Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

[SunnyWavess]

Oldest is 17 now
Youngest 12 now

DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever!

I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time.

We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc…

I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

Maybe the first post was a typo, 17 instead of 16?
then if 15 but very nearly 16 I can imagine saying 16 instead of 15.

but yes 🤔

Another question is how much you want grandkids. My parents had me and most of my siblings young. Had a final baby later on at 40 - who turned out to have autism.

Do we love our sibling? Yes.
Do we wish they'd never been born? No
Was being a teenager with an autistic preschooler running around better birth control than money could buy? Most definitely.

All of the older siblings, myself included, swore we'd never have kids after seeing how much work it was. I'm the only one that went back on it and had a child.

Doesn't it depend on the needs of your child @CortieTat?
And how much you can afford paid help, and/or the type of career you have?

Great post

I don’t feel at all old. I’ll be helping him move in to his campus and I’ve got my newly graduated other son back home. I’m out and about, I meet up with friends, I live exactly how anyone twenty years younger than me does. Some people are old at forty and some are young at sixty.

Having said that though I definitely wouldn’t want a baby if I had grown children, no matter what my age.

You can’t imagine it because you didn’t do it, which is fair enough. I had my children in my early forties and it felt no different to me than if I’d been in my thirties. I was healthy, slim, mobile, all the things you’d expect from a younger mum. I made primary school mum friends who are still friends well after the kids all left. I also cared full time for my mum until she passed away. I’m in my 60s, excited about life and I have plans. I’m neither exhausted or old.

It probably does and one of my children has always been high need.

We have some paid help (cleaners and gardening) but it has to do with the fact that I had my career first and then the children. If I had my children in my 20s with a random fiancé I happened to have in my 20s I would probably spend my days running the whole household by myself and chasing alimony payments.

Or maybe not. There are many positives to having children later in life that is why I commented because many PPs don’t seem to realise it’s not only drawback. We live longer and have a lot more opportunities to improve our health expectancy than the previous generations, so I don’t understand why people assume that a 50-year old is half dead.

OP, if you’ve been together 9 years and your youngest is 12, your DP has had plenty of experience of really young children. So it’s only the baby stage he craves, and his own biological child? I wonder what’s the driver behind this at this age/stage.

I don't feel old either. I love my job, and I might as well get paid for doing something I enjoy as well as being able to claim my pension.

I think having DD later in life has kept me young.

I'm 65 and read some of the posts on MN from women in their 40s who seem more decrepit than me (I'm not at all decrepit. I just have a touch of arthritis in one foot).

@CortieTat it’s very different though if you have already been a parent for 16-17 years. To then start over again means that you will be parenting for at least a total of 35 years but probably closer to 40 years. That’s a huge chunk of your life having to compromise on you personal wants and needs. My youngest is 19 and I am still not completely out of the woods, neither are my friends who have kids similar ages. It’s easy to just think of the baby/toddler years but parenthood is a loooong commitment.

I agree. I’ve read many posts on MN by women far younger than me who seem a lot older than me in their outlook. I’m not a gp but if I were I still feel young enough to look after them.

(Not that I’d want more babies, even if physically possible, which thankfully it isn’t).

Just to say you get a lot more tired when you hit your 50s and menopause kicks in.
You also have the difficult teenage years to come with your youngest...

If you were childless, no problem
But you have kids who would rather have you around to help them navigate uni open days, A Level choices, fun holidays, weekends with them rather than pushing a pram and changing nappies. Notwithstanding the shitshow you would subject them to if a subsequent child had SN.

Yes agree!
The exam stuff is really stressful too.

I think you would need to do it for you, not to appease someone else's need.

My parents are very early 50s. Fit and healthy but happy to hand my toddler back to me!

I had my second at 40, haven't looked back yet!

Have a fertility MOT. Then have discussions on if inheritance will change and consider if it would change anything in his wider family. Don't assume it will still stay equal between the children. My Mum had me at 40, but we are very healthy until we die iyswim. She worked until her late 70's and did childcare for me. Her sister, my Aunt is fit and well at 92. I'm my DD's childcare (7&9) I'm not knackered. I practically co-parent. You'd have to keep healthy and your DH would have to pull his weight, so discussions around that (after the MOT). It wouldn't be fair to expect help from your teens. Your disposable income would be gone. You have got to consider a child who has disabilities and how they would fit in. I do my GC hospital appointments with them and the lack of support is frustrating. School wants a lot of parental involvement.

You're lucky to have two lovely, healthy kids already. Don't tempt fate and enjoy this next stage of your life.

The fact your existing DC would love a sibling is neither here nor there, as they can't possibly know how a newborn/toddler would really affect the family dynamics.

One my friends has that kind of setup, with 7 children. The parents have been parenting for their whole adult lives. The adults are into climbing so now they have a whole family of climbers at various stages. She had to skip some climbing holidays when she had newborns.

Most gp are happy to return the kids no matter what age. I think rather than just the age it’s the fact that once you’ve done your child rearing to adulthood the idea of doing it all over again just feels too much.

Your posts alarm me OP. This is not about having a baby when you are older, people are missing the point.
Your DH has been in the life of your youngest since they were 3 years old. For practical day to day purposes, he is their dad.
But you say your DH wants to experience the overwhelming love he would feel for his own family. So what you are really saying is you want to have a new baby, who your DH will love much more than the two existing children.
Can you really not see how this could be a recipe for disaster? You could end up with your youngest rebelling at the obvious lack of love he will see for himself, and go off the rails. Teenagers who feel unloved are not a recipe for successful teenage years.
Sadly I do not think it is uncommon for women to have a baby in your circumstances. But it is also not that unusual for blended families to break down during teenage years either.

Also those saying they are in their fifties and sixties raising young children are not recognising that some children are easy to raise, and some are hard. You never know what you will get.

At 44, the chances of you having a baby with additional needs is quite high.

I know a couple of who did exactly what you're considering. Their son has severe autism and the dad left because he couldn't cope. So now she's a single mother to a young child at 50 and had to give up work.

This. The age is a red herring

On these threads people always say "I had a baby at 40, and it was fine so go for it". There's a big difference between 40 and 44 in terms of fertility.
I personally wouldn't. Of course, you can try but be aware you're unlikely to get pregnant or stay pregnant.