DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

[Anthologist]

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

I'd take myself out for the evening.

My DH has done this ONCE before assuming I'd cook. I didn't cook, and took myself off to the pub. He was embarrassed.

He now knows I need minimum 1 weeks notice.

it’s likely this lovely “French”girlfriend’s expectations are in the gutter anyway!

I agree you should go out so that there is in no doubt that you had nothing to do with dinner 😂

Very pleased to hear you’ve stood your ground. Hopefully he won’t try to pull that one again!

Just go out, it’s not even your problem.

What has ADHD got to do with this? Do we list any other irrelevant disabilities about people when posting disparagingly about them? Or is it just autism and ADHD we're allowed to do that with?

I can’t really see the problem so long as he’s cooking. Just enjoy your evening? Or do you dislike them all?

Unusual they would bill you later for drinks!!

I think he's right about the inflexibility of never wanting anyone over on the spur of the moment, but when you do that you order a takeaway, or give them supermarket pizza, that he picks up.

FWIW I also think FF is right to continue with their plan to see each other.

Fucking hell, call one of your own friends and arrange to go to the pub.

LOL, I aupaired in France. They did not cook much. I cooked for them. When we went to the neighbours, it was all barbecue, salad, cheese and wine. When they came to our house, I made them their own cuisine with the hors deuvre, main and hand beaten creme caramel. LOL.

When she cooked for us we had stuffed sea bass with fondant potatoes, samphire and veg with sauce with lemon and butter. Also a clafoutis. It was lovely.

Whether you go out or not, make sure Mr Conviviality cleans up the kitchen and puts on the dishwasher before he goes to bed.

Throw in some fancy dress and it sounds like an intriguing murder mystery evening.
"The French Girlfriend" - perhaps with a beret?
"No Tomato Jo" (love this description!)
"The Flake with a horse cock"
"The Fun Sponge (you just come as you are, apparently)"
All assembled by the eccentric host - but who will fall prey to his "miserable bean stew?!"
I'm guessing there will be more than one casualty this evening!!

Yes, absolutely he was VVVU to invite people round without notice. But he’s picked it up and is cooking/hosting. (As he damn well should!)

Up to you if you want to make yourself scarce. If I was knackered and not in the mood to People then I’d take myself to the cinema, definitely. If I was feeling more sociable, I’d whisk a cloth round the downstairs loo then sit back and put myself in charge of the wine.

As PP said, a conversation when you’re the other side of this about mismatched surprise dinner guest expectations would be in order.

BTW I’m veggie and I’m having a butter bean based curry tonight and it’s bloody yummy, so it’s not a terrible late-notice midweek meal choice to accommodate a vegan and Mrs No Tomatoes.

Just go with the flow, enjoy the evening, does it really matter what guests think of the food and I’m sure your loos are already clean. Loosen up, have a laugh and enjoy the company.

You're being unreasonable. Typically MN inhospitable and inflexible.

Why on earth did you not get a takeaway in? Job done. No cooking, everyone happy.

Going forward?

Are you suggesting that it is the OP's responsibility to stock up a cupboard and freezer full of handy ingredients and meals in advance, ready for the next time her DP invites unexpected guests round with next to no notice?

Typical MN poster who can't be arsed to read all the OP's posts.

I mean you’re not wrong, but blimey are you impressed by the girlfriend. To a level I’d deem unhealthy and a little creepy.

I was expecting a quiet evening on my own. I was actually planning to have a good old go at my feet and toenails. Instead of which, without consultation, I've got four people coming for dinner and all the palaver that involves. Our last guests left on Monday and I'm still in recovery mode. But if you don't see the problem that's fine. I'm taking it you don't share a home and decisions with someone else on a regular basis?

You haven't met her – and you haven't met him and thought 'Really?'

Do you remember when we'd all change our MM handles to what you've typed in your post @GoTigers? Ah the good old days 😂

good point

two separate bills?!

I'm off to have a shower. I may or may not be back.

This. Or get a takeaway. No need for a drama.🙄

Yes you mention her in nearly every single post. It’s very odd.