Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

[SunnyWavess]

Oldest is 17 now
Youngest 12 now

DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever!

I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time.

We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc…

I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

I'm the same age and have definitely had broody moments recently, but then I think OH and I are just getting our own lives back. My kids are independent now and we can go away, do what we want. I'm not sure I'd want to go back to having a totally dependent child again for the next 16 or so years.

Fear of possibly upsetting a teenager is not a good enough reason to remain childless for the rest of your life. Can you imagine if it was a woman posting from the partner's side of things?

Hi, I have been with my partner for 9 years now and helped raise his two children from a previous relationship. I'm 40 now and would like to have a child of my own, but DH says no, that it might upset his other children and that I should continue to just focus on them.

Everyone would be telling her to leave!

By all means the OP has every right to say no to having another child at her age if she doesn't want one, but her husband isn't doing anything wrong by wanting a child of his own and he wouldn't be doing anything wrong if he leaves her to pursue that with someone else. Which will also negatively affect her teenagers.

I also remember someone saying to me, you are so lucky to have two healthy children, your next one could be disabled or have health problems resulting in them being dependent on you for life. Of course you would love them whole heartedly but it would have such an impact on the rest of your life c

@HollyKnight It's very different when you are the one who has to risk your health carrying and giving birth to this baby, taking time off work for maternity leave and then (which usually happens) being the default parent for many years. As a woman you should never have a child to please someone else and OP has said she already feels like she has done her part with the two she has got.

@HollyKnight calling it fear of upsetting a teenager is major minimising.
Loving parents weigh up the impact on existing children, before having another child.

Yes. I understand that. Like I said, she has every right to say no if she doesn't want to have another child. He can't make her, and she can't make him stay.

@HollyKnight no one can make anyone stay. She might have a baby, her DH decides he can't cope with the reality, and walks out.
If you have a baby it has to be because you think it is the right thing to do for you and your family. Not to try and hang on to a partner.

Yes and that includes weighing up the impact on existing children of not having another child. What do you think it will do to the existing children if the man who has helped raise them leaves them because he wants to pursue having a child with someone else? I reckon that would be just as devastating, if not more.

Neither person is wrong in this scenario. It's perfectly natural to want to have a child of your own. If he wants a child and she doesn't, there isn't going to be a perfect solution. Which is why the OP is seriously considering what to do here.

I think this is difficult though because it sounds like having a baby sibling is always going to be worse off older siblings, which it isn’t. My friend’s sister is 15 years younger and she said it saved her through her horrendous teen years and they still have an amazing relationship.

MonsteraMama · Today 01:26

Absolutely not. Babies grow up, if you're having it purely so a man can experience holding a newborn that came from his ballsack that's a completely ludicrous reason to bring a whole ass life into the world.

You are the one who said it was ludicrous to have a baby with someone because he would like his own biological child, as if it was really unreasonable. I'm assuming the potential father in question understands that babies don't just evaporate once they get out of nappies too. I'd also say that plenty of whole ass lives have been brought into the world, cared for and nurtured into adulthood and beyond, because some people felt the urge to reproduce (as we are designed to). Taking this normal drive and reducing to just wanting to spawn an offspring from his own testes, came across as really reductionist and like there was something abnormal about it.

I know a number of people having babies well into their 40s and not looked back. I think this is v negative.

Negative or realistic?

While it does work for some people, there are vastly increased risks that come with being a geriatric mother (and those risks increase again with a "geriatric" father).

OP doesn't even seem to want a baby, it's driven by her partner.

And you think if they were in 20-30s …. They would happily keep someone else’s child longer?

People will never openly admit any regrets about having children.
Look for the thread about 50yo with children under 10. Lots of people expressing regret and fears for their future and their kids future.

It's risk vs benefit. Yes, OP could have a perfectly healthy child. But the risk of miscarriage is 20% at 35, 40% by 40 and 60-80% at 45. Downs syndrome risk on age alone 1 in 30 by 45 compared to 1 in 350 at 35.

It's not negative to say you have a higher chance of miscarriage and disabled children at 45. It's fact. Even based on miscarriage risk alone, almost three quarters of pregnancies at OPs age will not result in a healthy baby.

Personally I would think the risk of trauma from not conceiving, miscarriages, going through with a termination due to chromosomal defects, is far far more damaging mentally than giving your head a wobble and enjoying what you have.

Oh god, soooo this.

This is all a bit depressing. I'm 40 with a 6 and 1 year old. You'd think I was already one foot in the grave from some of these comments!

OP, you can try. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

I had DD at 41, and have friends who have done the same.

However, it is very naive to deny the risks associated with being an older mum, which are undeniably higher. I'm not being negative, just realistic.

All the "I know someone who was a mum past 40" anecdotal posts are just that - anecdata not scientific data.

I think too many posters regard the idea of having babies through rose tinted spectacles.

I think your mad if you start all over again you are almost at nice ages where you can go and enjoy life again as in kids will what independence and to do their own thing and so can you .

I’m not sure I agree. I’d say the same to a woman- you knew at 31 what you were getting into, and yes people can change, but having made this commitment to the partner and these children is about as big as making a commitment to your own kids, so to suddenly say you want something different and a massive change to everyone else’s life isn’t as straightforward and realistic as you’re suggesting here.

Furthermore, when it’s the older female partner who will be asked to make ALL of the physical sacrifices and probably the lion’s share of the career sacrifices that having a new baby entails, on behalf of the man who’s feeling broody, it is actually a much bigger ask. Not to mention her older children who are also being asked to make sacrifices on behalf of their stepdad (Mum’s time and attention, her headspace, her health potentially, and in the scenario of a sibling with additional needs, potentially a caring role in the future due to their parent’s choices rather than their own). It’s a huge ask.

I personally wouldn’t due to chances of risks as you get older and the fact you’ll be more tired when baby is here!

I wouldn’t consider it - too risky. Enjoy the kids you already have.

My DM was a month shy of 44 when she had me. It was fine as a child and a teenager, but now I'm 37 with two small children and she's a frail 80 year old, it's a nightmare.

No. Get a puppy.

It’s your hormones talking.

God no.