In-laws holidaying close by

[ineedsomemoremetime]

I'm struggling and could do with outsider perspective. DH has his parents in reasonable health, late '70s. My parents are no longer. DH is only child (through choice). His parents have always been very close to him, overbearing so often(his childhood friends confirm this).

When I arrived on the scene over 20 years ago I was young and inexperienced and accepted their overbearing nature. Holidays together including spending all time together, all DH birthdays, their birthdays, my birthday etc. and their inquisitive nature - a high level of interest in our lives.

Our children's arrival has stepped up their attention a notch. Now more birthdays etc etc. More questions. Relentless gifts even when no occasion. All done with kindness.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. Recent holidays abroad have made me feel smothered. All meals, outings together. Talk of DH and I getting time alone but this not happening. Children getting parented by their grandparents. I'm feeling swallowed up in this family and without a role.

Now us immediate four are on holidays abroad together camping and happy. Then we get whatsapp messages that transpire the grandparents have finished their time in different European country and are now spending time in the one we are in. Then it appears they are staying 10 miles away. And today they went to a local attraction which we had talked about. Inevitably they found us. Only I had wimped out as I couldn't face it as I knew they would be there. I've been really upset about it and feel we can't even have a holiday as a family of four without them showing up. DH explained lightly to his parents why I wasn't there and now his mum is upset and affronted.

Was I unreasonable? Maybe the above is all entirely normal and I'm the oddity? As explained above they are so very kind and generous. I've just had enough of their intensity :/

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. I too married an only child with overbearing parents and our first few years together were very difficult due to their expectations. I really believe they saw themselves and DH as a fixed unit, a trio, and when I came along we would all become one big happy quartet, but I wouldn't play ball so it all got very messy for a while. Infact I went no contact with them as I was sick of hearing how upset they were that I wasn't welcoming enough, I hadn't seen them for a week, I hadn't gone shopping with MIL, I hadn't blah blah blah.

My DH was so conditioned by them and so mired in the FOG he struggled to see the issue and everyone was irritated that I wouldn't just submit. Anyway we patched it up eventually, mainly due to them grudgingly accepting we had our own lives, and I've rubbed along with them for 38 years!!

We have adult children of our own now and grandchildren, and we wouldn't dream of putting pressure on them like we had put on us by DH's parents. DH can't quite believe how controlled he was, it was just so normal for him, but he sees it now and he really resents them for it, particularly as they once piled so much guilt onto him they stopped him taking up an amazing job in New Zealand.

My only advice would be to take a massive step back from them. Have other plans, don't always be available for birthday celebrations and meals out. Be firm about when you're too busy to see them, do stuff on your own and let DH see them on his own if he wants. Honestly they sound worse than my inlaws, and that's saying something.

I’m so sorry OP. I feel this level of intensity with my ILs too.

I think you should ask your DH how they came to know where you are staying and where you were going that day? As he needs to not be telling them about your family holiday plans. And he needs to back you up rather than just ‘x is upset’ - shrugs shoulders.

Once on holiday in France when kids were small, we drove past a supermarket car park and I said “oh I could swear that’s mum’s campervan!” DH kept driving and refused all attempts to make plans to meet up with them - they had clearly made plans to be in the same town without telling us. Nobody was crashing our little family holiday 😂

Loving the way your MIL is upset and affronted by being a stalker weirdo

Your DH is part of the problem, as they often are

Also what did you mean by “Children getting parented by their grandparents.” This sums up exactly what irks me spending time with ILs / I feel they undermine or over-rule me all the time. Like I’m happily watching toddler explore stepping some rocks - FIL bowls in and says ‘oh that looks dangerous let me help’ and I’m left to either snap ‘no he’s fine’ or feel like I’m being told I’m a shit parent.

Good on your DH. That’s the correct response. I struggle with people invading me at home. On holiday -no fucking way!

I would be royally outraged by this. It sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic with them and grossly unfair expectations on you and your dcs to be their source of entertainment. My ILs want to move near to us and I've guessed they'd quickly become just like yours so I'm trying to put them off as long as I can! Put your foot down and start setting the agenda more, it sounds like you MIL is running the show so step into the role yourself and only give way to them when it suits you.

HRFT but if no one has suggested it I'd recommend 'Toxic in laws' by Susan Forward. I knew mine were, but this book helped me put it into perspective. I was young and naive when we married and never questioned anything, trying so hard to be the perfect DIL. Don't be me. I spent over twenty years trying to win their respect when the reality was they always felt I wasn't good enough for their precious DS, despite never putting a foot wrong and being their lapdog.

Potentially this is a good thing in the sense is a really good, unarguable level of intrusion.

As a pp said this is stalker level of violating your family's holiday.

You need to make sure your DH understands that.

If you let this pass and he try's to placate his parents over this you'll spend every next holiday/family day out on high alert waiting for them to pop out from behind a hedge.

You are not only allowed to do things as a family unit without them, it's important that you do. For your children to spend time with their parents without your in laws always present.

It's great they love the grandchildren and want to be involved but it's not healthy or appropriate when it's at a level that means they have an expectation to gatecrash every single family event.

Your DH needs to tackle this head on. It wasn't just meeting for lunch. They choose to holiday at the same location and deliberately track you down to a specific destination.

I'd bet good money if you'd let this slide and gone with them then you'd find they'd insert themselves into the rest of the holiday pronto.

MIL is upset? Boo hoo. She and FIL should be embarrassed.

You need to sit down with your DH and draw up some boundaries pretty fast and make clear that this can't continue because unless you get some space from them with his support you'll get it without him.

I agreed with @BreadInCaptivity, it's so fucking unhinged that it gives you a great opening to say enough is enough. They crossed international boarders to 'coincidentally' be in the same town at the same time. It's insane behaviour!
I'd have suffocated with this level of emeshed behaviour years ago and I think you need a really frank conversation with DH about how unbearable you find it and what you need to change going forwards. Work out what you're happy to continue and what you find too much and set yourself some perfectly reasonable boundaries.

I agree with others that you have a DH problem and as you rightly said he is so used to it that he doesn't see it or he doesn't want to rock the boat and upset his parents.

I'm sure someone will come around soon and tell you how ungrateful you are for all the free gifts and attention but as my mother used to say when I was a child "too much of everything is bad". So you need to stand your ground and set boundaries going forward. They will get upset, they will throw tantrums etc and your DH will get upset at you because he is unable to stand up to his parents so he will blame you but over time they should hopefully come around and if not that's their problem.

These things are easier to handle earlier in the relationship because now it's like the norm to them but better late than never. If your DH insists or refuses to speak up make yourself unavailable and let him meet his parents without you.

Sounds like they have incorporated you into their family unit without any acknowledgement that you and DH have your own family unit. My in-laws tried this for years and I think just ultimately saw me as this grumpy person who always had other plans.i didn't want to spend my precious free time hanging out at their place. DH eventually admitted that he was too enmeshed with them but now shows signs of this with our adult DC. I am always telling him to not assume they are available to see us and respect their boundaries etc. OP this will not go away if you do not nip it in the bud now.

I would stop telling them where I planned to go on a family holiday.

You could have trouble with your DH there though as I am guessing that he is the one who has told them. I'd be laying into him about that.

This is totally inappropriate behaviour from them. Almost stalkerish. We did go on a few holidays with my in-laws (they had an apartment in the Mediterranean which we loved to go to, occasionally while they were there), but we also went to plenty of places on our own as our small family unit. Nobody ever gatecrashed them. I'd have been furious if they had.

You need to ensure that they don't know where you are. He must have told them.

As far as gifts, set up a savings fund for each child and explain you are trying to make sure they have sufficient funds for university when they are 18 so appreciate contributions to that rather than more than token gifts.

A good compromise is one joint holiday and one individual holiday

It sounds unbearable.
Your MIL sounds bossy.
Taking offence?
Let her. Maybe cause a huge argument and refuse to see them.
I would rather never see them than allow them take over my life.
Your husband is selfish, doesn't care about how you feel.
You have chosen badly.
He threw you under a bus but now you need to run with it.
You need to be a lot firmer.
This is your family and your life.
They do not get to take over your family life.
Ask your husband does he want to return home and live with his mummy?
Let him go would be my advice.
Selfish man.
Stop tolerating it.

This is not ok. My DH showed signs of this (blaming not visiting his parents on my full schedule, when I thought it would be a good idea to see them), and I addressed it with him. It was easier to blame it on me and he did not consider possible consequences.
This way, he's perpetuating the idea that he and his DPs are a unit and you are the outsider.

He does have to address it with them, honestly but with love. The way it's going, it might result in a complete breakdown of the relationship between you and your ILs, and it needn't. They are good GPs to your children and at some point, the children will develop a relationship with their GPs that you will not need to facilitate. It is in their interest to preserve the relationship, but on terms that are acceptable to you.

Absolutely this. Is she trying to make herself a victim? Where is her self awareness? She should be cringing at the realisation she has just crashed your holiday.

YANBU. The time has come to decide. Will this continue forever...? Or are you going to make some changes.

Changes will probably involve your MIL being further upset. That's OK. It will make a change from you being upset.

It will probably also involve DH having to choose between happy wife or happy Mummy. Time for him to cut the apron strings.

@ineedsomemoremetime

It doesn't sound like they are jealous.

It just sounds like they think it's ok to drop by anytime, wherever in the world you might be.

And they think this because you and DH have allowed them to. You haven't put any boundaries in place.

So now, when you try to put boundaries in place, of course they are going to feel affronted.

So, exactly how does your DH feel about all this? Does he share your feelings?

Because your DH is going to be key in changing all this. If he doesn't feel the same then it'll be much harder to enforce any boundaries you want to put in place.

It's really hard to set boundaries further on, and sometimes people won't like you for it, but you need to think about how you want to live your life and discuss with DH.

Yes it sounds intense and overbearing if it's not the sort of holiday you want to have. I wouldn't like it - all time spent together. How exhausting, NOT relaxing.
They clearly enjoy it though and probably imagine you do too.

You might well get some fireworks now, huge offence taken...drama and upset. You sound reasonable and diplomatic so I'm sure you'll handle this thoughtfully.
Calmly stick to your point. Good luck. Don't envy you. x

I'm also curious as to what your dh's thoughts on their involvement are. You don't really say, other than he thinks it's normal.
In some families it is normal...if maybe not for most.

Does he enjoy spending 24 hours a day on holiday with his parents?

Your PIL sound like nice people overall, who care about their son and family. The fact that they are quite wealthy and can afford to do what they want perhaps gives them a feeling of entitlement. Sorry I haven't read all the messages, but if he's an only child, it will feel more intense. If they have lost a child in the past, this could also add to it. Personally I would have a 1:1 chat with your MIL, making it clear how much you love them and its not personal, but sometimes you feel you need some time just as a family/ couple. The present suggestion of 1-2 pius savings in the bank is good.

Yes it is isn't it.

They are almost 'elderly' now though and DH now refers to 'we may not have them for much longer'. Good genes run in his family though and I can't live with that mentality. Could go on for another 10+ years and by then the children will be adults.

Won't be doing another joint holiday for sure but cannot see a way out of all the sodding birthdays etc.where we are a 6. Then it descends into what feels like an interrogation of our lives. Again DH is fine with this as it is normal.

Difficult to get them to leave too. It's usually midnight, even on a work night.

Anyway it's this particular holiday that has upset me so. The attraction in question only happens once a week and so they would have known we would be there. DH didn't tell them.

The shame is that we really like this country.

At home it's similar but at least they live 40 mins away. Doesn't stop them 'popping by' unannounced to drop off a random item we didn't want.

Tbh I'm feeling overly hostile now to them. I feel they've blown it.

DH explained lightly to his parents why I wasn't there and now his mum is upset and affronted.

Did he blame you entirely? Or say, "it's our family holiday and we want time alone"?

Ahh, my MIL is a bit like this, but she has the good grace (and perhaps good sense) to realise that if she pushes me too far I'll relocate the entire family to outer Mongolia and she'll never hear from us again.

(Her piece de resistance was actually locking us out of our holiday accommodation so that we'd be forced to come join them at a bar after we'd snuck some alone time in one holiday - ironically she prevented us from trying for the grandchild she desperately wanted!)

It's late to start, but you need a very firm hand with your husband in this OP. He sounds like a people pleaser, and because it's been so long, there's no reason for anyone to think that you're not ok with the arrangements.

But I'd actually go one step further and organise a surprise long weekend for just you and the kids. It sounds like you would really benefit from feeling centered for once.

Do NOT tell anyone where you're going!