Husband just accused me of 'lecturing him'.

[bluedelphiniums]

My husband has an consisently unhealthy diet - think red meat, salami, sausages & cheese pretty much every day, accompanied by coleslaw and tomatoes which are his only nod to vegetables. He will eat fruit occasionally if pushed, but never through choice. He drinks lager, or fizzy low sugar (& sometimes high sugar) drinks, never water. He had a health scare 2 years ago, and was found to have dangerously high blood pressure & extremely high cholesterol, plus poor heart health (slow to recover after a stress related ECG). He is overweight and refuses point blank to exercise. Tonight, as I watched him eating very fatty pork chops again, I asked him (I believe gently) whether he would every consider changing his diet to try and reduce his cholesterol naturally, rather than by relying on medication. His response was 'here we go again, stop bloody lecturing me' and he walked out of the room. I realise discussing his health is a giant red flag and therefore made sure I didn't say 'You need to do....' but instead I put it to him as a question. Bottom line is, he says that his medication is sorting him out, so he doesn't need to improve his health. I find it so hard to deal with that sort of stupid, and yes, I'll admit, over the last couple of years, I've probably said that to him. But tonight I was careful with my words. Do I just back off entirely and watch him destroy his body? I've tried so many versions of trying to encourage him to eat more healthily/do some exercise and it all falls on deaf ears.

@Lammveg

I'm sure he's embarrassed and reacting in anger because many men default to anger when they feel any type of negative emotion.

You're right! Why haven't I noticed that before?

At the end of the day it’s his choice. But it’s also your choice as to whether you want to stay with him and potentially become carer if he was for example to have a stroke that renders him disabled. Do you find him attractive, do you still have sex? This would be a major turn-off for me.

Sure. But I wouldn’t choose to stay with someone who was piling on weight and putting their already precarious health at risk by continuing to eat utter shit like an idiot.

I work as a health and wellbeing coach for public health. Working 1-2-1 with people and running group sessions to help them improve their health and reduce their weight. I have also lost over 10stone myself and although I haven’t read all of the comments, what I will say is, unless he really wants to, you are wasting your time. Someone has to want the change, not just need it. It is literally as simple as that. Needing to change quite simply isn’t enough.

Yes you completley back off. He is an adult and I assume one with capacity to make his own decisions. You have no control over what an adult does, they will only change when they want to change so there is no need for you to say anything. Your wasting your time and energy and causing unnecessary stress.

Sadly this is very familiar for me. We have a family member who is now in late fifties. Since early adulthood he’s indulged himself by eating whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and was always a couch potato. He also smokes very heavily, although he doesn’t drink alcohol, so I suppose that’s something at least !! He has had two heart attacks in quick succession and has been diagnosed as in the early stages of heart failure as well as having peripheral artery disease to which he has lost a leg. Predictably, he also has type 2 diabetes.

All of his health problems are of his own making through past behaviours and still he won’t listen to medical advice. Still smokes, still eats really unhealthily and although losing a leg has made traditional forms of exercise difficult, he doesn’t make any attempt to find an alternative, even though he can swim.

His heart condition and diabetes are controlled by a multitude of tablets taken daily and his blood pressure and blood sugar are monitored regularly. He relies on medication to control his blood sugar and is on maximum doses of a couple of medications - despite being told repeatedly that if he doesn’t make the effort to control it better through diet, he will run out of options regarding meds and will end up insulin dependent. Nothing gets through.

His wife left him some time ago, saying that she was through with trying to get him to change and wasn’t prepared to watch him finish the job and end up his carer when the inevitable stroke or debilitating heart attack happened. His adult kids avoid him like the plague because of the stress he’s put them and their mum through over the years.

OP, if your DH is anything like this, you’re on a hiding to nothing. He won’t change. His health will get worse and you’ll watch him deteriorate in front of you even though the solution is in his own hands. Don’t waste your life with someone hell bent on self destruction because you’ll end up wiping his arse for the rest of his life when the inevitable happens.

My ex was just like him. There was no point in trying to tell him to stop eating crap. This is one of the many reasons that he is an ex.

Luckily my husband likes eating healthily.

At least your children are grown up. It would be a lot worse if you had dependents.

I would just let him destroy his body as worrying about it will just cause you stress.

You need to enjoy your own life, not worry about someone who won't listen.

This, I can't believe more people haven't mentioned it. Him dropping dead early of a heart attack is one scenario but the far more likely one is a late middle and old age of terrible health and multiple health crises which will hugely affect the OP's quality of life and ability to enjoy HER life to the full. My father did everything wrong his whole life diet and health wise and my mother is paying a very high price for it in terms of having to deal with his infirmity, appointments, etc.

OP, a bit of a diversion from the subject, but relevant I think. How are your finances divided ? Do you have joint ownership of your home, joint bank accounts/savings etc. I ask because if he gets to the point where he has a major health event which results in him going into care, any funds held in his sole name will be taken for care fees. If you’re going to stay with him, you need to make sure your interests are protected.

You are right to be concerned. However your TIMING was wrong ( not when he was enjoying his food).

I would treat this lifestyle choice like anything else - smoking, drinking excessively, doing drugs, etc.

You can’t make them stop but you can decide if you’re willing to put up with it.

so sorry you’re in this position.

Rightly or wrongly I just can’t deal with this sort of self neglect/abuse, especially when you will probably find yourself being forced to care for him and take the inevitable financial hit when he gets ill. My ex behaves like this and I ended up telling him if he gets ill I’m not looking after him as I got so sick and tired of doing it. Yes, people feel embarrassed about it, but it will end up affecting your life as well, that’s why I think it is your business. Fully appreciate I may be approaching this in an overly black and white fashion but no one’s ever been able to explain it to me in a way I can understand.

It's really difficult to address this kind of stuff as there's always loads of psychological stuff going on behind it. He probably needs to understand what the driver is behind his choices - like does he stress/comfort eat, does he know when full, any secret eating habits etc. I don't know if therapists deal with the stuff specifically but they should!

Obviously the conversation with him didn't feel good because he knows he isn't making good decisions. So I would acknowledge that you see how hard it is for him and reiterate that you want to have a long and happy life with him and you are genuinely worried that his life is going to be cut short. Ask him how he feels about that and if there is something you can do to support. Finding some common meals you can make and eat together would be a great start if you can get him on board x

Oh op I here you, can I say I was your h 6 years, 4 stone over wieght confidence rock bottom, any advice came as criticism which made me eat more, your trying to help and support him but all he is hearing is criticism, your not but that's how he is reading it, I did, I hated the rut I got myself into, it at cycle of low self-esteem, of course h knows his health issues, can I ask has he got diabetes, what job does he do,
I changed after a holiday which I ruined due to self loathing, hated my clothes felt everybody was looking at me, came home and researched everything and anything I could,
So fatty chop h eating that's good, I mean any meat steak chops the fat is good, butter real butter it's good, we have be conditioned to believe low fat foods , are healthier, no no, agree sugar is the poison so his drinks are not a good choice, sugar ( carbs) meaning breads cereals, biscuits all carbs which turn to sugar, my research made me realise my way of eating was all wrong let's use the 3 meals aday, we don't need 3 meals, we don't need breakfast, I learnt to ' eat when am hungry and stop when full, am high fat low carb, so yes cheese butter, learnt to make my own bread, pizza base, biscuits cakes all low carb, I have icecream home made,
Please do some research, your h knows your trying to support him but this is his mh, will put some research I did below, let's go back to 60s/70s we didn't have the amount of process foods available, wats gone wrong, big food Companies, back then we eat healthy foods, wasn't alot around but what we got was goodness, my mum used butter and lard, we did OK,
What am trying to say is h needs to change his mindset, not easy but can be done, I went low carb high fat, fats full you up longer, sugar or carbs just make you hungry, I lost 4 stone still eat the same way as this isn't some fad diet, as I said I can have my bread, cakes and likes of , omad, one meal aday, 2 hour eating window sometimes might have 2 meal just depends,

Dietdoctor.com has all kinds of information plus recipes,

Dr paul Mason, Ken d berry, Dr divad unwin, ivory Cummins, james dinicolantonia,
Just a few, all fabulous advice, have youtube or podcast, I too haven't eaten fruit since only berries and all berries
Understand your frustration with h, but maybe you can get to a point were you both can eat the same healthy meal together and actually enjoy preparing it, sorry to keep going on but I have good old eggs ham and chips once aweek but the difference is chips are from celeriac veg ,deep fried in butter or lard or beef dripping,

Hope you can help your h to change his mindset, good you, really feel for both of you

As @Rosscameasdoody says:

"...His adult kids avoid him like the plague because of the stress he’s put them and their mum through over the years.... Don’t waste your life with someone hell bent on self destruction because you’ll end up wiping his arse for the rest of his life when the inevitable happens."

That's the point - his self-destructive ways will drag down many other people (and society, and resources, if we want to get righteous about it) besides himself. Everyone else pays for his irrational behaviour because he refuses to recognise or address it. In this sense it's a mental health issue, and I'm not sure any amount of logic, scolding or careful messaging from loved ones will get through.

In a similar situation my friend once told her DH that she wouldn't be pushing him around in a wheelchair in his old age. Didn't ultimately make much difference, but it crystallised to both of them the choices that he was forcing her to make.

Other than your concerns about his health, do you love him? Do you enjoy your life together? Do you have fun, sex, hobbies you enjoy?

He’s not stupid. He knows what he needs to do, and for whatever reason he can’t. Anything at you say, or however you say it, will probably have completely the opposite effect to what you want it to have as it will entrench his negative feelings around the matter.

As hard as it might be, just shut up. Model better eating, cook healthy meals and everything else will be up to him.

"Mumsnet - my wife is a chronic smoker, we have very differing opinions on health but she wants me to stop lecturing her - she has had several serious chest infections lately and gets breathless easily- I don't want to be a nag but I hate it and is worrying me."

Mumsnet: "Leave her, why should you be her carer, let her kill herself, just make sure her life insurance is up to date and you're the beneficiary!"

Imagine.

I don’t really see the relevance of this, because any fun, sex and hobbies they’re enjoying now will all stop abruptly when the inevitable major health event happens and the OP is tied to their home as his carer.

This.

AFAIK it’s almost impossible to control high cholesterol through diet and lifestyle changes, but the medication is very effective.

Very, very different to obesity and diabetes.

My ex has high cholesterol despite being super fit and having a generally pretty healthy diet. He tried for about a year to reduce it ‘naturally’, barely made a dint. Then he gave in to the medication.

You’re DH is following his doctor’s advice in this case. Maybe you need to do some more research before offering him advice?

Unless he wants to end up on IC or you become a widow....he should take note as he damn well knows he's dicing with death

I really don’t think the advice would be any different if it was a man posting that his wife was behaving in this way - why would it make a difference ? I have very personal experience of a selfish family member whose reckless self indulgence has ravaged his health, rendered him substantially disabled and alienated his wife and kids because of his reckless self indulgence even in the face of serious health conditions. Whether it’s the husband or the wife behaving this way is immaterial - the end result is the same.

And I haven’t seen any posters advising on life insurance, but it makes sense to have that in place in the circumstances. I have advised OP myself that she should make sure everything is in joint name to protect herself from assets held solely by her husband being taken for care fees when the inevitable happens. It’s common sense to protect yourself when confronted by a partner who has no concern for anyone but themselves.

And to turn your argument on it’s head, how many men do you think would stick around to be a carer to a wife who had systematically ignored medical advice and ruined her health to the point where she needed care ? But it’s expected of women to do exactly that, no matter what the circumstances.

Ask him to set up a power of attorney for you/ his children against the day when he has a stroke.
Ask him about his will and how he is going to ensure your financial future and that of his kids on the day he drops dead. Ask him about his funeral and disposal requests.
Tell him you are just getting your ducks in a row against the day, likely to be fairly soon, when you are alone.
Maybe ask him what he thinks the best way to comfort his children will be.. and his grandchildren if there are any.
Be brutal!
My father ate and drank himself to death, he had entirely avoidable bowel cancer.
It was a horrible death with dreadful necrosis in his feet due to rampant diabetes'. I am still furious with him for doing this to our family and leaving my Mother alone.
If he can’t sort himself out for himself then at least try to make him understand how this is likely to affect those around him.

Just another to add to impact on family members and future outlook. My father has done this to my mum. He spent years biting everyone’s heads off over taking care of himself after an initial episode in his 50’s, went on to develop multiple complex health conditions, almost died at least three times and has basically robbed her of retirement. He now has such limited mobility and poor confidence out and about and is awful to be around most of the time due to his ongoing self pity and selfishness. He demands so much from mum, with little to no acknowledgment their situation is wholly down to his lifestyle and they barely do anything or go anywhere. She’d been financially supporting them both for years as well as trying to cope with his health issues (ie his poor management of them) and is now totally burnt out and horribly depressed about her future. They are only in their late 60’s.

First thing you can try to do is eat together as a family/couple. Regarding the pork chop - fine for the weekend of with veggies and few potatoes.

Try and see if lunch can be cheese, apple, biscuit then slowly steer towards more fruit/veg variety and smaller bit of cheese etc.

I think bringing the topic up at dinner is a bit too much like direct conflict.