To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

[MrsMagicMoneyTree]

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

Actually i;#'m annoyed at your DH for not sorting his family of chancers out.

Jeez, I'd be telling them a hard no and I wouldn't feel the need to be particularly polite about it. Who gives a toss if they start name calling? Fight fire with fire against the grabby little chancers. They're blatantly living outside of their means and view you as the cash machine to claw at when they need more. You need to highlight how much you have given them and how little of it that they have paid back. No to any more requests from now on. I can't believe they've got a holiday home and yet have the audacity to plead poverty, it's laughable.

I think her husband is one of the chancers.

DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

The irony...

Give the lot of them the heave ho!

DH took early retirement before my parents died. He has always liked to be generous. When he was working he was sending an Eastern European artist friend £500 a month. I said it should have been a joint decision. To be fair, we did get some amazing paintings in exchange. His friend died suddenly, so that put an end to that.

I don’t mind helping out if people need it, but I don’t want to be taken advantage of. And what DSIL and DBIL don’t seem to realise is that I got this money because my parents died, and quite close together. It’s not like I won the lottery.

Wow they are entitled CF’s! Impressive brass neck pleading poverty and having a holiday home you have never been to! Why can’t niece get a job to pay for scooter? Why can’t your husband get a job if he is that fussed to help them? I wouldn’t give them anything and ask for the other money back

Exactly this, I earn 90k and have (shared with husband) 300k saved and no mortgage. I don't sub people. I also don't get asked though as no one knows what I have.

Move all your money into premium bonds & ling term deposit accounts and lock it away so it can't be touched. The reason why your dh can easily send people money without any thought is because it's too accessible.

Make the money less available, so lock it away or buy property to let out so there's something for your children. Your bil needs to get a p/t job while his business is quiet so he's got a regular income.

You’re being treated like an ATM. And the minute you pump the brakes, they badmouth you. Tells you everything you need to know.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

What is lacking in him that he feels the need to do this? Was he poverty stricken as a child, he needs to be looking at where this urge comes from. Does he like the feeling he gets when people are grateful - this is a session with a therapist, that's where he needs to spend some money!

People like that have no integrity or pride. While I would always be there for my siblings if they had serious issues that they couldn't solve themselves, it is not normal to give siblings constant handouts.

I am one of 5 siblings. Two of us live basic modest, but very happy, lives, the other three have done exceptionally well. I have never and would never ask them for money unless I was on the bones of my arse.

You and/or your dh have dug yourselves into a hole of being seen as providers (and some people, especially men, enjoy the kudos which goes with that). They won't remember what you have given them, only what you didn't.

Time to stop the cycle, but make sure your dh is onboard with that too. He is weak telling them YOU said no, rather than standing united and saying WE say no.

He seems very free with other people's money,,,

If it helps you to stay strong OP -what would your parents think of you giving chunks of your inheritance away? I'm sure they rould want that money to help you, your own family and their Grandchildren. Not relatives on the other side of the family who have a holiday home and a parent of their own able to help if needed.

They haven't so much as invited you for tea - are you losing much with their relationship.

I would save £50 a year not buying birthday or Xmas for niece - after her cheekiness when you gave her a load of cash!

I can't believe the sheer brass neck of some people. How can anyone repeatedly tap up family members for money when they not only owe them shedloads, but also have a spare house that they could sell or let to repay the debt?

They are the very epitome of cheeky fuckers.

’Lending’ them more money when they hadn’t repaid the first lot just taught them they could continue doing the same. Also, a lot of people aren’t grateful for what you give them, but consider it something they’re entitled to (often because ‘family’). They resent you for having it, consider anything you give them to be rightfully theirs, and they’ll resent you for not giving it to them.

Let them bitch and moan - either way they’re not going to like you or appreciate what you’ve done for them. Fuck’em.

They won't remember what you have given them, only what you didn't.

This.

Your husband is a big part of the issue here.

Was he really earning £35k a year and sending £500 a month to an artist?

They realise, they just don’t care. Regardless of how you got it, you have money and they want it.

(DH) said that having thought about it, he’s not going to give them any more, but will offer a few sessions with our financial adviser

That's exactly what I'd have done myself, but do be aware it'll wind them up even more. They don't want "advice", they want money, and to people such as this the fact you have it and they don't is reason enough for their entitlement (and that's despite the fact they actually do have it via the holiday cottage and her own inheritance)

Since it's now stopped working for them I'd prepare yourself for some invented "emergencies" in an attempt to chisel yet more out of you, but apart from saying no there's not a lot more you can do. They'll get over it (or not) in time, and for yourself and DH it'll be a lesson in no good deed going unpunished

That's what I was thinking. They'll have invested her inheritance but think they can live off yours. You've nothing to be feeling guilty about - it's not like they're struggling to put food on the table, they have plenty of capital.

You have a DH problem.

Sounds like he threw you under the bus when he 'relayed the message'. He's made you the bad guy with his family, which is why theyre all turning on you. And now that any "loans" have to come from HIS savings suddenly he agrees they can't have anymore. He's an absolute d**k.

I think it's time you invested in a lovely holiday cottage!
The comment about you not understanding having siblings is very poor form. In my experience siblings who do not hang out in each other's homes for the occasional meal etc. are not really close enough to give money in the way you have been.

Who on earth said YABU? So they earn well and have a holiday home but still want you to pay up. It’s beyond belief, ultimately CFs. Stand your ground.

They gave a holiday home but are wanting handouts from you? Absolutely CFs. I’d he very clear, as “No, you still owe me x, and you have a second home you could use to raise extra money if you really need it. If you were to sell it you’d have plenty of cash.”
And put your inheritance somewhere safe in your own name, your DH is also a CFfor making loans out of your money.