To be so over my tight, selfish DH every birthday

[IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise]

I turned 57 yesterday. Birthday was a text from husband saying sorry for using last of milk, whoops happy birthday, kids up late, a card eventually. No card from DH, bottle of Lidl wine and a bunch of flowers. Booked dinner out for tonight but cancelled because DH work, rebooked for tomorrow, having had ‘well, I’m not bothered, but if YOU REALLY WANT TO’.

FB scrolling tonight I see a string quartet Coldplay concert by candlelight, not too far away, in an old priory, say ‘ooh, I’ve found a birthday pressy’ and his response was ‘hmph, not my sort of thing’..then ‘what, instead of dinner? What did you get me?’ (30 yr old scotch, dinner out with wine and a book actually’.

I fucking love Coldplay but will ever be able to afford to see them live, I thought this would be a lovely evening and cheapest tickets are £21 each.

Am I being stupid and unreasonable to just fucking want to be spoilt for one fucking birthday? My family have always been hard up so I’ve not had one birthday where it feels like a celebration.

I know this is first world problems, but am I being unreasonable to want to feel the centre of the world for ONE day?

Book two tickets and take a friend (or go by yourself). Has he always been like this? Why are you with him, I ask honestly, he doesn't seem like he gives much of a shit

Defo not unreasonable imo. Get yourself there, and have a fab night!
I’m sorry DH isn’t able to stretch to giving you a little bit of a celebration jus once every year 😔 That’s sad, but unfortunately probably pretty common too.
Still, no reason why YOU can’t enjoy yourself!
Happy birthday! I hope you make it a good one and celebrate in style. 😊🥂🎂

Has he always been this rubbish? You deserve so much better from him, and from your kids who are old enough to know it's your birthday and buy you a present

Go to the concert on your own and think about whether this is what you want next birthday or if you'd rather be alone enjoying your life

how many years have you been extravagant/made an effort on his birthday in return for zero effort on yours? YABU if its more than two.

Concert is touring - on at Southwark cathedral later in the year.

You know it’s time to meet his birthday with the same lack of enthusiasm.
”Oh, sorry I ate all the eggs and bread last night. Don’t wake me this morning. I’m knackered. Get yourself some on your way home from work. Will get the kids to draw you a card or something. Happy birthday. “

And this is one of the reasons I divorced. Birthdays are so much better now I just do what I want to do and remove the disappointment
book the single ticket, go and have a lovely time

If your marriage is otherwise happy, just rethink how you approach birthdays. Buy yourself a nice present, take yourself out somewhere you want to go and book yourself a nice meal and a hotel. Think of it as a mini break for some alone time.

If this is representative of how he treats you in general, consider if you want this life.

I agree with everyone else.

Go to the concert.
Stop putting any effort into his birthday. Don’t make dinner for him tell him dinner is what ever he wants to cook. Don’t buy him anything special just a bog standard box of chocolates and a few cans of beer. No card, no saying happy birthday , no going out with him.
Tell him you are tired and take yourself off to bed. No effort.
He clearly thinks very little about you.
Don't you have a friend to take to the concert?

Tell him that his lack of care and tightness makes you hate him. Be really clear.

Being poor is no excuse not to celebrate a partner's birthday. What an arse of a partner you have.

When is the concert? I live not far away.

My DH forgot buy me a birthday present a few years ago. I shamed him on mumsnet! He hasn't forgotten since.

My husband's family are not big present buyers or card senders, mine are tight.
When I met him he'd never had a birthday party. I threw one the following year with jelly and me as a clown. Perhaps that's behind your husband's behaviour?

I go to lunch with friends now when my birthday comes around. It's easier. The DH buys flowers, cake and a gift. Nothing massive but I appreciate a good book.

Lidl flowers are a step too far. I expect at least Marks.

Your dc are old enough that you could do something nice with them instead.

Ditch him for the day, and do something nice with your dc. And stop making an effort for his birthday.

The honest truth is that some of us don't care about birthdays. I never have, and didn't actually like it when dh made a fuss about mine. I reciprocated out of duty, but am much happier now we have agreed to not do anything for them any more.

Your dh may be the same.

The point, though, is that she clearly does want to celebrate. It's not his choice. It's about doing something for someone else. Putting yourself out for another?!

He sounds very selfish and I am sorry you didn't have a great birthday. But please.stop relying on him for something he clearly going to deliver. Get a ticket for yourself and go, do.some stuff for you - it's not what you envisaged from marriage but you'll be living and enjoying life rather expecting something from someone who clearly won't come up with the goods.

You sound great 😄

Happy birthday OP 💐 I agree with others - no effort for him on his birthday - use the money you would have spent, on yourself, and the energy making his favourite dinner on yours instead - better yet eat out if you can afford to - without him!

I would go to the concert on my own.

And have time to think about whether you are spending your life the way you want to.

Book yourself a ticket, a night in a Premier Inn and enjoy yourself. From now on don't bother with his birthday and just spend your birthday doing what you want and it'll be cheaper as you only need one of everything.

Up to you whether you want to continue a relationship with him if he is so thoughtless in other areas too, your children are grown if you want a different life now's the time to change it

My Ex-H was like this so I absolutely empathise.

So something for yourself. He has already told you it's not his kind of thing (not that it should matter, but he is obviously a selfish prick) so take yourself. Make this the start of you doing things for you. Celebrate yourself.

Also, if the concert is one of the Fever Concerts by Candlelight, we went to a Taylor Swift one and it was awesome, so definitely go!

just book your own nights out with friends.

YANBU. You have been clear in what you want which isn't a great deal. He is a mean miserable killjoy. Would you have a happier life without him.

He sounds really miserable. I think you need to make it clear you don’t think it’s acceptable. We set a rough budget for each other’s birthdays (£100). I know that sounds a bit transactional but it’s nice to be clear about expectations and our birthdays are one month apart so just works for us otherwise it can be embarrassing if one really out does the other.

I went to a Taylor Swift one at Delapre. If its there noone would notice you being on your own, get yourself a ticket and enjoy yourself. And happy birthday.

You don't have to be young, pretty and skinny to be seen, not all men are shallow.
I would have gone to the concert on my own and not even left a note. X
Take up some hobbies and doing stuff for yourself, you might even meet someone who appreciates you x