In-laws holidaying close by

[ineedsomemoremetime]

I'm struggling and could do with outsider perspective. DH has his parents in reasonable health, late '70s. My parents are no longer. DH is only child (through choice). His parents have always been very close to him, overbearing so often(his childhood friends confirm this).

When I arrived on the scene over 20 years ago I was young and inexperienced and accepted their overbearing nature. Holidays together including spending all time together, all DH birthdays, their birthdays, my birthday etc. and their inquisitive nature - a high level of interest in our lives.

Our children's arrival has stepped up their attention a notch. Now more birthdays etc etc. More questions. Relentless gifts even when no occasion. All done with kindness.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. Recent holidays abroad have made me feel smothered. All meals, outings together. Talk of DH and I getting time alone but this not happening. Children getting parented by their grandparents. I'm feeling swallowed up in this family and without a role.

Now us immediate four are on holidays abroad together camping and happy. Then we get whatsapp messages that transpire the grandparents have finished their time in different European country and are now spending time in the one we are in. Then it appears they are staying 10 miles away. And today they went to a local attraction which we had talked about. Inevitably they found us. Only I had wimped out as I couldn't face it as I knew they would be there. I've been really upset about it and feel we can't even have a holiday as a family of four without them showing up. DH explained lightly to his parents why I wasn't there and now his mum is upset and affronted.

Was I unreasonable? Maybe the above is all entirely normal and I'm the oddity? As explained above they are so very kind and generous. I've just had enough of their intensity :/

Oh lord that brings back a horrendous memory of the first and LAST holiday with the in-laws. We were close to the beach and he didn’t like the waves. Told mil to not take him into the water, just let him watch and do it in his own time. Oh no she knew best, and took him into the sea. Never got him anywhere near the beach again for the rest of the holiday. They were lovely people but dh was an only, whereas I’m one of four, had to work hard to keep them away and not smothering us.

If you don't mind sharing, how was that received when you did it?

Ah ok. So not daily etc then.

Most weeks sounds pretty normal (holiday gatecrashing aside).

Definitely try to put some boundary in place re holiday (just don't tell them or be vague), but the regular contact is pretty average.

When we were first married, in-laws, plus childless aunt and uncle, turned up on our doorstep, an hour away from their home. H had gone to football. They stayed until he got back. Following week, same thing happened. Third week I was putting my coat on when they knocked, and said sorry it’s inconvenient, I’m off out. Carried on doing that every time they turned up unannounced. Took about two months for the message to get through.

They were hugely miffed that I wouldn’t let them stay in the house to wait for H, or that they couldn’t come with me to wherever I was going. Just so entitled. Drove me insane.

I was in this situation with my DH's parents. It was soooo suffocating and DP (now my DH) was incapable of standing up to them. Like you, I was expected to spend my birthdays with them. DP's sisters would harass him if we hadn't seen his parents recently (no doubt because his parents complained to them).

It got to the point I stopped answering the phone because I couldn't cope with having to come up with on the hoof excuses for the next 'family' get together. 29 years later I still don't answer the phone.

But it came to a head when my parents came to visit me (from another country) and my DF was in very low spirits. DP's parents phoned every single day badgering to meet up with them - getting angry with DP. DP and I were just boyfriend and girlfriend then - and my parents found the whole thing weird and too much. But my whole family tolerated an awkward get together that none of us wanted to be at because DP was so incapable of dealing with it and so obviously miserable.

I absolutely lost it. I realised DP was incapable of being sensible about it so I said I would only l, from then on, see his parents once every two months, and the rest of the visits were his burden alone. Never ever would I spend my birthday with them again and I didn't care what he told them.

When DC came along, we spent their birthdays as our family unit, then had a second more casual get together for the rest of the family. I refused to see them until I was ready to after the DC were born. I told my DH I didn't want to know about their demands, or how they felt about my decisions . It was his problem to deal with and I insisted on being kept oblivious of it all. His family; his issue.

Honestly, if FIL hadn't died, and MIL didn't develop dementia, and the behaviour had continued, I'm not sure my marriage would have survived it. It is soooooo hard.

And, OP, if they had popped into a family holiday abroad, like yours had, I'd have gone crazy.

Get off the WhatsApp chat so you can't be involved in plans at all. That's DH's problem. Tell your DH the limits of the time you will share with them, then he deals with it. Tell him you're not interested in the politics it might generate. Again, his problem. Warn him if he 'blames' you then it will create even bigger issues in the family that will make things worse and which HE will have to fix. By himself. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

You married your DH. You did not marry his parents. He might not mind them around but you do - whether he thinks that's unreasonable or not is completely irrelevant. If he wants to spend all his time with his parents, let him, but make sure he understands that could impact n your marriage. His choice. The alternative is he is asking you to accept something that is making you stressed and miserable - I.e. putting their unreasonable demands ahead of your mental health. That is not OK.

It sounds like this little stalking venture is your watershed moment. Ask your DH to read this thread. It is possible he is clueless about the level of damage being done, by you being denied space to breathe and live life privately and on your own terms.

Good luck. I know how horrendous it is. But you are not a mean person for feeling this way. No matter how nice they are, they cannot relentlessly piggyback on your life without it at some point becoming too much to cope with. Your DH needs to know this.

Do not allow whichever of them needs care to move close to you, unless your dh is prepared to take on their care. It is not your responsibility. Having been through this myself it was absolute misery. I had two children at school, my daughter’s horse to be dealt with daily, a full time job, and my mil expected me to do her shopping, take her to appointments and entertain her. Did not happen, H worked long hours with an hours commute each way and would see her at weekends for a quick visit. It was so tough, but we stayed strong and supported each other. I hope it works out for you.

DH is a pacifist and will do anything to avoid confrontation.
DH cares more about his mother's feelings than he does about yours.

Fixed it for you @ineedsomemoremetime

Until you have a serious chat with him, you won't know if the marriage is salvageable.

Just to add ... now my PIL are no longer suffocating me, my relationship with DH's siblings has normalised. I will even take the DC to visit them when he is not around, and I will enjoy their company. I will go out with SIL on my own and enjoy time with her. That wasn't possible when his parents were dominating, controlling, guilt tripping and just being a total bloody nightmare.

@ineedsomemoremetime you are generously trying to keep finding a reason as to why they may have showed up. Seems very clear to anyone who is being objective that as people who have money to spend on travelling that they could have chosen ANYWHERE in the world to be on holiday, but they picked the one place that you were with your family and showed up at a local attraction that had been mentioned in passing?

They are either kinda creepy with no sense of boundaries… Or, could your DH have casually suggested to them that they could rock up?

You’re mature now. Why can’t you say yes to the things you want to do with ils and no to the things you don’t. Look them in the eye and tell them your holiday is private and they are not to show up. You’ll tell them all about it when you get back from your vacation. When they visit, show them to the door when it’s time for them to leave and remind them that you have work tomorrow. Tell them you would prefer not to spoil the children with so many gifts that they haven’t earned. You’re trying to build character. Be more direct, with a smile. They’re not babies and they’re not fragile, your in-laws that is. They just like having their own way. They got to raise their one child, now you get to raise yours. Good luck to you!

I think you are being precious. Be grateful. Imagine you are in an Italian or Greek family where this would be welcomed. Wives tend to be so possessive nowadays. Extended families are good. Change your mindset. And it’s good for your kids. You are all very lucky.

There is nothing precious about choosing who you want to spend your spare time with @Noononoo. Or in finding it really upsetting and creepy when your holiday gets hijacked. And there is nothing lucky about people trying to impose a life you don't want on you. I wouldn't feel lucky if I felt suffocated like this.
If you want that big emeshed family life then you embrace that, OP doesn't and that's completely fine.

I had overbearing now ex in laws, Fil was in his forties when he had children and had brought his kids up on his own as his wife did a bunk when the kids were small. He couldn’t handle it when his kids became adults and moved away but when I and sil was were both pregnant with our first children he retired and moved to be closer to us all. He made his life all about the gc, his daughter loved it but I felt stifled and it cause no end of problems between us all.

When my daughters gave birth to their own dc I had expectations I would be invited to both births and got told firmly it wasn’t going to happen. I admit I was and did feel disappointed but it was how they wanted it and I respected their boundaries. I wasn’t the one giving birth and it was an intimate moment for them and partner's. Had I railed against it I would have caused unnecessary stress and resentment for them but they are not me they are their own persons.

I would tell Mil how much you love both her and Fil but you need space as a family to go on holiday etc without them. Like me they have the choice to accept it or rail against it and cause problems, they have to step back and respect you and dh’s right to time with your children alone.