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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband just accused me of 'lecturing him'.

174 replies

bluedelphiniums · 29/08/2024 21:59

My husband has an consisently unhealthy diet - think red meat, salami, sausages & cheese pretty much every day, accompanied by coleslaw and tomatoes which are his only nod to vegetables. He will eat fruit occasionally if pushed, but never through choice. He drinks lager, or fizzy low sugar (& sometimes high sugar) drinks, never water. He had a health scare 2 years ago, and was found to have dangerously high blood pressure & extremely high cholesterol, plus poor heart health (slow to recover after a stress related ECG). He is overweight and refuses point blank to exercise. Tonight, as I watched him eating very fatty pork chops again, I asked him (I believe gently) whether he would every consider changing his diet to try and reduce his cholesterol naturally, rather than by relying on medication. His response was 'here we go again, stop bloody lecturing me' and he walked out of the room. I realise discussing his health is a giant red flag and therefore made sure I didn't say 'You need to do....' but instead I put it to him as a question. Bottom line is, he says that his medication is sorting him out, so he doesn't need to improve his health. I find it so hard to deal with that sort of stupid, and yes, I'll admit, over the last couple of years, I've probably said that to him. But tonight I was careful with my words. Do I just back off entirely and watch him destroy his body? I've tried so many versions of trying to encourage him to eat more healthily/do some exercise and it all falls on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Lammveg · 29/08/2024 22:02

I'm sure he's embarrassed and reacting in anger because many men default to anger when they feel any type of negative emotion.

At the end of the day it's his health and you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to.

The only thing I'd suggest is to write him a letter/text that comes from a place of love/concern and then leave it at that.

FinallyHere · 29/08/2024 22:06

And, meanwhile, make sure his life assurance is fully up to date and written in trust in your favour.

pecanpie101 · 29/08/2024 22:22

Sounds like his lifestyle will be having a big effect on his health. Unfortunately this will likely cause him serious harm in the future.
Hes defensive because he knows this but doesn't want/know how to change things.

What is your diet like? Do you cook separate meals at dinner time? Do you have any children together?

Usually a health care will kick start a change in someone. Doesn't sound like it has with your husband. I'm sorry op

Pigeonqueen · 29/08/2024 22:25

If he’s got to the point of having medication and seen medical people about this then he knows. He really knows. And you telling him isn’t going to change anything. It’s either put up with it and let him dig himself into an early grave or accept the more you push him the more you’ll push him away. Sad but true.

bluedelphiniums · 29/08/2024 22:45

pecanpie101 · 29/08/2024 22:22

Sounds like his lifestyle will be having a big effect on his health. Unfortunately this will likely cause him serious harm in the future.
Hes defensive because he knows this but doesn't want/know how to change things.

What is your diet like? Do you cook separate meals at dinner time? Do you have any children together?

Usually a health care will kick start a change in someone. Doesn't sound like it has with your husband. I'm sorry op

pecanpie101 yes I fear you're right. He definitely knows, even if he won't admit it, and that's why he's so defensive. I just find it hard to understand his thinking. We eat separate food as he isn't interested in eating what I'm eating. I eat very healthily and work out, plus exercise a lot and I'm sure that winds him up even more. We have several (adult) children between us but none together - they've all left home now so it's just him & me.

OP posts:
pecanpie101 · 29/08/2024 22:56

I don't think you can do anything to change him. It has to come from himself.
Keep doing what you are doing, stay healthy and maybe he might change his mind one day.

Skyrainlight · 02/09/2024 07:02

I'm sorry, it's really hard to deal with someone you love harming themselves like that. That wasn't a lecture. I would completely lose my shit with him and his unhealthy life threatening habits. He is the problem not you. I don't understand how he can expect you to watch him make himself more and more ill and not say something.

Judecb · 02/09/2024 07:09

Can you ask your GP to discuss this with him under the guise of a general health check? Eventually his poor health will impact you and your children. You mention they are adults, could they raise concerns with him? His diet & lifestyle has obviously had a major impact in the recent past. He needs to understand that meds aren't a magic bullet and he's eating his way to an early grave. Good luck!

Doingmybest12 · 02/09/2024 07:10

What was he having with the pork chops because I wouldn't think that meal was the one to raise it again as compared to the ultra processed meat etc it's OK, I would think. Maybe your lifestyle seems overly strict to him and he can't see the balance. He's got the information he needs, no point you keep repeating it but I can see worrying zbd frustrating for you.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 02/09/2024 07:16

Ugh that would be such a turn off for me!

Your his wife so it's normal to be concerned about his health and diet.

I have no choice over the healthy eating due to a family history of heart disease.

I guess he wouldn't want to so any exercise with you?

The separate meals and him refusing to eat anything healthy would annoy me. That's just rude too!

Could he not eat with you 3 times a week and agree what to eat that's healthy?

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/09/2024 07:20

Honestly I would leave. Why should you have to watch him slowly kill himself?

ThorndonCream · 02/09/2024 07:25

I don't think I'd be signing up to be a nurse when he has a health crisis. Who cooked the very fatty pork chops?

sunsetsandboardwalks · 02/09/2024 07:27

Ultimately, can't force someone to change their diet or lifestyle.

I also think it's quite natural to react defensively to something that's perceived as criticism - he knows he needs to change but doesn't want to be told that or reminded of it.

I don't think you're lecturing but I do think you're on a hiding to nothing.

MyLimeGuide · 02/09/2024 07:32

Is he overweight? Tbh his diet doesn't sound terrible! Does he drink? Smoke? Everyone has a vice yours may be excersise he needs to enjoy his life also

MyLimeGuide · 02/09/2024 07:33

Sorry u said pints of lager!

Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon · 02/09/2024 07:34

Similar situation here except there is zero fruit or veg eaten ever.

ive given up.

Through lockdown he had 99% care of the kids and because of his shit eating habits, he pretty much fed our kids this shit too. Now I am battling daily to reverse this for them. And it is a battle.

Theres absolutely nothing you can do for an adult like this so I concentrate on my kids. He can do what he wants, it’s his funeral.

OrdinaryMatilda · 02/09/2024 07:34

I don't think you're lecturing him at all. CV disease is the biggest killer, especially in men.

Lemonadeand · 02/09/2024 07:35

I think it’s probably better to raise this at a different time than when he’s eating the food. If you make comments about someone’s diet while they’re actually eating, they’re going to react defensively because they’re gaining pleasure from eating the food and you are effectively ruining it. If you try to bring it up at a different time they may be more rational.

JollyZebra · 02/09/2024 07:35

Who does the weekly shop? If he leaves all that to you, then substitute things. Chicken breast for fatty meats etc. Law fat alternatives, cholesterol reducing spread.

My husband had an awful attitude to food initially - loved greasy, fatty things. He still has them occasionally - but now he realises that it's not good for him. It took a while, but he's pretty much in agreement now - these meals are treats.

If he moans about wanting this or that - I just remind him about the belly he had started to grow! Luckily he's a bit conscious of how he looks, which helps.

At the end of the day, your husband is a grown man and you can't really control what he's going to put in his mouth. Good luck!

SGANDRUE · 02/09/2024 07:36

I'm in a similar situation. My Dh has type 2 diabetes which he takes meds for, and is very overweight and has been for years. It's driven me insane. I took it really personally as he didn't care enough to be healthy and look good for me. I still hate it, but I've made peace with it. I'm not going to change him and I've tried everything! He hates people mentioning his weight, and I don't like it anymore either. If I can live with it, than noone else has to care! It's easier to just accept than fight against it. It's made our relationship better.

paradisecircus · 02/09/2024 07:38

Sounds difficult for you, watching someone you care about damage their health in this way, but it is up to him what he eats & drinks - including whether he eats fruit or not, whether he drinks water or not. What you said about the pork chops wasn't a lecture, but if you often comment on what he's eating/drinking he might feel a bit scrutinised, hence the defensiveness. It doesn't sound as if there's anything you can actually say that will be the magic bullet in getting him to change his lifestyle - perhaps the best option (unsatisfactory though it still is) is to continue to set a good example through YOUR habits and let him work the rest out for himself. He, presumably, knows how you feel.

Ohthatsabitshit · 02/09/2024 07:41

What is his bp and cholesterol like now? Do you know or are you just assuming it’s still high?

Sparklfairy · 02/09/2024 07:45

Can he try the keto diet? You can basically have all of that on keto (bar the drinks) IF you have no carbs. Which let's face it, are generally the blandest part of the meal (apart from potatoes).

Short term, the weight loss would have a big impact on his health, combined with the medication. It's a relatively small change to make that would make a big difference.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 02/09/2024 07:46

MyLimeGuide · 02/09/2024 07:32

Is he overweight? Tbh his diet doesn't sound terrible! Does he drink? Smoke? Everyone has a vice yours may be excersise he needs to enjoy his life also

Do you really think it doesn't sound like a bad diet? He has alcohol everyday, sugary drinks, red, processed meat, cheese and barely any fruits or veggies 😬

Mistressofnone · 02/09/2024 07:47

Agree with PP that a man will usually act defensively but it does go in once they get past that.

I have to make a real effort to eat more fruit & veg. When on holiday and it's all there in a buffet I really enjoy it. Could you start by making stuff available, eg. Mediterranean veg & cous cous that he can help himself to, or fruit skewers in the fridge, just to supplement his usual diet?

Then it might become more of a habit for him and he will feel better for it.