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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws holidaying close by

163 replies

ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:25

I'm struggling and could do with outsider perspective. DH has his parents in reasonable health, late '70s. My parents are no longer. DH is only child (through choice). His parents have always been very close to him, overbearing so often(his childhood friends confirm this).

When I arrived on the scene over 20 years ago I was young and inexperienced and accepted their overbearing nature. Holidays together including spending all time together, all DH birthdays, their birthdays, my birthday etc. and their inquisitive nature - a high level of interest in our lives.

Our children's arrival has stepped up their attention a notch. Now more birthdays etc etc. More questions. Relentless gifts even when no occasion. All done with kindness.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. Recent holidays abroad have made me feel smothered. All meals, outings together. Talk of DH and I getting time alone but this not happening. Children getting parented by their grandparents. I'm feeling swallowed up in this family and without a role.

Now us immediate four are on holidays abroad together camping and happy. Then we get whatsapp messages that transpire the grandparents have finished their time in different European country and are now spending time in the one we are in. Then it appears they are staying 10 miles away. And today they went to a local attraction which we had talked about. Inevitably they found us. Only I had wimped out as I couldn't face it as I knew they would be there. I've been really upset about it and feel we can't even have a holiday as a family of four without them showing up. DH explained lightly to his parents why I wasn't there and now his mum is upset and affronted.

Was I unreasonable? Maybe the above is all entirely normal and I'm the oddity? As explained above they are so very kind and generous. I've just had enough of their intensity :/

OP posts:
Pomegranatecarnage · 30/08/2024 23:28

That’s just unbelievable-they’ve basically gate crashed your family holiday. YANBU.

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 30/08/2024 23:29

I’m really sorry your PIL have overstepped and arrived like this. I would expect my DH to speak with them to ensure it never happens again.

shampooing · 30/08/2024 23:32

You should be able to go on holiday without them intruding. I would be livid. It’s not like you don’t see them at home!

Your children are yours and DH’s to parent, sounds like you could do with some space to think what boundaries you would be happy with.

Start carving out your space, take up your space as mother and human being and ignore any drama.

CableCar · 30/08/2024 23:34

My in laws have hijacked our holidays twice. Not good, to say the least!

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2024 23:36

It's creepy, like you're being stalked.
Your dh needs to have a firm word, this is not ok, not acceptable.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/08/2024 23:36

That’s terrible. Your husband needs to man up and sort this mess out now.

Worldofflowers · 30/08/2024 23:36

You must have the patience of a saint to have put up with them for so many years.
It just sounds so claustrophobic.

Yes your DH needs to really have a serious conversation about letting you have time and space as a family unit without them.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2024 23:37

I think you urgently need to get yourselves to couples counseling to get this all out in the open, because it could spell the end of your marriage if you continue to hold all this in. Have you ever told your husband how you feel? If so, what was his response?

Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:38

Trying to think have I missed out any balancing arguments. They are very used to travelling around Europe and are often in this country along with others. But they are retired and so could have come here whenever they wanted. They have plenty of money and holiday often.

I just feel sad that they feel entitled to drop in on our own little holiday. But then the children and my DH love them so much (I've always been happy to let them form a strong relationship with the children especially as they only have one set of grandparents) but now I feel almost pushed out.

DH is a pacifist and will do anything to avoid confrontation.

There's another birthday next week and we will be seeing them then. More questions and a massive pile of presents. Which makes me sounds so very ungrateful but I just have had enough.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2024 23:38

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/08/2024 23:36

That’s terrible. Your husband needs to man up and sort this mess out now.

I agree, but I wonder if the op has ever really expressed how she feels and if she's ever said no to their plans.

Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:41

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2024 23:38

I agree, but I wonder if the op has ever really expressed how she feels and if she's ever said no to their plans.

Show quote history

I'm increasingly vocal to him about my feelings. Thinking back I think I always have. I remember pre-children actually crying with relief when a holiday ended and we were driving away.

He's so used to them he thinks it's normal. Then I feel that I'm the problem.

OP posts:
Ted22 · 30/08/2024 23:43

RE: the presents, you can put a boundary in place.

We were running out of storage (and a touch worried about the kids getting spoiled) so had a chat with grandparents, and now they limit to 1-2 token presents. They have a savings account for each child which they put X amount, which they used to spend on the pile of gifts.

Would his parents be receptive to something like that? I agree that big piles of gifts are too OTT. It can be a control thing too. Means they don’t appreciate what they get from mum & dad & others.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2024 23:47

ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:41

I'm increasingly vocal to him about my feelings. Thinking back I think I always have. I remember pre-children actually crying with relief when a holiday ended and we were driving away.

He's so used to them he thinks it's normal. Then I feel that I'm the problem.

Show quote history

In that case, this is definitely a crisis situation. Your husband is deliberately ignoring your very basic needs and simple, totally reasonable requests.

I fear you have reached a breaking point, and that can be a very slippery slope. Your husband needs to start making you a priority or there will be consequences.

Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:48

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2024 23:38

I agree, but I wonder if the op has ever really expressed how she feels and if she's ever said no to their plans.

Show quote history

Their plans to visit this country weren't made clear until earlier this week when their whatsapp message arrived saying where they were staying (very close to where we are camping..).

When DH said why I didn't attend today his mum said that they were purposely doing stuff to not intrude but meeting for a lunch is surely OK.

The thing is, when they started saying where they were and what they were doing I felt I had to start looking over my shoulder. I just feel upset that given they could travel here whenever they wanted they chose to come to the exact location where we were at the same time. So it felt like it wasn't just our holiday anymore.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2024 23:51

"He's so used to them he thinks it's normal. Then I feel that I'm the problem."

Then it appears they are staying 10 miles away. And today they went to a local attraction which we had talked about. Inevitably they found us.

There is nothing normal about this. This could be considered low level stalking, FGS. It's difficult to imagine how anyone could think it's appropriate to intrude on your adult child and his family like this. I am extremely close to my adult children and I would never even consider doing this.

You are not the problem here.

Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:59

Again in an attempt to make sure I'm presenting both sides fairly this local attraction is one they've done before with DH when he was a child. So perhaps it was a coincidence. But I don't believe it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 31/08/2024 00:00

It's like they are jealous of our lives and children. One child in particular is very charming and I see how taken they are with him. They do love the children very much.

OP posts:
Ozgirl75 · 31/08/2024 00:01

I would hate this as well. Can you slowly pull back - don’t mention holidays, just make no mention at all. When you’re away, don’t reply to WhatsApp’s. Birthdays you may have to suck up a bit and cope.
Alternatively, if they’re nice, just say “we love you but we love our holidays to be just the 4 of us so can you not come to the exact same place that we are?”

Snowfalling · 31/08/2024 00:04

Why do you keep going on holidays with them? or agreeing to celebrate your birthday with them? surely you have some agency here? it's all so enmeshed.

Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 31/08/2024 00:06

CableCar · 30/08/2024 23:34

My in laws have hijacked our holidays twice. Not good, to say the least!

What happened to your holidays? How did you react and cope?

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 31/08/2024 00:12

Snowfalling · 31/08/2024 00:04

Why do you keep going on holidays with them? or agreeing to celebrate your birthday with them? surely you have some agency here? it's all so enmeshed.

It's happened for years but not all the time. Then we went twice abroad a year or two ago and the intensity nearly broke me. We had to have one large hire car together as his parents didn't feel confident to drive.

Since then no holidays but we see them often at home. They took the children away earlier this year for 4 days in this country too.

I think they are now probably jealous that we holiday once a year with my siblings and children. The difference is that those holidays are not at all intense, the kids love to all play together and each family does their own thing during the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 31/08/2024 00:13

ineedsomemoremetime · 31/08/2024 00:12

It's happened for years but not all the time. Then we went twice abroad a year or two ago and the intensity nearly broke me. We had to have one large hire car together as his parents didn't feel confident to drive.

Since then no holidays but we see them often at home. They took the children away earlier this year for 4 days in this country too.

I think they are now probably jealous that we holiday once a year with my siblings and children. The difference is that those holidays are not at all intense, the kids love to all play together and each family does their own thing during the day.

Show quote history

I mean they took the kids away in the uk

OP posts:
IWasHittingMyMarks · 31/08/2024 00:29

So.... your DH threw you under the bus with his parents. Wouldn't admit it also annoys him, but made it all about how you feel about their constant intrusiveness and no alone time as a family unit.

I'm sorry. That's really shit.

NewName24 · 31/08/2024 00:33

I would be having really strong words, first of all with your dh for handling it so badly.
He should have not gone to meet them.
He should have replied to the first message telling you they were near by, by saying "How odd. We have planned this as a break just for us. It seems odd you have followed us here."

But I think you should have been more forceful from the start.
My PiL are nice enough, but I wouldn't be going on holiday with them regularly - it completely changes the dynamics, however nice it is for a couple of days, now and then.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/08/2024 00:54

@ineedsomemoremetime you should not be telling them where you are going, ever!! let them think you are just going to go where the mood takes you! I would certainly not be tolerating this any more. there is no need for them to be in your pockets so much!