Husband just accused me of 'lecturing him'.

[bluedelphiniums]

My husband has an consisently unhealthy diet - think red meat, salami, sausages & cheese pretty much every day, accompanied by coleslaw and tomatoes which are his only nod to vegetables. He will eat fruit occasionally if pushed, but never through choice. He drinks lager, or fizzy low sugar (& sometimes high sugar) drinks, never water. He had a health scare 2 years ago, and was found to have dangerously high blood pressure & extremely high cholesterol, plus poor heart health (slow to recover after a stress related ECG). He is overweight and refuses point blank to exercise. Tonight, as I watched him eating very fatty pork chops again, I asked him (I believe gently) whether he would every consider changing his diet to try and reduce his cholesterol naturally, rather than by relying on medication. His response was 'here we go again, stop bloody lecturing me' and he walked out of the room. I realise discussing his health is a giant red flag and therefore made sure I didn't say 'You need to do....' but instead I put it to him as a question. Bottom line is, he says that his medication is sorting him out, so he doesn't need to improve his health. I find it so hard to deal with that sort of stupid, and yes, I'll admit, over the last couple of years, I've probably said that to him. But tonight I was careful with my words. Do I just back off entirely and watch him destroy his body? I've tried so many versions of trying to encourage him to eat more healthily/do some exercise and it all falls on deaf ears.

You might have been careful about your words, but your timing sucked!

If I'm enjoying my dinner, the last thing I want is a lecture about it. I'm not stupid, I know it's unhealthy, but I'm enjoying it. You start berating me while I'm eating it, I'm not going to enjoy it and now I've just eaten unhealthy crap for no good reason.

Talk to him about it another time by all means, but it may just be that enjoying food now is just more important to him than living a long life.

He had a health scare 2 years ago, and was found to have dangerously high blood pressure & extremely high cholesterol, plus poor heart health (slow to recover after a stress related ECG). He is overweight and refuses point blank to exercise.

I seriously doubt that this is ‘following doctor’s advice’ !!

You are lecturing him though @bluedelphiniums , and treating him like a child. Of course he is getting defensive. NO-ONE likes to be told what to do, and someone taking a dig at what you eat is infuriating. I mean his way of eating is not brilliant, but talking to him like he's stupid isn't helping him. YABU.

I would agree on getting the legal side sorted - POA and life insurance, I'd say income protection insurance as well.

Then let him be. He's a grown up. At some point a friend of his will have some major health crisis and at that point he may take action, by which time he will be battling a mountain. At least he is taking the medication- he's not wrong that that is important.

@Rosscameasdoody the OP was suggesting that he cease his cholesterol medication and instead try to treat it ‘naturally’. That doesn’t sound like a very good idea to me.

Yes he drinks and is overweight, the OP stated that in her first post. For someone with a heart condition, high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol his diet is appalling and a sure fire way to drop down dead at any moment, how on earth you think his diet doesn't sound terrible is beyond belief.

You do not back off - if you are married in the true meaning of the word, then his body is yours and your body is his - i.e. you are one. He is abusing YOUR body, by which I mean that if you are truly married, you will be with him 'for richer, for poorer', etc. i.e. YOU will pick up the pieces of his bad health. I gave up a dangerous sport at the request of my husband and he did give up fishing in dangerous countries exactly because of that - you will be pushing him in a wheelchair after a stroke because he is not over-indulging in rich foods. You will be looking after him at the expense of your own rest when he is immobilised. You will be bearing the brunt of all the horrible procedures and drives to hospital, and sleepless nights because of what? Because he can't stop stuffing his face? It is the same as alcoholism - the wives and the children are the victims, not the drunkard. Do not back off and explain to him that he has to change his diet for the predictable reason that before he finally dies, it will be a very tough time for you (and your dc) when he is bed-bound after a stroke.

I have health conditions and diet issues. I know what the issues are. I don't need anyone telling me.

She wasn’t suggesting that he stop his cholesterol medication, she was suggesting that he try to reduce it naturally by diet, so that he doesn’t max out on the medication. My relative had exactly the same advice from his GP about his cholesterol and his type 2 diabetes. He relies heavily on medication while he uses ‘the meds are sorting it out’ as an excuse to continue with his suicidal lifestyle. He’s been told several times if he doesn’t sort his diet out there will be no medication options left - the more you rely on medication the less effective the body’s own systems become.

But do you push the responsibility for those health conditions and diet issues onto someone else ? If OP’s husband carries on like this it will only be a matter of time before he has a major health event or chronic illness and OP will end up his carer. He clearly does know what the issues are but he’s ignoring them - he won’t be able to do that for very long. Actions have consequences.

You're kidding. Lots of fatty food, processed meats etc are terrible for you. Then there is all the fizzy, sugar-laden drinks, beer and no water. Plus very few vegetables and fruit. I'd say that's an awful diet long term.

but I have good old eggs ham and chips once aweek but the difference is chips are from celeriac veg ,deep fried in butter or lard or beef dripping

In the context of a healthy diet, it’s not the potatoes that are the enemy. Even swapped out for healthy celeriac chips, it’s the butter, lard and beef dripping that are doing the damage, not good old spuds.

My DH is similar. He'll order McD's or eat packs of pork pies etc as his evening snack and drinks way, way above recommended alcohol amounts (wine, whisky). He has been put on statins and other medication as he didn't make the lifestyle changes advised by health professionals . Unfortunately he took the medication as a green light to continue his unhealthy eating and drinking patterns.

Every now and then I'll give him a bit of a lecture pep talk - which does involve me telling him the most likely outcome is he will have years of ill health.

But at the end of the day, he is a grown man and has to take decisions and actions for himself.

He does exercise though - so I imagine that helps .

The difference between good old potatoes and celeriac is potatoes are high in carbs which are sugars, celeriac is very low carb, butter, beef dripping are natural fats nothing added not like chemical induce ( spreads, that taste like butter? Or half fat cheese) what do you think they are replacing the fat with ??, so yes, butter, lard and likes of don't do damage like all the other chemicals

Looks like you've two choices - which you can tell him....

Option 1. You lecture/inform him and persuade him to eat healthily with you.

Option 2. Start picking funeral hymns together.

My FIL dropped dead at 55 quite some years ago. Diagnosis of health wasn't as advanced or prominent then nor the understanding of how diet can affect health.

Who does the grocery shopping/cooking? If it's you there's a really simple way to address this.
My partner has been on chicken sausages instead of pork ones for months without noticing.
The coleslaw also went to homemade with sykr/lemon juice/seasoning instead of mayo, with little realisation.

Tbh, I'd find his lifestyle deeply unattractive in a man, especially if progressively becoming more overweight. His lack of interest or inability to exercise is a turn off too. Think the love life would be gone as a result.
You met later in life by the sounds of it, so was he always like this or has he deteriorated over the years?

I can see both sides of this. About 10 months ago I was diagnosed with very high cholesterol. Yes I was overweight but I also have a knackered thyroid which means I am much more prone to high cholesterol than other people. The immediate response of the GP was to reach for the prescription pad and offer statins. It was me who had to ask about lifestyle changes and her response was "you can try that if you want, come back in 3 months and we'll do another blood test". No advice on what to eat less of (red meat, cheese, butter, pastries, cakes, biscuits) or what to eat more of (salmon, mackerel, avocado, olive oil, oats). It was left entirely up to me to do the research and work it out for myself.

So in my direct experience statins are sold as the solution, take the statins and you don't need to make the lifestyle changes.

Have been in that situation.
Final comment to the man on this topic was -

“you are living a really unhealthy lifestyle and
refusing to see GP or make changes is a mistake.

You need to look after yourself, it’s not my job. If you don’t care - then i don’t care either. “

The end. (He didn’t change)

Cannot believe the low-carb fanatics are advocating that people with heart issues or high cholesterol use beef dripping, butter and lard.

Fucks sake.

Wonderful. Cut out the potatoes because of the damage caused by storing the unused carbs in the body as sugar. But replace them with healthier carbs, deep fried in artery clogging, heart attack inducing fats.

Listen, OP, no one can blame you for being concerned, or even expressing your concern, but he isn't going to change because you think he should. It is what it is until he decides it shouldn't be.

You don't have to enable it, but you do have to decide if it's a dealbreaker for you and stop thinking that you can ignite change.

I have a friend whose has a male friend who I will call Paul. My friend and Paul were both overweight with big builds. A few years ago my friend said to Paul I think we both need to lose some weight otherwise we will end up with health issues like diabetes.
Paul said so what if I get diabetes.

My friend went on to lose 4 stone. She put back on some of this weight but went back to slimming world. She has about another stone to go. At her target weight I think she will be 6- 7 stone lighter than her heaviest weight.

Paul did nothing about his weight. He now has type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep anopia. He not watching what he eats or losing weight. He has ended up in hospital several times due to off the chats heart rate. He had heart tests recently and was told he needs to go on GLP 1 medication like ozempic and lose weight.
My friend and him hooked up recently and ended up in bed together. He could not keep it up and said it was due to the blood pressure medication. My friend could see that he was still very big and the effect his weight has on his life.

My friend said it hard chatting to men about their weight. The reality is that you not nagging them but you concerned about them and their weight. If your with a man and you have a family you both need to do what you can to stay healthy as your child or children need you.
I think that you should say this to your husband. I would also say that your worried about him and his health and he needs to make changes.

I think some men hear lose weight and think great a load of salads and no sweets or pints.
The reality is that you won't lose weight starving yourself or depriving yourself. I stop buying the fatty meats ect.

I know that slimming world have men only classes as well and I have seen men lose several stone going to slimming world and making changes. With syns each day they can still have the odd pint, a bit of chocolate or the odd takeaway. They can still have meat that lean not the fatty chops ect.

I think as well that you could tell your husband he needs to go to the doctor for a check up. Get a few of his friends that have not seen him in a while to meet him and say to him god you put on a lot of weight. Get the kids to tell daddy he is fat in front of people.

Tell him that you want to get some life insurance and he needs a medical for this. Tell him he needs to get this because when he drops dead from a heart attack you need the money to bring up his kids. I think in some situations you have to be that blunt with some men.

Unless he is willing to lose weight and make changes I would tell him straight out it going to end your marriage. It not been mean but why should you hang around to end up caring for him and trying to mange his diabetes in a few years. Then you don't want him dying at a young age and being left with his kids to bring up.

I know 2 woman this happened to and both men had heart attacks. It had a major effect on the wives and children. The wives have had to sort out a lot of things and then go back into the workforce full time along with dealing with their loss and upset children.

Agree. I don’t think using butter instead of low fat spreads is necessarily unhealthy because spreads are ultra processed and contain trans fats to keep them solid at room temperature, so butter is a healthier, more natural option. That said, it should be used in moderation. But lard and dripping ? It doesn’t make any sense to replace high carb potatoes with a healthier option to lower the impact on the body, and then deep fry them in something almost guaranteed to clog your arteries and cause heart problems.

Ask yourself do you love him enough to become his full time carer. Bad enough to have to cope with it when someone is unlucky with their health, but when it's self induced I'd suggest the resentment will be crushing.