To be so over my tight, selfish DH every birthday

[IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise]

I turned 57 yesterday. Birthday was a text from husband saying sorry for using last of milk, whoops happy birthday, kids up late, a card eventually. No card from DH, bottle of Lidl wine and a bunch of flowers. Booked dinner out for tonight but cancelled because DH work, rebooked for tomorrow, having had ‘well, I’m not bothered, but if YOU REALLY WANT TO’.

FB scrolling tonight I see a string quartet Coldplay concert by candlelight, not too far away, in an old priory, say ‘ooh, I’ve found a birthday pressy’ and his response was ‘hmph, not my sort of thing’..then ‘what, instead of dinner? What did you get me?’ (30 yr old scotch, dinner out with wine and a book actually’.

I fucking love Coldplay but will ever be able to afford to see them live, I thought this would be a lovely evening and cheapest tickets are £21 each.

Am I being stupid and unreasonable to just fucking want to be spoilt for one fucking birthday? My family have always been hard up so I’ve not had one birthday where it feels like a celebration.

I know this is first world problems, but am I being unreasonable to want to feel the centre of the world for ONE day?

I went to a candlelit string quartet concert playing Queen hits at St George’s Hall in Liverpool. It was amazing.
Hopefully you’ve bought a ticket and binned him off. Remember we’re all behind you, OP.
Happy Birthday! 🎂 🥂 💃

Good luck OP let this be a turning point for you

Im wishing I was younger, slimmer, prettier, to attract attention from elsewhere to feel seen.

Whatever your age, weight etc, you just need to value yourself more, and not allow them to take you for granted.

I am older than you, also overweight, certainly not pretty, but my DH and early 20s kids would never treat me like yours do, never. I make Christmas and their birthdays special (almost single-handedly, as do most women I suspect), and they do the same for me. The day they don’t, then I stop too.

It doesn’t have to be expensive - my kids now ask for home made birthday cakes and I have had some very thoughtful books, bought from an online second hand retailer, that they knew I would love. It’s very much the thought that counts.

Get the concert booked and maybe give him a divorce for his next birthday, he sounds awful.

What a miserable rat bastard.

Is the problem really your birthday and how he behaves then, or how he behaves towards you generally?

i don’t care about birthdays as such, or big romantic gestures, but if my husband showed any disdain or contempt to me I’d be gone…

I’d he normally loving and appreciative of you?

LTB

I'd be buggered if I ever make an effort for his birthday, Father's Day or Christmas again.

If he won't do something you want to do because it's 'not his thing' (selfish bastard), then arrange a weekend away with friends for your next birthday and book the tickets you want for this birthday and either go alone or with friends

You can afford to buy yourself coldplay tickets, the money you spent on his birthday last year would have bought you one.

Next time stick your money in a coldplay fund and treat yourself instead.

Oh and there's nothing lonelier than being with someone who makes you feel like this. You'll be happier and have more dignity and self respect without the bastard. Do yourself a favour and leave.

Book one ticket
Run off with a member of the orchestra
Drink his scotch at prinks

Can't stand tight and selfish

Happy birthday
Buy 2 tickets to the candle light ticket & take a friend !

OP leave the misery at home and take one of your daughters. My DD doesn't always have the same tastes but will come to things if DP not interested etc.

What she said ^^
...and next birthday arrange a lovely day out just for you , buy yourself something frivolous you've had your eye on for a while maybe and dont tell them just go.

Probably not a nice thing to say, but when you come to realise that nobody REALLY cares about anybody else, apart from themselves and maybe mums about their children and little children about their mums and dads, until they hit teenage years, with a few exceptions, obviously. It is good if you have God with you or some spirituality if you are not religious, basically something not tied to human beings specifically. To rely on humans is bound to lead to upset. Even with excellent families and normal or good relationships. A moment will come when you realise that even your nearest and dearest are not that invested in you. When you read good literature and even MN you realise that we are all on our own, in the most significant episodes of our lives - nobody will sit an exam for us, nobody will give us confidence or joy, etc. I think you should make conscious attempts to be extra nice to him, that is it. I force myself to stop being extra nice to family members - it used to be that the moment dh mentions a gadget he saw that impressed him, my hand flies into my pocket for a credit card to buy it and before he even knows it, it is delivered to him. He did not even ask for it. When I see dc eyes linger for a minute longer than usual, over an object in a shop, I have already bought it. I force myself not to do it now. That way you will not be expecting anything back, apart from an obligatory card and a bouquet.

Go to the concert with a friend or make one of your DC come- they’ll not hate it. Do a nice pre-theatre menu or afternoon tea beforehand.

And FGS stop making an effort for him- give him a dose of his own medicine (maybe some Lidl aftershave and a prickly cactus or something, then take yourself out for a day). If challenged- “sorry I though you said birthdays weren’t your thing” “of course you couldn’t have meant just MY birthday” “I wasn’t sure what you’d want” “yeah I didn’t fancy it this year”.

You are so so so NOT being unreasonable. I'm sorry about your birthday and husband

Please tell us you've booked a ticket OP x
Life's too short to wait around for old misery guts.
Get out there and have a wonderful time.

100% agree.

He doesn't care about treating you, probably is equally not bothered year round. Treat yourself and forget about him and his begrudged dinner.

Hmm ..
Definitely go by yourself, if you fucking love Coldplay! 😀
I'm 45, very different (probably massively introverted) and a nice time with husband, card and dinner is enough.
That said, even at 74, he gets a bit more invested than your DH.
Enjoy your birthday and don't worry about the others! 💐

Seconded! Going somewhere by yourself is quite the treat. Buy a glass of wine or something at the interval. Lush!

Make it the whole orchestra!!

But seriously OP go and enjoy! Friends might not be available but worth asking! I go to music concerts on my own - normally chat to the singles next to me!

I'm sorry you feel this way and that you have been treated in a manner that led you to this frame of mind.

It is absolutely not how things should be. Many many people are loved and prioritised by their partners, loved and respected by family and friends.

Why don't you try this instead
Then you will be 100% in control.

The person whose birthday it is, decides what they want to do on their birthday.
You start to decide a couple of months before, this allows time to plan, buy tickets, holidays etc
Either you pay or your husband or partner pays

You do the same for the other person

I would go by yourself op you will have a great time. I went to a candlelight concert for my birthday and it was beautiful. The concert is quite short so you will have time for dinner afterwards. Don’t book the cheap ticket , buy the premium one and you will be on the front row. Are your kids around? If so arrange for a meal out with them and tell your husband you are sick of his lack of effort and you will be treating him the same for his next birthday.