In-laws holidaying close by

[ineedsomemoremetime]

I'm struggling and could do with outsider perspective. DH has his parents in reasonable health, late '70s. My parents are no longer. DH is only child (through choice). His parents have always been very close to him, overbearing so often(his childhood friends confirm this).

When I arrived on the scene over 20 years ago I was young and inexperienced and accepted their overbearing nature. Holidays together including spending all time together, all DH birthdays, their birthdays, my birthday etc. and their inquisitive nature - a high level of interest in our lives.

Our children's arrival has stepped up their attention a notch. Now more birthdays etc etc. More questions. Relentless gifts even when no occasion. All done with kindness.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. Recent holidays abroad have made me feel smothered. All meals, outings together. Talk of DH and I getting time alone but this not happening. Children getting parented by their grandparents. I'm feeling swallowed up in this family and without a role.

Now us immediate four are on holidays abroad together camping and happy. Then we get whatsapp messages that transpire the grandparents have finished their time in different European country and are now spending time in the one we are in. Then it appears they are staying 10 miles away. And today they went to a local attraction which we had talked about. Inevitably they found us. Only I had wimped out as I couldn't face it as I knew they would be there. I've been really upset about it and feel we can't even have a holiday as a family of four without them showing up. DH explained lightly to his parents why I wasn't there and now his mum is upset and affronted.

Was I unreasonable? Maybe the above is all entirely normal and I'm the oddity? As explained above they are so very kind and generous. I've just had enough of their intensity :/

@Greydays3

I agree with you.

OP's 'upset and affront' is not being given as much credence as MIL's. DH would rather upset OP than his mother.
This is one reason marriages break up.
I'd make this holiday ' the hill' I died on.

I'd remain furious and upset with DH, until he absolutely gets the message or it would change irrevocably how I felt about him constantly prioritising his parent's feelings above your (perfectly reasonable) feelings.

Turning up unannounced on your holiday is so inappropriate, it's hard to fathom the thinking process behind it.

My grandparents (dad's side) were exactly like this, and when my sister and I got to an age were we noticed things more, we saw how upset our poor mum was all the time. That led to us resenting our grandparents AND our dad for not doing anything. Maybe tell your H what he's risking?

I think you need to make super clear that you will not be caring for them, at all, in any way shape or form.
Check out the Elderly Parents board to see you future if you don't sort it out now

Well this isn't true though is it? Because you've made it clear that you're not happy with the status quo and he's making you feel that you're being difficult.

It's pathetic to say that he's caught in the middle. Sorry but it is. Any normal person would know that it's completely unreasonable to schlepp up on someone else's holiday uninvited. Also if you do arrange to go away with family members or friends the cardinal rule is that you give each other space and do some but not all things together. And yet he takes their side.

I get the ageing parents thing but it doesn't mean that you have to do everything with them. They have each other for company and there's no reason to make your family the entertainment's committee. I have several friends in their mid to late 70s - all windows/divorced - and none of them would pull that stunt or expect to be included in all family occasions.

Stand your ground and don't be guilted into playing nice and getting none of your needs met.

"What it comes down to is you'd rather upset me and have me be unhappy than your parents. You think what they want is more important than what I need. That's not right and this is how marriages die. I think we need to book couples/family counselling because our marriage is in trouble here."

Thanks everyone. I'm reading every single comment and re reading the entire thread.

I'm so relieved my feelings are reasonable.

The WhatsApp messages keep arriving about future stuff. I can't even face reading them until I physce myself up. I'm contemplating leaving their small family WhatsApp group for a while but I know it will result in tears and apologies and big bunches of flowers and more sodding gifts, and it will carry on as before.

Everyone except you? Because that’s basically what he’s saying. As long as his parents are happy, then you don’t matter? Things need to change, he needs to understand that you don’t want them to be involved in every occasion. I’d say for the next event eg holiday, you clarify at the start that you don’t want your pil involved.

Archive the chat so you don’t see messages.

If leaving feels too nuclear (although personally I'd go nuclear) can you mute and archive it for now, so you aren't seeing the messages at least? Give yourself some space from them.
Or could you find a message you feel comfortable sending, that makes it clear how upset/ angry you are and that now is not the time to be discussing future plans. Tell them that when you are back from your hijacked holiday you would like to discuss what has happened and what will be happening going forwards.
It might result in tears but why are you prioritising their upset above your own? Frankly they need to know how much their deranged behaviour is affecting you.

OP, I sympathise with both of you. As another poster said, you are extremes of family dynamics. For birthdays I would separate out the celebrations. Go to visit them for one celebration, but have a small nuclear family celebration as well.
On holidays, I'd remind your DH that just as his parents are getting older, so are your children and you want to make memories with them on family holidays. You can have days out at home maybe with his arenas, but save the big holidays for time together for you to spend as a couple and with your children. You won't get this time back, and much as you can appreciate his parents' love and support you also need to have time to enjoy him without them. They shouldn't be an integral part of your marriage

YADNBU!!
Your partner sounds codependent and his parents have no boundaries. It’s not acceptable in the least. Honestly, I’d end it and let him deal with them on his own. He needs to firstly be made very aware of the effect this is having on you to let him set a boundary. This will only get worse without a line being drawn. Good luck but if it was me I’d get out.

*parents not arenas !

I think you should reply and say you dont feel like discussing future plans.

If its your birthday don't celebrate with them.

Why is it that people prone to floods of tears always get to stomp all over everyone else's wishes?

Agree with going nuclear. It's the best way to get their attention that you are serious. Leave the WhatsApp group. Refuse all apologies, gifts, tears etc until there is an understanding that this level of enmeshment is unhealthy for everyone and especially your marriage.

I agree that the best option is to go nuclear and tear off the band-aid. Unfortunately you will have to go through the tears and anger and upset to get to the other side of this.

The alternative is the mute the chat group and stop responding and let your DH deal with them but be firm to him about what you will and will not allow.

My view is the longer this continues to happen, the more time you lose to be yourself with your core family and the more the resentment will build. Unfortunately your DH is I willing to stand up to his parents and priorities keeping them happy.

This happens in a family with a patriarch usually the mother and the adult son is unable to stand up to her or push back. Deep down he probably knows what's going on is wrong but he is so used to it and is able to stand up to her that he would rather upset you than his mother.

Goodluck, you really need it.

I can't believe they're messaging about future plans. Do they not realise they've overstepped with the holiday? I'd probably blow up at them but I don't think that's necessarily the smart thing to do... I'm angry for you OP

Archive the whatsapp chat, and book your next holiday saying you're going to Madrid. But book yours in Madeira..

To be honest OP I would go nuclear. Discuss Booking an appointment with a lawyer for when you return. Or counselling to help DH stand up to them.

i would write a list of what I could deal with. Give it to DH and say it is this or divorce.

tell him to stuff his’ won’t have them forever’ bullshit. You could
be hit by a bus tomorrow.

enjoy life - it is later than you think.

they are using you to live their lives again.

and start selling the gifts or give to a charity shop yhay they don’t support

They were out of order gate crashing your family holiday. A conversation needs to be had about boundaries.

However, I find some of these posts encouraging you to leave your husband and break up your family, a ridiculous over reaction.

I find alot of people on mumsnet think once you're an adult you should have nothing to do with your family (parents/siblings). Grand parents celebrating a grandchild's birthday is perfectly reasonable. And I do wonder if your own parents were still alive would you have a problem with them being around? Probably not.

Demanding your husband see his parents less or you'll divorce him is controlling and abusive. However there is a compromise that could happen. Suggest he see them on X day every week/month and he can bring the children with him. That way they get their time together and you can have a break.

Hes entitled to have a relationship with his parents and youre entitled to keep your distance. You have to find a middle ground otherwise he will end up resenting you, just like you resent him now.

@InBedBy10
We must be reading different OP threads. Nowhere have I read that the OP wants her DH to see his parents less 🤷‍♀️
DH can do as he likes but doesn't have to involve OP.

'They are almost 'elderly' now though and DH now refers to 'we may not have them for much longer'. Good genes run in his family though and I can't live with that mentality. Could go on for another 10+ years and by then the children will be adults.'

The well off older people I know are pretty sprightly in their late 80s and beyond. This makes me feel quite angry on your behalf, what's the plan? Spend every family occasion with them for the next twenty years and then take over caring for them?

You are really not in the wrong here at all and I would start with sending DH and the children if they want to go to whatever the next occasion is. I stopped going to my in laws every time DH went once my children weren't small. I liked them very much but they weren't my parents and DH was more than capable of parenting without me there.

The irony is that I have a few chronic conditions myself. It well may be me that goes first.

As a previous poster said we don't know how long we have until our time is up.

I've had another go at DH. He promises he'll speak to him. I'm not holding my breath.

*to them

You need to sit them down and in as loving way as possible, set boundaries and explain that there's going to be small changes in the future.

Couldn't agree more!

Going from seeing them frequently, and going away with them (deliberately), to contacting a lawyer, leaving her husband or banning the in laws from thr house permanently, isn't just the nuclear option, its batshit.

Seeing then for birthdays IS normal. Secretly joining in their holiday isn't, but is easily avoidable.

What I don't get from the OPs posts is a indication of how often they are around normally. If it's multiple times a week, and expecting the OP to fully engage with that - too much. If its a few times a month then thats normal surely?

It also didn't sound like the OP has gently tried to put boundaries in place/expressed any dissatisfaction to her in laws. It may be that a bit of gentle backing off will give the OP enough space. Equally it's ok to say that 'We're going out for a little family dinner, just the 4 of us'. It's certainly possible to put in some boundaries, so you don't have to spend as much time with them, whilst not impeding the time the rest of your family spends with them, which they clearly enjoy.