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AIBU?

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Original poster

In-laws holidaying close by

163 replies

ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:25

I'm struggling and could do with outsider perspective. DH has his parents in reasonable health, late '70s. My parents are no longer. DH is only child (through choice). His parents have always been very close to him, overbearing so often(his childhood friends confirm this).

When I arrived on the scene over 20 years ago I was young and inexperienced and accepted their overbearing nature. Holidays together including spending all time together, all DH birthdays, their birthdays, my birthday etc. and their inquisitive nature - a high level of interest in our lives.

Our children's arrival has stepped up their attention a notch. Now more birthdays etc etc. More questions. Relentless gifts even when no occasion. All done with kindness.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. Recent holidays abroad have made me feel smothered. All meals, outings together. Talk of DH and I getting time alone but this not happening. Children getting parented by their grandparents. I'm feeling swallowed up in this family and without a role.

Now us immediate four are on holidays abroad together camping and happy. Then we get whatsapp messages that transpire the grandparents have finished their time in different European country and are now spending time in the one we are in. Then it appears they are staying 10 miles away. And today they went to a local attraction which we had talked about. Inevitably they found us. Only I had wimped out as I couldn't face it as I knew they would be there. I've been really upset about it and feel we can't even have a holiday as a family of four without them showing up. DH explained lightly to his parents why I wasn't there and now his mum is upset and affronted.

Was I unreasonable? Maybe the above is all entirely normal and I'm the oddity? As explained above they are so very kind and generous. I've just had enough of their intensity :/

OP posts:
Skibidy · 01/09/2024 18:10

I get what your saying op and you are not being unreasonable. Its kind of embarrassing on their behalf that they cant see what they are doing is awkward! All you can do is not be so open with them about where you are going, or tell them your holidaying in one area, eg scotland and go off on your actual holiday. I understand what your saying about the “holiday is not yours anymore”. Id be really annoyed too. If they ask about why you werent there next time you see them, tell them the truth. Its overstepping the boundaries.

ilovebagpuss · 01/09/2024 18:11

This sounds suffocating, even if they are generally nice kind people it is too much.
They are basically in your life living it with you and probably see you and the children as the extension of their only child and obsession.
You will need to be serious with DH about how unhappy it is making you.
Doesn't need ugly confrontation you just refuse some meet ups and birthdays with plausible reasons and just don't interact as much on the chat.
Don't tell them as much about your life and plans.
Just slow it all down. Meet up for DH's birthday by all means but for yours and the kids don't always be available. I'm not saying they don't see them or drop in with a present but it sounds like a mini christmas event every birthday.
We had a similar holiday hi-jack once when in laws said they would join us for a few days in a cottage near where we were camping (few days lovely) and they booked the whole week and so it basically became a joint holiday.

amccabe15 · 01/09/2024 18:16

Your DH needs to grow a pair. He’s not their child any more and needs to loosen those apron strings! I sat this as a MiL

NewName24 · 01/09/2024 18:19

I suspect the parents (who are clearly not great at reading boundaries), who have only had the dh's watered down explanation, really have no idea aboout how angry you are @ineedsomemoremetime , and just how much they have upset you.

Use the WhatsApp group / the messages about future plans to make it clear.

I'd put something like 'I am so angry at the moment about the fact that you have followed us on holiday and intruded into the little family time we have just the four of us that I can't respond to any more messages here, so am going to leave the group.

I do think they need to get some perception of just how (rightly) angry you are, from you, as your dh won't say that at all, and anything he does say will be filtered, or watered down.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/09/2024 18:49

I wouldn't leave the WhatsApp group - but if you mute it, you'll still get the messages, you just won't get the notifications of the messages. If you decide to read them or not, is entirely up to you but they don't get to see that "@ineedsomemoremetime has left the group" on their screens.

As you've raised it now a few times with your DH, I'd leave it for the next few days and see what happens. I don't think you'll achieve anything more immediately anyway.

Give yourselves a few days to see what happens next. If you're stronger together, you can get through this, set up reasonable boundaries that won't be trampled on and, all going well, be able to have some sort of respectful relationship with the inlaws going forwards.

JumboTrudgeon · 01/09/2024 18:56

He clearly doesn't want to keep everyone happy.

You're his wife, you're not happy. He wants to keep his parents happy.

I've been in this situation and I've reminded him that I'm absolutely not happy with the dynamic. And I'm capable of removing myself if I wish.

cityonahill · 01/09/2024 19:13

I feel how frustrating this can be. I have overbearing in-laws too. Space is the best medicine. First stop second guessing yourself and checking to see if you are being fair to anyone. You are. You are normal and you are not crazy to be feeling the way you are feeling. It’s a suffocating situation and it’s ok to want out. Next is you are not being unreasonable at all but DH was very unreasonable to throw you under the bus like that. At this stage it may be difficult to stop the BS but you can find solace in doing more of things you enjoy. As everyone is being ‘nice’, nicely extricate yourself from any situation that you feel you may not like. Spend reasonable time with them but take time for yourself when you need to and don’t feel guilty about it. DH and DC’s will come round eventually. This is what I did. It starts with you deciding what you want for you. You can’t control their holiday time, but you can control yours. Little boundaries here and there. Be very sweet about it. Everyone will be ok eventually. If you continue this way, YOU will not be ok.

Amberjane41 · 01/09/2024 19:15

What did you DH say to them? This may be a good thing because at least they know you are upset now. The ball is in their court to apologise

RandomMess · 01/09/2024 19:15

Did DH do everything with his grandparents as well as his parents when he was a child?

LittleOwl153 · 01/09/2024 19:25

I think I'd have to put on the WhatsApp group "we'll see you at X for Xs birthday next week, enjoy the rest of your trip". And then mute the group till you get home. But I can be blunt!
Do not allow your husband to keep them happy at your expense. This is your holiday too.

pasta · 01/09/2024 19:26

cityonahill · 01/09/2024 19:13

I feel how frustrating this can be. I have overbearing in-laws too. Space is the best medicine. First stop second guessing yourself and checking to see if you are being fair to anyone. You are. You are normal and you are not crazy to be feeling the way you are feeling. It’s a suffocating situation and it’s ok to want out. Next is you are not being unreasonable at all but DH was very unreasonable to throw you under the bus like that. At this stage it may be difficult to stop the BS but you can find solace in doing more of things you enjoy. As everyone is being ‘nice’, nicely extricate yourself from any situation that you feel you may not like. Spend reasonable time with them but take time for yourself when you need to and don’t feel guilty about it. DH and DC’s will come round eventually. This is what I did. It starts with you deciding what you want for you. You can’t control their holiday time, but you can control yours. Little boundaries here and there. Be very sweet about it. Everyone will be ok eventually. If you continue this way, YOU will not be ok.

@cityonahill put it better than I did. You actually hold quite a lot of the cards here and you can nicely and politely withdraw and set new boundaries. There is no reason at all that you should stay up to midnight just because they want to, to state a very obvious one.

Skibidy · 01/09/2024 19:47

Do you think they are expecting you all to join up now on this holiday? Spend the rest of the time in each others pockets?

floridaidea · 01/09/2024 20:40

Are they wanting to meet up every day now for the rest of your holiday OP? Oh surely not 🤦‍♀️😭

I bet your MIL didn't spend all this time in her own MIL's company. It's usually the overbearing ILs who didn't actually get on with their own ILs !!

Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 01/09/2024 21:47

Skibidy · 01/09/2024 19:47

Do you think they are expecting you all to join up now on this holiday? Spend the rest of the time in each others pockets?

No, they have gone now. I haven't seen them.

Thansk for all the range of advice everyone. Food for thought.

I'm very relieved that I'm not unreasonable for feeling so suffocated.

I hope when they reflect and see that I'm no longer participating in whatsapp that they will understand. And when DH speaks to them. I do think they are genuinely kind people but they do not have respect for our family of four as a family unit. That is clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 01/09/2024 21:48

floridaidea · 01/09/2024 20:40

Are they wanting to meet up every day now for the rest of your holiday OP? Oh surely not 🤦‍♀️😭

I bet your MIL didn't spend all this time in her own MIL's company. It's usually the overbearing ILs who didn't actually get on with their own ILs !!

I think they often took their mothers with them on holidays as they were both widowed young. I didn't get the suffocating impression from either though. They both have passed away now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 01/09/2024 21:49

Amberjane41 · 01/09/2024 19:15

What did you DH say to them? This may be a good thing because at least they know you are upset now. The ball is in their court to apologise

He said that we were expecting our holiday to be for us four and that I was upset.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 01/09/2024 21:49

How often do you see them aside from holidays?

Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 01/09/2024 21:56

Babyboomtastic · 01/09/2024 21:49

How often do you see them aside from holidays?

Most weeks.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2024 22:04

ineedsomemoremetime · 01/09/2024 21:49

He said that we were expecting our holiday to be for us four and that I was upset.

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So he threw you under the bus by blaming you as the one who is upset. Perfect.

CatMummyOf3 · 01/09/2024 22:12

You are definitely not being unreasonable, I can't even imagine how overwhelming it must feel. Your IL's gatecrashing your holiday is just so wrong.

You mentioned in one of your posts that your DH feels caught in the middle and just wants to make everyone happy. He can't. He has to decide whether to support his wife or continue to allow his parents to control him. There is no easy option for him so he needs to grow a pair and set some boundaries now.

I hope you managed to enjoy the remainder of your holiday 💐

VWT5 · 01/09/2024 22:30

I would begin to assert my boundaries (and their own expectations) by stealth. I would agree with DH for starters that having first had a conversation with them, he would in time be “taking me away” for my birthday/ and anniversary / and any other dates I wanted. Asking grandparents to have the children at their home / or your home if it suits.

I would be building on that and making more opportunities - “we are taking DS to a theme park as a secret birthday surprise weekend”. Not saying which one, as “we want it to be a secret” then taking DD away to some other “special weekend”….

DH can tell them later he is taking you away “for a surprise Christmas break” and so on.

Really feel for you, having lived through similar where doing something the once just created ongoing family expectations, and deep resentment that is hard to overcome.

InBedBy10 · 01/09/2024 22:42

ineedsomemoremetime · 01/09/2024 21:56

Most weeks.

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Literally everyone I know sees their parents at least once a week. Only on mumsnet this is seen as a problem 🙄but only if it's the in laws of course 😉

I do wonder how these key board warriors will feel when their children grow up and want nothing to do with them.

Like I said, they crossed the line gate crashing your holiday but it sounds like your DH made that clear and they're gone now. Enjoy the rest of your holiday and set boundaries when you get home. But remember, your DH is not wrong for wanting to have a close relationship with his parents.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 01/09/2024 22:46

ineedsomemoremetime · 31/08/2024 21:09

We've been having discussions today. He gets upset and says it's difficult being in the middle and he just wants everyone happy.

He keeps on reminding me that they are getting on in age etc.etc.

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I’d remind him that any of you could get ill or be hit by a bus any time. It’s not an excuse.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 01/09/2024 22:47

InBedBy10 · 01/09/2024 22:42

Literally everyone I know sees their parents at least once a week. Only on mumsnet this is seen as a problem 🙄but only if it's the in laws of course 😉

I do wonder how these key board warriors will feel when their children grow up and want nothing to do with them.

Like I said, they crossed the line gate crashing your holiday but it sounds like your DH made that clear and they're gone now. Enjoy the rest of your holiday and set boundaries when you get home. But remember, your DH is not wrong for wanting to have a close relationship with his parents.

Show quote history

Umm I am very close to my mum and see her every week. It is very different when it’s choice and not being stalked on your little family holiday - which she would never!

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 01/09/2024 22:59

You need to have a conversation with your husband about boundaries to agree where to set them, then have the same conversation with the in-laws. For example his birthday yes if he wants it that way, yours no, theirs maybe. At least every other holiday without them and that means no randomly turning up uninvited. Point out that if they cannot follow boundaries like not turning up because they know you will be there, that your husband needs to make sure he doesn't tell them things as it's suffocating.