DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

[Anthologist]

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

I’d be really angry in your shoes, OP - my dad used to do similar to mum and it pissed me off to no end (although she enabled him by actually making the food, anyway. I’d have refused).
As PP said, probably best for you to go out and leave them to it, if he can’t be considerate enough to give you enough notice.

I agree, but she delivered a really good, simple but delicious dinner a couple of weeks ago and you know, the old English-French rivalry and all the stuff about French gastronomy. I suppose part of the fascination is what she seems in FF, who's good looking and cheery and very clever in his own way, but would drive me made because this is fairly typical of him. What kind of logic says that because DP can't come over to his, FF and his girlfriend will head over here?

How did flakey friend bag such a goddess ? Does he have a horse cock?

Ah. This thread is like MM of old!

Flakey Friends
Hands Down Loos
Last Minute Guests
Stupid Husbands
’CANCEL, CANCEL, CANCEL!’
Miserable Stew
Goddess Girlfriends

and… Horse Cocks.

Marvellous stuff!

@kindlyensure

its easy to be a convivial host when you know someone else will clean the bogs though isn’t it?

We paid for Sunday lunch because we'd been unable to attend a big birthday party that one of our guests had invited us to: it was an altenative birthday lunch for her and so as we'd arranged it, we paid for it. But hosting costs, and because we have a couple of spare rooms and live somewhere people like to visit (countryside, views, hills to climb, rivers to fish in) we do seem to end up with guests most months.

His lovely nice posh French girlfriend! 😂

OP, I’d go out. Honestly, just go. Your dp is truly an idiot in this case, and his food sounds shite.

I used to get stressed about this kind of thing. And yes, for my husband it was massive bone of contention, that he felt he could never invite people over impromptu, without me going into a meltdown over things like cleaning loos. As I have got older, I have noticed he is right, most people really don't care about that kind of thing. Nor do they care about fancy cooking. They care about enjoying your company, having a laugh together and passing the time. It is so much easier to live this way than constantly worrying about what others think of me.

I’d be annoyed too but people are generally just happy to be fed and have company. Pour some wine if you’ve got any left and enjoy the evening! (And if miserable bean stew is any good I’d be interested in the recipe!)

how many people came and you went out for sunday lunch or you catered?

LOL, I aupaired in France. They did not cook much. I cooked for them. When we went to the neighbours, it was all barbecue, salad, cheese and wine. When they came to our house, I made them their own cuisine with the hors deuvre, main and hand beaten creme caramel. LOL.

6 for under £200 for lunch! including booze

wow, that was cheap

Read my earlier responses.

so for all other times you entertain

you clean the bogs and prepare all the food?

yes i can’t believe your bill was under £200 for sunday lunch for 6 plus alcohol and (hopefully) tip

Sure husband can invite any one to our home but he knows damn well I'm not doing any impromptu cooking/cleaning he also knows i'm going to grab a take away, a book and stay in our bedroom, if I dont want to host. I do not care what people think. He's a fully grown capable adult, they're his guests not ours so the hosting is solely on him but not once in the decades we've been together has he ever pulled anything like that. He'll ask if its ok for so and so to pop in for a drink but "cooking" will be planned out. Go grab a drink and a takeaway and let him fend for himself.

Go out.

the only thing that matters OP is that everyone knows it was him who cooked the food

I'd forgotten to add in the wine and beers and the coffees afterwards so you need to add another £100+. I was designated driver, so I just had soda and lime...

I would 💯 go out in these circumstances. I would have a little tidy round and clean the loos though, wouldn’t be able to help myself

He definitely shouldn't assume you'd cook. But if he's going to do the cooking then it's on him and it's unreasonable to get worked up because it's going to reflect badly on you some how. You need to detach yourself from this and not feel responsible. No-one else is holding your responsible. I think it's quite nice to do relaxed, impromptu dinners where no-one has got too worked up about putting on a special show. A take-away would have been fine. But actually not so easy if someone is a vegan and someone else doesn't eat tomatoes.

Try and relax and enjoy it. But if you really aren't in the mood for visitors tonight it would be fine to make yourself scarce and ask DP to tell them you already had other plans.

I agree with DH that he should be able to invite people round if he likes, provided he is not expecting anything from you.

Just make sure everyone knows that HE made the food. Greet them breezily at the door on your way out, tell them to enjoy his best efforts, and off you go!

ok

I don't even like beans much, though I admire his ingenuity with the peanut butter.

Stop for a drink. Drop into conversation that DP has been cooking, isn’t he clever to have found and sourced such an interesting recipe [subtext- this monstrosity is nothing to do with you]. Then go out to the cinema/ pub/ drive thru (making it clear that you booked earlier this week) and leave them to it.