Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

[SunnyWavess]

Oldest is 17 now
Youngest 12 now

DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever!

I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time.

We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc…

I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

You’re going to have various opinions here OP & the people who are going to tell you that having a baby in your 40s is crazy.
We now live in a generation where older mothers are far more common than years ago. Until you hit the menopause you can still conceive. Yes there are more risks but there is also tests & screening available to check for certain conditions.
if you & your partner are really up for it then go for it. My sister had her 3rd at 44 a month before she turned 45. She didn’t meet her now husband until she was 38 so had no choice but to have her children ‘late’!

Look. men who haven’t had babies will always think it’s easier than it is… my friend had a baby with her new partner and the strain of it split them up…she’s now single parenting two teenagers plus toddler and coordinating with two dads. It’s a lot to handle. You’ve had babies, you know how hard it is - they don’t. She can’t even take them on holidays that cater for everybody because their ages are so different. Honestly it’s such a bad idea unless the age gap isn’t that bad and firmly committed ie married.

91% of voters said this lady was BU to worry about her age????

It's a really long thread but overwhelmingly, people seem to say it's np to be an older mum

Even if we’d met in our mid 20’s he wouldn’t have been able to commit

Why would he not have wanted to commit to you?

Well I guess OP asked for an opinion. But not every opinion is equal or indeed valid. There are opinions from women on this post who have no lived experience of being an older mother and are just bringing their own judgement to a question and there are people who have lived experience and close family experiences. Those will be more realistic to what the experience will be like for you not as a younger person judging you. Good luck with your decision.

I don't really think others can advise you-it's a personal decision.

I didn’t know what a newborn scrunchy was either 😱

It’s that in the womb reflex isn’t it where they scrunch themselves really small. Lasts about 2/3 weeks after birth then disappears.

Thing is trying for a first at 40 is different to a huge gap then going again. You’ll never get to be anything more than raising children.

I hope things improve for you soon @LoggedOutAgain

That’s so kind. I never thought my fifties would feel like this! I just keep on going, as what’s the alternative. I appreciate the flowers, thank you.

I found the migraines very debilitating, but at 65 I rarely get headaches these days. Hopefully there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you as well.

Is your eldest 15 or 17? You describe them as both

I just don't think either you or your OH have really thought this through.

The fact that he has waited until now to request a baby just shows how clueless he is about the toll it can take on older mothers - not just childbirth, but the years of grunt work parenting (which you have now finished).

He doesn't really know the physical toll and risks involved. All the older mothers I know are knackered. If neither of you had DC I could understand it more or if you had only been seriously going out for a short time - not 9 years. Why didn't he ask 6 years ago?

It is not fair he is putting you under this pressure, particularly as you sound very non-committal about it all.

You want to start trying for a baby at 44 - just so your partner can hold a baby in a 'newborn scrunchy??' really??? 🙄

Also, if we're being snarky (as you are) it's actually newborn scrunch, NOT newborn scrunchy. So it looks like you don't know much more about it than I do LOL!

And I see that a bunch of others on here have never heard of this either.

You don't need to have a 'lived experience' to know it's not a good idea to start trying for a baby at 44! I have never taken any recreational class A and B drugs, but I know that taking them is a bad idea! I have never jumped from an airplane with no parachute but I know it's a bad idea. I have never driven a car at 95mph but I know THAT is a bad idea.

I don't have to have a child at 44-45 to know it's not a good idea. For so many reasons - already listed here by some posters.

Also, some posters have the right to the opinion it's not a good idea because they had older parents themselves. I know/have known around 8 people whose parents had them at 43-45-ish, and they HATED it, having older parents. At senior school, many of their friends parents were in their 30s and 40s, and their parents were nearly 60! Every last one had people thinking they were their grandparents.

Also never heard of newborn scrunchy. Assuming it's an insta made up phrase for "baby curled up"?

Part of me thinks isn't this why reborns were invented? I get very nostalgic and sentimental over my very carefully selected memories of my little newborns. The decision to have and raise a new baby to 18 is a totally different consideration.

Like PP if I'd already raised children to 12 or 16 or whatever the age of your oldest child is then TTC now means potentially up to 40 years of. your life with dependent children.

Yeah when they automatically turn themselves into little armadillos curled up like still in the womb.

44 is way too old. As you hurtle towards menopause you will really notice the ageing process accelerating (sorry, but it’s inescapable), and having babies Is physically and emotionally knackering. Never mind the increased risk of fetal abnormalities. Plus the added complexity of having teenagers (and no doubt ageing/infirm parents). I think you’re mad to even be considering it.

This. ^

I had my third and final child at almost 42.

Would I recommend leaving it so late? No.
Initially it was fine, their siblings were still quite young.

Now, 13 years later I am mentally and physically exhausted.

Menopause with young children? No thanks. It was gruelling!

But the worst thing is that my third didn't get the best of me and I will always feel regret that they didn't get to experience as much as their older siblings, I was too tired.

Op, were your two kids close enough in age to play together a lot?

I have an only. He's active and wants to play all the time. It's lovely but absolutely exhausting.

I know you're focussing on the newborn stage but you need to consider what your life will be like if you have a 3-8 year old with boundless energy who wants you both to play all day. Can you both handle that?

I know someone who's mum had a similar gap, whilst she adores her sibling she admits now that she kind of lost her mum because everything revolved around the little one. Instead of moving on to different family activities or holidays for example, still stuck with the kiddy ones.
I think your chance was 5 years ago, if your DH had been that bothered nothing would have stopped you.
Re the finances, put that money in your pension and giving your kids the best opportunities

@HeySummerWhereAreYou your post just shows your ignorance. It is not a bad idea. That’s your bad opinion. Equating another child with dangerous activities is ridiculous and honestly I don’t think anyone should engage with you and your nonsense so I will not try and explain the error of your post/judgement etc. to you. Because you are clearly unable to understand. I do hope your life understanding improves as you mature. I’d hate to think this narrow world view is all you’ll ever have.

Agree.

I'm 45 with 2 young adult DC, only 1 at home now and there is no way I would go through all that again. The teenage years were a bloody nightmare at times.