Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

[SunnyWavess]

Oldest is 17 now
Youngest 12 now

DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever!

I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time.

We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc…

I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

Just get on with your own lives now- do something other than raise children!

I'd say stop and think.
You haven't wanted another baby in 9 years but now you do.

Does this have anything to do with your eldest nearing college age?

Why did you not try 3 years ago say?

You say your older ones would love it, have they much experience with small babies?

You say you have been with your partner for 9 years so I think you should have thought about having a baby years ago. Of course you can always try as long as you take into consideration increased risk due to your age.

Men start to produce low quality sperm after 27, tbh a 41 year old has left it too long to suddenly decide he wants his own biological children. Some people don't like talking about how older fathers are the cause of so many problems pregnant women/kids experience, but it's a massive issue and one you need to seriously think about.

Not in 100 million years would I be trying for a baby at 44. The latest I'd want to start trying would be 36 to 37 because it could take a year or two to get pregnant. 39 is the top age I'd want to actually HAVE the baby.

And when you've already got two almost grown/teen children - absolutely no way. Your partner - when he got with you - knew you had two children already. AND you were in your mid to late 30s ... So he should have understood there's a chance that he might not ever have a child with you.

And the fact you think it's OK to have a baby in your mid 40s because you didn't start your periods til 16, 'so lots of good eggs will be left' makes me despair for humanity! 😖

Yeah, just NO. No way! As has been said tell your partner to get a puppy. Putting yourself through pregnancy/having a baby in your mid 40s - with all the risks for you and the risks for the baby and all the things that could go wrong, so 'he can experience holding a newborn in a scrunch position' is ludicrous.

Common sense is prevailing on Mumsnet too, with 3 out of 4 posters thinking it's a dreadful idea to start trying for a baby in your mid 40s. Makes a change as posters on this type of thread often champion having babies in your mid 40s, which I find batshit as no-one I know in real life does. Ever. Soooooo many reasons not to start 'trying' now, that have already been mentioned. As I said, NO WAY.

No. You could have a horrific menopause in ten years ( or earlier!) Your call totally, but it's a no from me.

My 8 month old is fast asleep next to me whilst I read all these opinions. I’ve just turned 45. I had my first naturally when I was 37, desperately wanted a sibling for her but lots of complications meant we had to resort to ivf. This resulted in an easy pregnancy and I recovered well after a c section. We’ve been very fortunate as we’re given a less than 3% chance of ivf success using my own eggs (and then of course all the hurdles that follow) but genetic testing found one viable egg! Yes im getting on but my 7 year old is a great help and I have a strong support network. Also financially stable. I’m tired but finding as I’ve done it before im less stressed and the joy of seeing my daughter with her younger sister makes it all worth it. If I’d already had 2 I may have thought differently. For me it was about completing our family.

I am 51. If someone gave me a 7y old to look after now in my perimenopausal state, I would cry and not stop till they left home.

I felt like a different person in my forties. So much energy. Till I turned 48..

Do it.

Exactly. You'll be a different person. You will feel so different in your early-mid 50s compared to your mid 40s. People often start to develop health issues around 48-50 that they didn't see coming, and that can be quite debilitating.

Menopause is an absolute killer for a lot of women too, and even if you pretty much sail through it and have a reasonably good time like some women do, you will still be quite tired and weary quite often.

Also, many women have a short fuse, and have no patience for junior school age children in their mid 50s. The 4-8 y.o. kids in my road (6 of them) have driven me fucking batshit this summer holidays with their whining and squealing. Like FUCK could I stand that if it were my own children - just 4 to 8 and me in my mid 50s. Hell noooooooooooooooo!

And do you really want a child that's still at school when you're in your 60s?! Really? Come on!!! You will basically have spent 40 years caring for children @SunnyWavess LOL! Nope!

Having children and raising them is wonderful (most of the time!) But ya know what is also wonderful??? Them leaving home and you getting your home and freedom back, and having shit loads of surplus money again!!! (At around 50! Give or take several years.)

I felt like a different person in my forties. So much energy. Till I turned 48..

That's a worryingly young age to feel old and lacking in energy. Have you tried HRT?

DD was 8 when I celebrated my 50th birthday. As I was going through the menopause I had a cracking migraine as well. I'm now out the other side, and fortunately the migraines have abated.

Sorry but don't do it! My sister just turned 44 she had a baby at 43 and oh boy is she regretting it. She's aged overnight she is absolutely exhausted and ever since she gave birth she's has the most amount of back problems and her health has taken a nose dive.

Having children and raising them is wonderful (most of the time!) But ya know what is also wonderful??? Them leaving home and you getting your home and freedom back, and having shit loads of surplus money again!!! (At around 50! Give or take several years.)

Yes! 100% agree.

I didn’t say old, but I started feeling tired at 48. Is that so unusual? Anyway, I tried various types of HRT for 18 months. None of them worked and they gave me tinnitus. I still feel tired now and have daily migraines and I’m under specialist neurological care.i have a v tough job which doesn’t help.

Life is most definitely not fun at the moment!

Don't listen to the naysayers OP. You have thought it all through, you both want a baby, you only live once. I have never agreed with people that say 'you can move on to the next phase, get your life back' etc. I love having small kids, it has never been something to 'get through' it's my favourite phase of life so far, so in your position I would definitely give it a try.

Haven read the entire thread and apologies if this point has been made already. But I wonder whether OP is afraid of losing her partner to a younger and fertile woman if she won’t have a biological child for him. And BTW, them being together for as long as 9 years with him only now wanting a child doesn’t quite ring true.

Yeah, good point @Sweetmelanin I do wonder this too, if she is so desperate to 'give him a child' because she doesn't want him going off with someone younger and more fertile. And it is odd yes, for him to suddenly want a baby now. 9 years they've been together. Why has he left it until she is virtually too old to have a baby to give him a chance to hold a newborn in a 'scrunchy position!' (What does that actually mean?!)

Thanks for your reply

I wasn’t fussed as I have two. DP wanted to make sure we were financially secure before having a baby. It isn’t his be all end end all, because if it was he would have got with someone younger at the start and with no kids! I can’t say I’m desperate for a baby because I have two and he’s known that so could have got with someone who didn’t already have children.

Kids were my priority and I had them with a best friend in the end as I knew he’s be a fantastic father and he is. I knew if I’d have waited for everything to be aligned 100% I’d never have kids so I made it my priority. DH wasn’t ready until late 30’s.

Even if we’d met in our mid 20’s he wouldn’t have been able to commit so we wouldn’t have got together .

He says he’s not bothered in the sense I’ve told him we can separate and he can meet someone else. He doesn’t want that he tells me and I believe him.

You don’t know what the newborn scrunchy is?? Really??

Haven't read all the posts, so this point may have already been raised. At your age the risk of genetic defects such as Downs Syndrome, Edwards and Patau , any many other illnesses, increases dramatically. Are you really willing to play that (potential fatal) genetic lottery for the sake of a 3rd child? Clearly you hadn't planned on having a 3rd as you've been using birth control for 12+ years , so what's prompted the change? Personally, I would save the money you would spend raising a 3rd child towards your retirement, and giving your older 2 a solid financial start to their adult life.

Was there a big gap between her children? I had a baby when I was 43 (my second, a two year gap) and felt great. He’s off to Uni soon and I’m going to miss him terribly.

Link? I haven't seen a thread like this?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5005939-to-be-embarrassed-that-im-50-with-a-9-year-old

The further into it you go other express their throughs too.

Yes. I'm in similar position with two young children and a frail elderly mum in her late 70's. It's hard now and will only get harder. The OP doesn't mention whether her parents or dh's parents are still alive. Assuming they are, in 10 years time she may be in a position of having to jugggle child care with the care needs of ageing parents or in-laws. This is another good reason for not (internationally) having a child at age 44.
My maternal grandparents both died before I was 10, so I have few memories of them, which makes me sad. My paternal grandparents were younger and I was an older teenager when they passed away, I have more memories of them but none of them particularly positive.

Don't do it, it doesn't sound like you both desperately want it anyway, and there's so many cons doing it at your age, with two teens

You don’t know what the newborn scrunchy is?? Really??

Neither do I. I have never heard of the expression.