Husband just accused me of 'lecturing him'.

[bluedelphiniums]

My husband has an consisently unhealthy diet - think red meat, salami, sausages & cheese pretty much every day, accompanied by coleslaw and tomatoes which are his only nod to vegetables. He will eat fruit occasionally if pushed, but never through choice. He drinks lager, or fizzy low sugar (& sometimes high sugar) drinks, never water. He had a health scare 2 years ago, and was found to have dangerously high blood pressure & extremely high cholesterol, plus poor heart health (slow to recover after a stress related ECG). He is overweight and refuses point blank to exercise. Tonight, as I watched him eating very fatty pork chops again, I asked him (I believe gently) whether he would every consider changing his diet to try and reduce his cholesterol naturally, rather than by relying on medication. His response was 'here we go again, stop bloody lecturing me' and he walked out of the room. I realise discussing his health is a giant red flag and therefore made sure I didn't say 'You need to do....' but instead I put it to him as a question. Bottom line is, he says that his medication is sorting him out, so he doesn't need to improve his health. I find it so hard to deal with that sort of stupid, and yes, I'll admit, over the last couple of years, I've probably said that to him. But tonight I was careful with my words. Do I just back off entirely and watch him destroy his body? I've tried so many versions of trying to encourage him to eat more healthily/do some exercise and it all falls on deaf ears.

who does the shopping and the cooking?
i have started cooking more vegetarian meals
if dh wants a doughnut he goes to the shop

OP, I feel your pain. My DP is exactly the same, loves everything you have mentioned, turns his nose up at non-meat days, doesn’t like fish. He will cook balanced meals and eat some fruit and veg…but will pick on leftovers that could really be used for lunch or dinner the next day. He’ll pretty much always have a large bowl of cereal before bed and drinks an excessive amount of (sugar-free) fizzy drinks. Minimal exercise and is very, very overweight.

This has rubbed off on my DSD17, who pretty much follows in her father’s footsteps when it comes to diet, weight and attitude.

I’ve recently lost a lot of weight by focusing on diet and I’d hoped this would kick start them too…how wrong! I’ve had the UPFs chat, the ham/bacon/salami and cancer chat, the snacking chat, the ‘we need to save money’ chat…all with nods but it falls on deaf ears.

I’ve now decided to leave them to it. I love them both but I won’t spend my time nagging. I hope something will change before it’s too late.

No words of wisdom sorry, OP, just wanted to show support as it’s so infuriating and upsetting.

Who cooks his food? If it is you then you change his diet. Make better choices on his behalf. However if he won't change and just gets his own food. I would start getting on with my own life as if he cared about you he would surely make better choices.

my friend had the same issue,
her ex ended up having a stroke - and other issues

they are no longer together

I lived through this as a child. Even I spoke to my dad about it when I was still at primary school I was so worried. He went through the roof. My mum tried everything too. Wouldn’t hear a word about ‘healthy eating’.

Unsurprisingly he died young of a ‘life style related illness’. Just as we’d feared. It’s unbelievably frustrating but not much you can do apart from make it clear how worried you are. He has to make the choice.

Being careful with your words, if you’ve lectured in the past, is just a way of camouflaging your lecture. As soon as you bring the subject up he will just hear what you’ve said before.

He’s heard it, OP. He’s choosing to ignore it. You’re going to need to accept that he would rather live his life this way. If you can’t live with that then leave him. Going on at him about it when he hasn’t asked for your opinion, however you phrase it, is unlikely to do anything other than make him dislike you.

You are right to be concerned, but asking it as a 'gentle' question is no different really to telling him you think he ought to change his diet. It's perfectly obvious from the question that it's a criticism/lecture. And he might well deserve one - but I don't think you can blame him for assuming that that is what you're doing, because it is. If you don't think his lifestyle something you can live with, then tell him that. You might as well get it out in the open, tell him what you're thinking, let him decide what he's going to do. Of course he knows his diet is bad and that he has to make changes - anyone who is already on medication knows, whether they admit it or not - but for whatever reason, can't/won't. You can decide what you want to do about it and whether you want to stay (and it would be perfectly reasonable if you decide not to!)

You can’t control another adult’s life choices.

How long have you been together? Why do you think he has this reaction? Who does the shopping/ cooking?

My partner on the surface seemed healthy when we met. I realised he was actually very uneducated about food and as a single Dad what he was feeding his kids was not horrendous, but they were struggling a lot with constipation, low iron etc. He had weird misplaced understanding of diet and nutrition....I blame doctor google and advertising!

I don't mind cooking and I would rather lead on what we have for dinner and manage our shopping bill, than leave him to it. Therefore, all the crap food is not bought or bought in moderation and when it's gone it's gone. If he wants junk he can go and buy it, then normally slows down rubbish eating, because he doesn't want to go!

I have found working on one element at a time has worked, rather than finding fault with everything e.g. extending the range of veg. Going with the more of something good and less of the bad. Rather than you have to stop eating x, which can be a bit parent/ child dynamic. I totally get your reaction though. I have done it too. He gets stressed with work and we've had friends that are too young die or have strokes. I am sure you do this but I tell him I love him and I want us to grow old together and have many years of doing the things we have planned and watching our kids have their own families etc. That tends to get through to him.

My partner can get anaphylaxic shock from a food group and he doesn't take it seriously enough, because the food group is relatively rare but if he encounters a molcule of it, that's it. This is when I go full in parent/ child. I had to save his life a few months ago and it was scary. He is also borderline diabetic now so that has also focused the mind when it comes to food.

I have a healthy diet (so just offering a different perspective), but whenever my DP, who is obsessed with weight loss, gives me a lecture on the number of calories in the handful of nuts I've just eaten, I find it hugely off-putting. The decision has to be mine and mine alone. I actually find myself eating another pile of nuts out of being annoyed. I am just saying that some decisions have to come from the person him or herself.

This.
Once you said the kids have left I thought just leave him to his own fate.

My father in law had a diet like this and ended up with massive heart and liver problems and passed away at 70. He was overweight from late 40s onwards and really wasn’t bothered about eating healthily.
it must be hard watching a loved one do this to themselves, when you know it is going to significantly shorten their lifespan.

It's so depressing to be around this kind of eating. A family member had heart failure due to T1 diabetes and they'd mostly be on hospital wards with very overweight middle aged men. The majority of which had put themselves in hospital with a bad diet/sedentary lifestyle. Entirely preventable. A good portion would end up dead within 5 years (as did my family member) unless major changes were made.

You can’t change him. Just make other options available. He’ll probably live to his mid 80s and have the last 20 years incapacitated, diabetic and sitting in front of the TV waiting for his carers to arrive. Never will he grasp that it could have been different. You have to decide whether or not you want those years of your life to be tethered to him. I have literally been with people who just don’t believe the research and I have no idea why they think they’ll get a free pass.

That's really tough. I agree with PP that he is past the point of hearing you on this.

Could you perhaps make some dishes that are a halfway point, and offer them to him before he has a chance to cook his own dinner? I'm thinking Caesar salad with bacon bits and anchovies and dressing (at least it gets some lettuce into him) ... pasta with ratatouille type sauce including cut-up fried sausage.... chorizo and chickpea casserole.... Stuff that has the flavours he likes, but includes some veg.

This is the approach you'd take with a toddler, I realise, so maybe not appropriate - but if his health is really in danger, I wouldn't blame you for anything you tried.

Exactly this, I'm in the same position, but with grown up son, I'm definitely going to write, you can say things kindly and from love. Also they can't change your words to suit them, thank you @lammveg

Women are 'concerned' men are 'controlling' do you honestly think he doesn't know already?

Sounds a sitting duck for stroke, heart attack or DM & he's either in denial or genuinely believes it won't happen to him - most people don't until it hits them. Hard to say if you're better off leaving him to it (and thinking about whether you're willing to be his carer later on) or trying to gently tip the balance of the type of food in the house if you can. Very tricky.

You can't make someone change and you can't save them from themselves, but you can make them feel like you're the last person they can come to for support. You being very healthy probably isn't helpful in this context. You being judgemental about this, and thinking he's stupid definetly isn’t helping. Given your attitude in the past it's likely any comment by you no matter how 'nicely' you phase it will feel like an attack to him. Issues around food can be very complex and hard to deal with even if the person wants to make a change.

I know it must hurt a lot seeing a loved one doing this to themselves, it is incredibly sad and I feel for you, but he's not stupid, if only it were that simple. My stress response is shopping/food, never more than we could afford and I'm overweight not obese, but it used to piss my abusive XH off massively, his anger triggered a stress response that made me want to buy/eat something else to get that brief feeling of comfort and security. This is probably what your husband is seeking by eating the way he does, it's highly likely this is his way of coping with stress and bad feelings. When I’ve tried to change things, which I've done several times over the last 20 years I never discussed these attempts with then DH. Ive also never sought his support because I know like you he's judgemental and doesn't understand people who can't manage to stay a healthy weight.

It's so hard when you're with a partner and they do stuff like this (or similar, smoking, excessive drinking etc.)

I think it's fine to gently nudge them to healthier lifestyles without it being controlling - don't cook anything you wouldn't eat, don't buy the unhealthy stuff at the weekly shop if its you who does it. An adult conversation where you set out your concerns also seems fair enough.

Ultimately though you're watching a slow motion car crash, and if they won't change you're free to leave if you don't want to be part of that. If you love them so much it doesn't matter, then you stay. You do have power in this situation - it's just probably limited to stay/go.

In effect, he's as addicted to eating like this as an alcoholic is to booze or a smoker to cigarettes. And you can tell him al you like that it needs to stop but he wont' stop until HE wants to stop.

Oh dear.
He's an adult, better to leave him to it.

Have a very careful think about whether you want to spend your later life being his carer.

I'd be out I'm afraid.
You'll end up looking after him.

My partner was just like this, I repeatedly asked him to eat healthier like me, and to do some exercise. In 2023 whilst on holiday, he had an out of the blue, shortness of breath episode, he wouldn't let me get any help, it passed and we returned home. Following that I asked him on several occasions to see a Dr and tell them what happened, he told me I was nagging and to stop going on. My friend also asked him to see Dr, he told her to stop nagging too. I even had an argument with him telling him he was selfish, and he was no good to us dead,.....that conversation now haunts me. 6 weeks ago he had a massive stroke and passed away , at 62 years old. I am left picking up the pieces, with a teenage daughter and his elderly mother who is in a care home. It's a mess, I have moments of grief and anger as this could of been avoided. But he was a grown man, and you can't make someone do something they don't want to do.