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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband just accused me of 'lecturing him'.

174 replies

bluedelphiniums · 29/08/2024 21:59

My husband has an consisently unhealthy diet - think red meat, salami, sausages & cheese pretty much every day, accompanied by coleslaw and tomatoes which are his only nod to vegetables. He will eat fruit occasionally if pushed, but never through choice. He drinks lager, or fizzy low sugar (& sometimes high sugar) drinks, never water. He had a health scare 2 years ago, and was found to have dangerously high blood pressure & extremely high cholesterol, plus poor heart health (slow to recover after a stress related ECG). He is overweight and refuses point blank to exercise. Tonight, as I watched him eating very fatty pork chops again, I asked him (I believe gently) whether he would every consider changing his diet to try and reduce his cholesterol naturally, rather than by relying on medication. His response was 'here we go again, stop bloody lecturing me' and he walked out of the room. I realise discussing his health is a giant red flag and therefore made sure I didn't say 'You need to do....' but instead I put it to him as a question. Bottom line is, he says that his medication is sorting him out, so he doesn't need to improve his health. I find it so hard to deal with that sort of stupid, and yes, I'll admit, over the last couple of years, I've probably said that to him. But tonight I was careful with my words. Do I just back off entirely and watch him destroy his body? I've tried so many versions of trying to encourage him to eat more healthily/do some exercise and it all falls on deaf ears.

OP posts:
TheGoddessFrigg · 02/09/2024 08:51

Yeah, this was my dad. He died at the age of 60 due to complications of type 2 diabetes. He would go absolutely insane if anyone said anything-so even his doctor just told him the facts then left him to it. It's so awful to watch and I really feel for you x

HelenWheels · 02/09/2024 08:53

so sorry @Nuturingwildchild

vivainsomnia · 02/09/2024 08:54

It's never a good time to discuss a difficult subject at the time they are guilty is indulging in the 'sin'.

Try to raise it at a time you are comfortable together, even better, if he ever hint a wish to tackle the problem.

ForGreyKoala · 02/09/2024 08:54

pecanpie101 · 29/08/2024 22:56

I don't think you can do anything to change him. It has to come from himself.
Keep doing what you are doing, stay healthy and maybe he might change his mind one day.

This. My exDH smoked but there was no point in me lecturing him about it, it's his life and he didn't need me to point out the obvious (and he had asthma). He also drank/drinks too much. It's fine to be concerned, but we are in charge of our own lives and really don't need others to point out the error of our ways. Lecturing him could well just make him dig his heels in (or is not everyone like me and my exDH 😄)

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 02/09/2024 08:54

@Nuturingwildchild I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you and your DD are okay.

blackheartsgirl · 02/09/2024 09:00

The more you mention and go on about it the more he will dig his heels in.

i know where you’re coming from though. My late dh diet was full of crap, ham, bacon, cheese, red meat, chocolate too. He did lose weight but still ate heavily processed crap every day.

he died from colon cancer aged 50.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 02/09/2024 09:06

Who does the household cooking? Or do you each cook your own?

PashaMinaMio · 02/09/2024 09:07

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/09/2024 07:20

Honestly I would leave. Why should you have to watch him slowly kill himself?

As above. My thoughts exactly.

When he has a heart attack or stroke, you’ll (probably) be the one looking after this man who’s destroyed his own health. Is that what you want?

Frankly I’d be worried about him becoming a mill stone around my neck.

As someone else has said, make sure he’s got life insurance made over to you.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 02/09/2024 09:07

ForGreyKoala · 02/09/2024 08:54

This. My exDH smoked but there was no point in me lecturing him about it, it's his life and he didn't need me to point out the obvious (and he had asthma). He also drank/drinks too much. It's fine to be concerned, but we are in charge of our own lives and really don't need others to point out the error of our ways. Lecturing him could well just make him dig his heels in (or is not everyone like me and my exDH 😄)

My MIL was the same with my FIL and he died of throat cancer at 50 because of it.

Sometimes it's better to raise things and lecture.

morningbbrew · 02/09/2024 09:15

I expect he is more likely to change his habits now if you stay quiet.

You have made your point. He needs to want to change for him. So give him the space to make that decision or not

lpbarton · 02/09/2024 09:16

Stop buying it. If he wants the larger and processed meat etc he can go out and buy it. Instead if you’re the one cooking offer up good tasting healthy food? Buy some squash not the fizzy drinks. It’s an addiction and it takes a heck of long time to rewire the brain. I would apologise and say that you’re worried from a place of love and wanting to spend time with him in the future.

DottyLottieLou · 02/09/2024 09:24

The more you push the more he will push back. Leave him to it. He's in for a loud wake up call and it will probably take that for him to change, if he's lucky. Just make it clear you won't be his carer.

Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves · 02/09/2024 09:28

I’m assuming from what you’ve said, i.e medication, he is on statins. chances are his gp will already of had these conversations with him. He probably should change his diet for overall health but there is no guarantee it will help his cholesterol as it’s not always caused by diet.

CosyLemur · 02/09/2024 09:29

Back off! You said yourself you've said it more than once but this time you've tried to say it in a nice way.

Too late it should have always been in a nice way then he might have been receptive - you actually come across as uncaring and judgemental!

Flipsock · 02/09/2024 09:34

He will have a heart attack. And his body may not be in the best condition to cope. That is a fact.

I think he’s an utter, utter fool for not changing his lifestyle. He has had a warning (cholesterol and BP) that his heart is not coping and he’s not acknowledging it and making changes. Lots of people don’t have the luxury of the warning.

Pork products and shit food are not so good as to be better than being alive, surely?

Tell him to make sure his will is in order.

godmum56 · 02/09/2024 09:36

He's a grown up and get to choose how he runs his life. Your choices are linited to two which is put up with it or leave. I do get your concerns but those are the facts.....and however you approached it, to him it felt like a lecture.

Blackberriesandcobwebs · 02/09/2024 09:38

If you do the shopping/cooking can you buy the leaner versions of foodstuffs so if it's not in the house he can't eat it. If he does the shopping/cooking it's more tricky to try and get healthier options unless you say you're both trying to eat well/improve your health so how can he help?

BiL was like this (almost selfmedicating with crap comfort food) and like your DH had a health scare but chose to ignore it. He thought nothing bad would happen to HIM, ignored all our pleas, and those of his doctors, and sadly his life was cut short at 58yo. DSis is grieving but mostly so angry with him still as he just refused to engage and she and her DC are reaping the emotional and financial consequences.

Namechangeforcheese · 02/09/2024 09:42

My husband is similar. I leave him to it. I'm his wife not his nanny.

Chenecinquantecinq · 02/09/2024 09:43

I wouldn't dream of trying to control what my partner eats they're a grown adult!

Bromptotoo · 02/09/2024 09:45

Sometimes in a relationship you have to recognise people don't change.

Welshmonster · 02/09/2024 09:46

Try a different way. Say you want to get all your legal affairs and will up to date. Especially as you have separate adult children who may want inheritance.

who owns the house you live in? Will you be able to remain it if he dies young?

are his kids likely to help him by saying they want him to be present at life events in the future

get your legal affairs in order and then leave him be.

stop buying him food. Let him go to the supermarket and make his own choices.

DancingLions · 02/09/2024 09:46

As others have said, you can't tell a grown adult what to eat/drink.

I need to improve my diet. I know that. I've started doing some small things, but to a "healthy eating" person they wouldn't look like much! But I need to do it in my own time. Whether someone lectured me or said it with kindness, I don't need to hear it and it wouldn't help me. Likewise with exercise.

Also some people just aren't fussed about living as long as possible! I'm not. And yes, I know the argument about not just living longer but also being in better health in your later years. That's why I am making some changes. But I'm never going to be a full on healthy eater in the gym 5 times a week. It's just not me.

MorrisZapp · 02/09/2024 09:50

I have a very obese and unhealthy young relative. No GP, nurse or health professional has ever advised her to lose weight or offered lifestyle advice. All of her health problems have been managed with medication and in one case, surgery.

Her mother is at her wits end because any health advice from her results in fury and slammed doors.

I get it.

jgjgjgjgjg · 02/09/2024 09:51

Bear in mind that not everyone agrees on what a 'healthy diet' means. The pork chops and cheese would be very appropriate on a low carb diet. The lager and sugary drinks not so much though!

Haroldwilson · 02/09/2024 09:53

The moment to raise this is not as he's lifting the pork chops to his lips, to be honest.

Food plays a deeply emotional role in our lives and it's not always a logical thing where we know it's bad for us so we don't eat it. If it was that simple, no one would be obese.

To change his ways, he'd have to commit and go through the emotional challenge of letting go of comfort eating. Which can be scary when it's the main place you go to, psychologically, when things are tough.

You can't nudge him into it, basically. Delineate where you're responsible (buying food etc) and where he is. I'd outline to him what you'd be prepared to do if he incapacitates himself knowingly and willingly - if he had a stroke tomorrow, would you give up everything to care for him? Tbh I don't see why you should.