To be so over my tight, selfish DH every birthday

[IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise]

I turned 57 yesterday. Birthday was a text from husband saying sorry for using last of milk, whoops happy birthday, kids up late, a card eventually. No card from DH, bottle of Lidl wine and a bunch of flowers. Booked dinner out for tonight but cancelled because DH work, rebooked for tomorrow, having had ‘well, I’m not bothered, but if YOU REALLY WANT TO’.

FB scrolling tonight I see a string quartet Coldplay concert by candlelight, not too far away, in an old priory, say ‘ooh, I’ve found a birthday pressy’ and his response was ‘hmph, not my sort of thing’..then ‘what, instead of dinner? What did you get me?’ (30 yr old scotch, dinner out with wine and a book actually’.

I fucking love Coldplay but will ever be able to afford to see them live, I thought this would be a lovely evening and cheapest tickets are £21 each.

Am I being stupid and unreasonable to just fucking want to be spoilt for one fucking birthday? My family have always been hard up so I’ve not had one birthday where it feels like a celebration.

I know this is first world problems, but am I being unreasonable to want to feel the centre of the world for ONE day?

My Birthday last week and I got even less, worked all day, picked a few things off Amazon I wanted, he did manage a card this year but its taken 25 yrs for him to realise I consider that a minimum.

Had I been home I would have come with you but I sorted myself out came down to see DD at Uni and an Auntie in Tunbridge Wells. Lord only knows when I will get home as trains seem to be fubared this weekend.

Sorry haven’t read any replies or updates & i wasn’t going to comment but i accidentally pressed YABU & just wanted to say i agree with majority of voters & you most definitely aren’t being unreasonable - your DH sounds shit

My dh is great in most ways but tone deaf in regards to gifts. Tbf, his family would genuinely gift each other a box of Maltesers on big Occasions and be delighted by it.
I now, after many years, do much less for his bday/Father's day etc. I plan what will make me happy for mine and invite him along. This year I booked a gig and a hotel.
You got a choice
He isn't going to change. Ruining every birthday because of it ....you've only got so many left.

I think you can change your vote but not certain as I'm on the app

OP please go! I've been to one of these (but not Coldplay themed) and they are amazing, the atmosphere and the music are magic. Your DH sounds miserable

Hi all, thanks for the supportive messages. He is a twat. A lot of the time, and I think once my kids are settled I will go it alone. Youngest starts uni in Sept, eldest is autistic and needs me as her life buddy!

We were going out for dinner, last night. As he had to go to work early (v early) I cancelled it as he would be knackered. Rebooked for tonight. (Me booking it, obvs). And using a 20% off offer! We aren’t hard up. He is tight, but not with himself. It’s a vile trait. He is not from the UK originally, and celebrations there are very different, but for goodness sake, why not put someone else first once a fucking year?!

I’m cancelling dinner tonight, no desire to be out with someone who isn’t there because they’re thinking of me. I’m going to take myself to the big shopping place near us and maybe have lunch. I haven’t really got friends as such. I’m chatty and confident at work but find people draining generally so don’t have close friends, or friends that aren’t tied up with their own families etc. I’m either rubbish at keeping in touch or reluctant to spend time with other people outside work.

i’m still pondering the Candlelight thing, when I watch Coldplay gigs on tv or listen to them while cooking I do get a bit loud and singy so not sure about the concert!

Thanks again. Xxxx

YANBU to want to be treated on your birthday. Your ‘D’H is an arsehole for treating you so badly. I’ve never been thin but DH has always made an effort on my birthday regardless of age or dress size.

I do thinks it’s unreasonable to expect someone to go to an event they would hate though. Is there something you could both enjoy or a friend you could go with? I often get concert tickets for DH and vice versa but there are bands that only one of us likes and I’d never expect him to suffer a concert he doesn’t like. It’s not fun for anyone going to an event where the other person isn’t in to it.

This!!!!! ⬆️ Have you got a friend who will go with you? I'd 100% book it & tell him what a prick he is.

Make some friends. They can't possibly be as draining or as dull as your DH.

Go!! Take one of your children? Or go alone? Who cares if you sing loudly? Enjoy yourself. And ditch your arsehole husband.

Actually it’s not necessarily appropriate to sing along to a string quartet unless they request it. If you do, the other customers might complain and you may be asked to leave.

Book yourself a ticket, give yourself a makeover & buy a new outfit & go to the concert. Hopefully, you will meet someone there who will value you & treat you properly. Your dh sounds like a misery & would be the first one to moan if you didn't treat him on his birthday. I would be looking at binning him off asap.

Came to say the same thing.
Singing along to radio or filmed concerts by yourself isn't the same atmosphere as sitting in an orchestra concert. Noone else will be singing in the audience, that doesn't mean you won't enjoy it. It's just a different experience.

I hope you have booked the ticket, OP.

OP go to the concert alone. It will be wonderful for you and you deserve it. I've been to the Fever Candlelight ones playing Fleetwood Mac Aretha Frankin and Queen and they were all brilliant xx

Well, I’d imagine other concert goers might object to someone singing loudly along to a string quartet!

@tuvamoodyson I thought the same but they were encouraging people to sing and join in at the one I went to.

He sounds like a selfìsh sod! Book yourself a ticket and go and enjoy yourself. Bollocks to his birthdays from now on!

He's a narcissist like my husband. I have to organise my own birthday treats.

@IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise Mine was like this for birthdays , valentines, anniversary and xmas for 20 odd year seperated 3 yr best pressent ever kids are 24 and 19 and do get me birthday and xmas now im happy with a bar of choc and cheapish wine concert tickets go your self i always did he was never interested now my boys go with me , me and my 19 yr old are going to queen by candle light and the 3 of us are going to queen extraveganza next yr as for your Dh stop buying i did for mine he never apprecited it

YANBU. My husband isn’t much different. What I do is do my own thing now. If I see something I get it, if there’s something I want to do, I do it. If there’s somewhere I want to go, I go. It’s very liberating :)

@IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise yours sounds like mine and he's not from here but been here 25 yr go see coldplay im going to a queen one with my 19 yr old in october

I sympathise, my partner of 19 years is the same. It’s no different on big birthdays either☹️

I am so pleased with these responses. I thought it might be one of those threads where people say that adults should not celebrate their birthdays.

I have celebrated every birthday whether it is my 27th or 53rd. It is about being valued by your partner. And he knows that you wanted something special but made zero effort.

You would be better off alone. You deserve far better. I can tell. And happy birthday!

What a selfish lazy git.

Sorry OP 💐
Seems to me if you want a nice birthday, do it yourself.
Book yourself that Coldplay ticket, Spa and dinner for one. Buy yourself some beautiful flowers and something nice that you’d really like. Do it in mind with everyone from mumsnet thinking of you 💜💐

Happy birthday 💜💜💐💐

Just going to say- I love a concert on my own. I can enjoy it without feeling judged for my taste in music. Last one was a month ago, short notice, so, so worth it and I treated myself to dinner too. I vote do it. Take a book if you feel you might want a crutch, don’t feel you have to talk to anyone- but equally I end up chatting to all sorts of people. So enjoyable I actually think it’s the way forward for me. I hope you go for it. Xx