Husband just accused me of 'lecturing him'.

[bluedelphiniums]

My husband has an consisently unhealthy diet - think red meat, salami, sausages & cheese pretty much every day, accompanied by coleslaw and tomatoes which are his only nod to vegetables. He will eat fruit occasionally if pushed, but never through choice. He drinks lager, or fizzy low sugar (& sometimes high sugar) drinks, never water. He had a health scare 2 years ago, and was found to have dangerously high blood pressure & extremely high cholesterol, plus poor heart health (slow to recover after a stress related ECG). He is overweight and refuses point blank to exercise. Tonight, as I watched him eating very fatty pork chops again, I asked him (I believe gently) whether he would every consider changing his diet to try and reduce his cholesterol naturally, rather than by relying on medication. His response was 'here we go again, stop bloody lecturing me' and he walked out of the room. I realise discussing his health is a giant red flag and therefore made sure I didn't say 'You need to do....' but instead I put it to him as a question. Bottom line is, he says that his medication is sorting him out, so he doesn't need to improve his health. I find it so hard to deal with that sort of stupid, and yes, I'll admit, over the last couple of years, I've probably said that to him. But tonight I was careful with my words. Do I just back off entirely and watch him destroy his body? I've tried so many versions of trying to encourage him to eat more healthily/do some exercise and it all falls on deaf ears.

In that case I think I would do the “darling I don’t mean to nag it’s just I love you so much and I want a future with you” and if that doesn’t work maybe scissors in the middle of the night ;)

People who eat healthily often think it's a lack of education and understanding in others that causes them to make poor food choices. So they think telling them is all that's required. But this can come across as pompous and insulting, hence the preaching and lecturing accusations. People who eat unhealthy food often know its unhealthy, they live in the same world, they have seen the same messages. But they have difficulty resisting, it's the instant reward overtaking - we all mostly love chocolate and know the instant pleasure. A lot is rooted in childhood, pleasure reward etc. If you're eating healthily, you were probably encouraged to from a young age, and you see long term reward rather than immediate instinct. People are fighting nature and nurture, genetics plays its part, obesityruns in families. The instant gratification of unhealthy food is also addictive, the more you get, the more you crave.
The handy part is the less you have of it, the less you crave. Breaking the cycle is the tough bit, it involves denying yourself of what you initially want. If you've got the resolve to hold out and change, you get over the craving and even enjoy healthy food and no longer crave the crap. But you're fighting a lifetime of indulgence initially, that is a hard ask. It's a battle that goes on in probably every overweight person's mind. Sometimes being in a group helps. Support is needed and positive reinforcement to help resist urges. Geez its a lot, I'm glad I eat healthily already - except for the 3 mochi cheesecake ice creams I just ate lol. Nobody's perfect.

It was very hard. She really loved him.
His children loved him but he ate nothing but takeaways, and sweets from when his children were young and just kept gaining weight. He drank a bit too.

They had a lovely life, home, great friends.
The family GP was ignored and had been clearly warning his health was at risk.
His collapse was still a huge shock and no one could believe its severity.
This is all second hand information I might add.
During the long long months of visiting and supporting him, she found her anger and the dawning realisation that she alone was going to be left with his sole care, adapt their home, hoists etc.

She didn't feel that she deserved the future as it looked to her, just turning 50 and caring for a man that had done exactly as he pleased for 20 years and to hell with his wife and children.

Her children were surprisingly understanding when she explained that she would not be able to look after him, that he would need to go to a facility.

They divorced and the house was sold.
This is 10 years on and he is still living in the facility. I think it took him a long time to accept just how badly he messed up.
Its no life for a person
His children are late 20's and live abroad.
His wife lives her life, still working at a career she loves.
She has never had any other relationship.

I too believe she was very brave to say no to being his carer. She has said that she was his carer for the previous 20 years of asking him to mind himself, eat well, etc.
She found it all enormously stressful to witness the slow car crash of his health.
She realised she was done and their marriage was over.
She has never regretted her decision but remained angry on behalf of her children for what they lost.

His was a wake up call and salutary tale among a wide circle of friends and colleagues.

Well this is the exact point. No one needs to sign up for being a carer to someone who's consistently made poor choices and ruined their own health.

But it's also why you can't tell another adult what to do. You can only control your own response by either staying or walking away. That's the decision the OP has to make.

Very like my late husband except he didn’t drink but he smoked. Had a heart attack at 44 and died age 67. Wouldn’t listen to advice of doctors etc. I gave up in the end!

Get insurance on him.

How old is he OP?

Instead of versions of what you've tried that don't work, I'm wondering if you offered to do the food shop and the cooking and only offered healthy meals, if that might help. And if your husband questions your food choices, just say you felt like a change and he can always cook for himself if he wants to. People do tend to think that a healthy diet doesn't taste as good as a bad diet because high sugar, salt and fat are all quite addictive, but people do like what they are used to so a good diet when it's been established does taste good, as well as making you feel better

Make sure he has life insurance.

So you really didn't read what she wrote?

Yes, I did read what she said, OHcantthinkofaname, but have only just seen what she said yesterday, about her husband 'cooking for himself and turning down her offer of cooking for him', but I shouldn't think that she will go out of her way to comment on my comment which was well meant, not being very helpful.

@Opentooffers he was slim when I met him, but was a v heavy smoker and drinker so food wasn't really on his radar. He has such an addictive personality that when he cut back the booze and gave up fags, he substituted it with food I think. He is pretty much surgically attached to his vape... But you're right, his whole lifestyle is a massive turn off (plus he now has ED - don't know if that's down to the meds or the weight gain).

Does he have familial hyperlipidemia? If he does the food is less the problem than you think I went on an ultra low fat diet and my cholesterol increased my doc told me if ever there was an international shortage of cholesterol I was the answer !!

My OH is exactly the same, OP, apparently there’s such a thing as an addictive personality and he has one with food and alcohol and unfortunately it’s had a major impact on his health now and we’re all dealing with the consequences. How old is he OP?

that does indeed sound dysfunctional op @bluedelphiniums

This

He has a right to treat his own body how ever he likes but he should put provisions in place to ensure you don’t suffer financially after he’s gone due to his lifestyle.

His ED is probably due to blood pressure meds like Ramperil. I originally thought you meant Eating Disorder. And that's what this sounds like. He has a really unhealthy relationship with food. I think the more you mention it, the worse it will get. Unfortunately I suspect he needs to want help and realise things for himself. I'm surprised his GP hasn't said something.

plus he now has ED - don't know if that's down to the meds or the weight gain

Or age. It’s very common in older men.

Is he on beta blockers ? If so, that’s probably the cause of the ED.

Not beta blockers, but a selection of blood pressure meds plus statins. He's 57.

His GP has been crap as far as I can ascertain - basically said to him that high blood pressure is so common in men of his age, and his meds will sort him out, no suggestions of lifestyle/diet change (or at least, that's according to DH).

Avoid talking to him while he is eating.
Wait for a moment not connected to any particular meal where you can talk about your concerns for his health. Focusing on your worry for his health will help

I don’t believe your DH. The advice is usually that lifestyle changes should be made alongside the medication, to reduce blood pressure naturally, otherwise the amount of medication needed to control it increases over time. The medication is there to help, but it’s never recommended to rely on it to the extent where you don’t bother to look at your habits.

I believe it. My bloke has a very similar profile. At no point was weight loss suggested or any lifestyle changes.