Husband just accused me of 'lecturing him'.

[bluedelphiniums]

My husband has an consisently unhealthy diet - think red meat, salami, sausages & cheese pretty much every day, accompanied by coleslaw and tomatoes which are his only nod to vegetables. He will eat fruit occasionally if pushed, but never through choice. He drinks lager, or fizzy low sugar (& sometimes high sugar) drinks, never water. He had a health scare 2 years ago, and was found to have dangerously high blood pressure & extremely high cholesterol, plus poor heart health (slow to recover after a stress related ECG). He is overweight and refuses point blank to exercise. Tonight, as I watched him eating very fatty pork chops again, I asked him (I believe gently) whether he would every consider changing his diet to try and reduce his cholesterol naturally, rather than by relying on medication. His response was 'here we go again, stop bloody lecturing me' and he walked out of the room. I realise discussing his health is a giant red flag and therefore made sure I didn't say 'You need to do....' but instead I put it to him as a question. Bottom line is, he says that his medication is sorting him out, so he doesn't need to improve his health. I find it so hard to deal with that sort of stupid, and yes, I'll admit, over the last couple of years, I've probably said that to him. But tonight I was careful with my words. Do I just back off entirely and watch him destroy his body? I've tried so many versions of trying to encourage him to eat more healthily/do some exercise and it all falls on deaf ears.

Tell him he needs to get this because when he drops dead from a heart attack you need the money to bring up his kids

Their kids are adults.

It's a shame because people don't realise how dangerous that lifestyle is till they have an early cardiac arrest

It’s even more of a shame when they’re left in no doubt as to how dangerous that lifestyle is and still refuse to change.

This totally, nailed it, agree thyroid issues does course cholesterol to rise along with menopause, gp only too happy to push statins, big pharma is a multi billion pound company, bigger picture,

At this rate you will be his nurse when his body cannot deal with what's he choosing to inflict on it. So selfish and unfair of him on him and you! The arrogance of persisting in it and saying you're lecturing you! Wow!

I don't really buy into the whole "big pharma" conspiracy talk to be honest, but from a GP's perspective it's the easy option. 30 seconds to write a prescription, against 10 minutes or more discussing diet, exercise, whether those Benecol yoghurt drinks work (they do), whether the patient smokes, family history of heart disease/stroke, menopause etc etc etc.

I see it a bit like being borderline diabetic - I have been told that I am prone to this condition which could have potentially very serious implications. But there is lots I can do to manage the risk and change my diet. (I have lost 2 stone in a year and brought by total cholesterol down from 7.9 to 5, but you have to WANT to make the changes).

This is the truth.
I know someone who was left with a husband of 53 in a wheelchair after a stroke.
She was years and years asking him to address his unhealthy diet and life style.

He was an academic, so definitely not a stupid man.
But wouldn't be told.
He was in rehab for a year and is now 10 years in a nursing home.
She was not prepared to give up her career to be his carer.
The fallout was huge and they have since divorced.
Everyone who knew them, knew he was a ticking time bomb and her heart was broken asking him to make better choices.
He has limited speech too.
Just awful.
But she realised she had spent 20 years asking him to help himself and there was no way she was taking early retirement to now care for him.

Her friends certainly support her.
His family have chosen to blame her.
Her children understand as they too listened to her asking him to eat better.

Some people choose not to be helped.

Yes, I underate and over exercised for years and so many people praised me like it was some kind of virtue. But it wss just a mental health problem, and my way of coping with depression and stress. I am sure much overeating is similar and needs addressing at an emotional level before it can be addressed at a logical level.

Always interesting how different undereating (even if potentially fatal) is perceived

Your friend is very brave standing up for herself. It's very easy for bystanders to point the finger and bang on about vows for in sickness or in health. Completely overlooking the fact that caring for someone is a literal labour of love, and that they aren't the ones doing it.

If your partner suddenly becomes ill with no warning, that's one thing - nobody can predict the future. But it's a different ball game if your partner knowingly ignores years of warnings, with the expectation that you will be their 24/7 nurse for the rest of their life.

I hope your friend is enjoying her new peaceful life.

Wow!! So research , healthy fats do not raise cholesterol, but sugar/ high carbs do, all research papers out there, yes I have done my research so have some understanding now, just like , brown bread is healthier than white No, cereals are an healthy choice for breakfast No, oh and skimmed milk is healthier than full fat milk No, because the fat from milk has been replaced with artificial crap for taste, it's all out there to be researched,

So I'm trying to think about this from a different perspective ehixh might help you to spot some areas where you can help cos I've battled with my weight my entire life and this is the one area where if my husband were to start complaining about it it would be a straight forward deal breaker. I don't need to be told by other people I've been trying to loose weight since I was 12. And have gone up and down over the years. I'm currently trying again after putting on a load more weight. We have a two year old who didn't sleep and I mean 45mins at a time awake for 2 hours business it was hell, I got very low and snacked to keep myself awake basically. I am at the bottom of this list of self care and get zero time to myself so if my husband ever made a comment my response would be well if you can notice that then why didn't you notice the pressure I've been under, how exhausted I was, how overwhelmed I was....but he wouldn't dare. Anyway my point is, is there a root cause that you a missing or not attributing to the fact that he doesn't seem to be bothered about treating himself properly. Is there some other support that you could give him that woukd give him the spave he needs for himself. I mean it does boil down to the other person wanting to. If my husband said I'm gonna look after the girls from 6 to 7 everyday so you can go the gym I would take his hand off.....but this it's obviously a joke as he would never do that. This might be totally irrelevant I just thought I'd give an alternative perspective.

Don't buy or cook the foods you are worried about. If he wants them that much he can buy and cook them himself. If this change of routine brings out an aggressive reaction you should rethink your future together. Good luck.

Just carry on doing what you are doing.

Unfortunately you can't force someone to eat healthy or lose weight.

But do not let his lifestyle choices affect yours. If you want to go on a walking holiday through Snowdonia, for example, then go and do it. You will get your point across more clearly than any number of words and pointless conversations.

A fair point about underlying causes but don't think your experience applies here- this is an at least middle aged man with no dependent children who presumably could carve out time for exercise, food prep etc if he so desired. Maybe he just likes his grub, his fizzy drinks and his booze too much! I met a woman once who had got to the final stages of a weight loss reality TV programme - she bluntly said they didn't pick her because she had no sob story, no underlying reasons, she just loved food and booze and socialising and the weight crept up on her. This does happen, given the kind of tempting environment we live in, it surprises me sometimes how anyone is slim!

OP, you might be interested in Drs Chris and Xand's podcast A Thorough Examination. One of them is overweight and eating loads of UPFs, the other one is worried about his brother. They work through it, including the healthy weight brother exploring the effect of his discussing it with his brother, and how this makes him dig his heals in more. It's really interesting on the impact of UPFs, but also on the relationship between two people who love each other when one is overweight

He did. He always cooks & buys his own food. (his choice).

Yes I agree it's maybe totally irrelevant and everyone is different. I feel like though we all have vices don't we, that we use as a prop, some lean on the heavily some just need to know they are there when life is hard. It just might relate but it might not. I'm trying to veer from my usual attitude of "down with men!!!!"...... 😂 Although on second thoughts ... "DOWN WITH MEN!!!!!! 😂😂

I know he's an adult, doesn't make it a good diet though!

When faced with a high cholesterol diagnosis who am I going to listen to.... the weight of NHS medical opinion, or someone who has "done their research" online.

Decisions, decisions...

@Omgblueskys

No, oh and skimmed milk is healthier than full fat milk No, because the fat from milk has been replaced with artificial crap for taste, it's all out there to be researched

This isn't actually true . Sure there are things replacing fat in reduced fat yogurts or cake - but not in reduced fat milk . The fat is just separated leaving the fat free milk left (hence the word skimmed).

So my relative, who is diabetic should ignore his specialist dieticians’ advice to swap out white processed bread for a healthier wholemeal option with a lower GI which won’t spike his blood sugar and will help him feel fuller so less likely to snack. Same for low GI cereals like oats and bran - which also lower blood sugar and help prevent it from spiking. And to replace whole milk with skimmed to reduce fat intake which will aggravate his heart disease. And to remove potentially lethal fats like lard and dripping completely from his diet because the damage they inflict on the arteries far outweighs any nutritional value they contribute. It’s all nonsense ? And l suggest you read the ingredients on a bottle of skimmed milk, because that’s all it contains. Milk. Skimmed.

It's not me that's buying it! He picks up his own food on the way home from work, in spite of me saying I'm going to Tesco on my way home and am doing a stir fry or whatever.... the answer is always no, I'll sort myself out. He doesn't even want me cooking for him (silver linings I guess)

We each do our own cooking (& typing this, I realise how dysfunctional that sounds).

@Dubuem I don't. He does buy & cook them himself. In spite of v high cholesterol, he will frequently eat sausages 4 or 5 days a week. It feels like dealing with a bolshy child sometimes.

Sorry realised I've already replied. The thread was v slow to pick up and I got back from work today to find 6 pages of replies so just trying to catch up!