/09/2024 19:16

No you are not being unreasonable- why should you be an open pocket to these people just because you earn more than they do?
What you spend your money on is up to you. The idea of £10,000 "to see us through" is laughable, especially as DSIL earns a similar amount to you, what on earth are they spending it on?
Where you went wrong is telling them what you earn and that you have had an inheritance-that sort of people when they hear that they will automatically have lots of desperate needs they need you to fill. Just say you are getting no more money, you need to budget to live within your means-if your daughter needs something we are not the people she should be coming to.
As for being snobs and not knowing what hard work is like-come back to me when you are earning £70K and tell me how easy it was to get there.
Should your name be mud, and they don't speak to you-all the better if they shun you they can't be asking for handouts they shouldn't need.

AngelicKaty · 07/09/2024 19:36

MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 11:23

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

Wow, just WOW! No, you are NOT being unreasonable to stand your ground and please continue to do so. Maybe you could send them an email listing the money you (and your DH) have already handed over to them, with little expectation of getting it back (and they haven't disappointed you in this regard), as a demonstration of how little you "care for family" (this really makes my blood boil! 🤬). They're not asking for money, they're DEMANDING it! How dare they?! And how can you not know what hard work is? Do they think you sit on your hands for that salary? Be strong OP! Wishing you all the best. 😊

increasinglyconcerned · 07/09/2024 20:24

Why did you agree to another 'loan' so soon after the first, when £2,000 was still at large?

If you didn't ask for it to be repaid, what was the reason?

Throwawaygh · 07/09/2024 20:26

Just tell them to GTF and it’s the end of the conversation. If they aren’t happy, tough and I’d be telling the niece she’s an entitled little brat who can get a job and buy her own moped. I wouldn’t entertain any more conversations after that.

jen337 · 07/09/2024 21:02

Fucking hell, well done for finally standing up to these grifters. The dn’s remark in particular is the epitome of cheeky fuckery. Now stick to your guns!

Logicalsue · 07/09/2024 22:31

.

MischkasMum · 08/09/2024 00:52

Like hell you are! The unreasonable ones are the outlaws, thinking that you're their own personal banker - who doesn't have to be repaid. Feckin outrageous behaviour from ALL of them, including the niece. Tell them to go take a flying fuck to themselves. Oh, and if hubby wants to continue with the handouts, tell him to get a fucking job cos you aren't doing it anymore.

MischkasMum · 08/09/2024 00:53

Throwawaygh · 07/09/2024 20:26

Just tell them to GTF and it’s the end of the conversation. If they aren’t happy, tough and I’d be telling the niece she’s an entitled little brat who can get a job and buy her own moped. I wouldn’t entertain any more conversations after that.

Well said 👏👏👏👏

WhenTheRedRedRobinComesBobBobBobbingAlong · 08/09/2024 04:38

Nuggetnuggety · 31/08/2024 11:40

I mean they are cheeky and as you say aren’t poverty stricken. But if I had a significant inheritance I would treat/gift family anyway. I don’t know what you count as significant, for me it would be 300k plus.

Edited

Are you bonkers?? It’s OPs inheritance from HER FAMILY! Nothing to do with her DHs brother, so why the hell should she give him any of that??!! They are right feeloaders. Unbelievable!!!

WhenTheRedRedRobinComesBobBobBobbingAlong · 08/09/2024 04:46

Well I think DNiece is a spoilt brat tbh and so is DHs brother!! I definitely wouldn’t be giving them any more money, in fact I wouldn’t have given them any in the 1st place, you have been more than generous OP!

rebeccasays · 08/09/2024 08:38

It's not your responsibility to provide for them financially.
If they are really in need, they can sign up for a food bank or apply for financial help with paying electric bills etc ...
If they are working and earn an average or above salary, it's a joke that they keep asking for money.

angela1952 · 08/09/2024 10:15

Gratefulforlife66 · 07/09/2024 18:23

Oh my goodness. You’re not being unreasonable!! How dare they ask you for so much money!! This isn’t a small handout once, it’s huge sums of money!
if the inheritance money was yours, personally I’d put it very quickly into a high interest/ investment account where you have minimal access.
tell them you are no longer able to support them financially. This is unbelievable how much they’ve taken already and STILL have the cheek to ask for more! I’m so angry on your behalf!!
point out that your family also need assistance and that it’s pot of money that has dwindled due to them dipping into it!!
good luck!! Don’t give in!!

Yes, an account without instant access would make loans impossible, maybe they’d stop hassling you if they knew it was a waste of time.

Glassfullofmilk · 08/09/2024 11:51

@Nuggetnuggety £300k is nothing when it comes to money grabbers like this. My DP’s are now starting to redistribute (next lot more than your figure) and my in-laws love have always loved telling me how I need to share. I can’t imagine what they will come up with when my parents actually die as I have absolutely no doubt it will step up. But they can get to fuck.

MischkasMum · 08/09/2024 12:16

Nuggetnuggety · 31/08/2024 11:40

I mean they are cheeky and as you say aren’t poverty stricken. But if I had a significant inheritance I would treat/gift family anyway. I don’t know what you count as significant, for me it would be 300k plus.

Edited

Are you having a laugh? Why the actual fuck should she "treat" these freeloaders? It's HER inheritance and not for distribution among various greedy relatives! I'd say they've already had their treat due to the thousands of pounds in unpaid loans. The SIL earns as much as her, they have a holiday home etc but STILL continue taking money and not paying it back. It's a bloody disgrace. As for that niece, if any of mine spoke to me like that, they'd get their arses handed to them!

Swipe left for the next trending thread