DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

[Anthologist]

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

Forget going out for dinner. Book yourself a swanky hotel and have a wonderful pamper evening

OP, I've loved reading your posts. Totally get where you're coming from & loved the Fancy French girlfriend references. Ignore any posters who just don't get it.

I think you sound like a pain, sorry. Your husband is cooking and yet you're still whining.

Such weird replies. Why would she need to go to a hotel for the night?! 😅
He has invited people over. For this time anyway, just get on with it.

Go out or order good take away sit back don’t apologise. It’s impromptu and if truly about the companionship it will be fine! Make it clear never again oh and gallons of booze then no one will remember anyway 😂

So you would just smile and get on with it having planned a quiet evening due to DPs plans you are now faced with entertaining guests with no prior warning! What a saint

Do you live in Stepford?

This is madness why do you have to pay an entire weekends food bill for family and shame on them for not contributing outrageous. So from that to bean stew? This is not convivial it is crazy. You need to talk I had a friend who always had to be with company because basically they were bored if just with partner. Not saying this applies but entertaining is expensive and not fun if left to you to clean the house and cater etc Bring a bottle and a contributing dish maybe but my dinner party days went out with Abigail’s !

Completely understand your feelings regarding house food and entertaining. , The weirdos who don’t get the humour obviously have never had a gourmet nemesis lol or read much.

It is his home too and he’s done the cooking. He’s expecting nothing from you 🙄

Really!? 😂

Stories like this one make me really glad I'm not middle class.

What do you mean?

Excuse me? At what point does she say what (outdated system and terminology of) class she is?

@Anthologist I agree it is a pain that you was put in that situation and had to cook some food.

However I must address your absolutely disgusting discrimination towards someone with ADHD by calling them “Flaky aka FF”. FIFTEEN TIMES in your post!

I have ADHD/Autism as does my son. I have put up with 40 years of bullying and abuse because I’m “FLAKY”. I attempted to end my life because of this 8 years ago. Because of people like you that thinks it’s ok to discriminate an invisible disability with care in the world. Would you do the same to a visible disability??

Maybe you should educate yourself before you think you are “qualified” to call ADHD as “FLAKY”.

My cousin has severe cerebral palsy….are you gonna refer to her as a spastic?? Because that’s basically what you have called ADHD

By calling people who are ADHD “flaky” is mental and emotional abuse. Are you aware mental and emotional abuse is a criminal offence??

*Fuckitletshavevino *it would surely be very upsetting to have someone address you to your face as flaky. However, the OP hasn't said this or anything like it to her DP's friend.

People are going to perceive us how they perceive us. I'm autistic and know that many people have perceived me as a massively awkward weirdo. I try not to dwell on it, because they are ALLOWED to perceive me like that - we can't dictate how others think of us. All we can do is hope they don't say it to our faces, and thankfully mostly they don't, at least in my case. I'm sorry to hear your experience has been different.

My cousin has severe cerebral palsy….are you gonna refer to her as a spastic?? Because that’s basically what you have called ADHD

Bollocks to that. And FF would say the same. He talks openly about struggling to behave 'normally' (his word, not mine). He tells people when he meets them that he has ADHD and that he knows his behaviour can be challenging. He tells people that they should never rely on him for anything important because he can't promise to deliver, even if he swears he will. He uses the F(laky)-word about himself because he's an intelligent and insightful man who understands that his behaviour can sometimes be difficult for others to understand and deal with. We love him: we can see how hard life can be for him particularly when he's off his meds. He is our flaky friend. Friend being the operative word.

I'm really sorry you've been bullied and you're unhappy but accusing me of being abusive is so wide of the mark it's laughable. We stick with FF: we go with the flow when that's possible, like Thursday night. We're not the people you should be angry with.

And of course I would never call your cousin that word.

Your post is completely off the mark @Fuckitletshavevino

The spirit of Barbara lives! The great doyenne of romance reclining on a pink perfumed cloud fluttering her lashes, none other than the grande dame herself, Barbara Cartland floats down from her pink palace in the sky to walk once more among us.

@GladSatsumaShark no it really isn’t. The OP has discriminated people with ADHD FIFTEEN TIMES in ONE PARAGRAPH! It’s absolutely disgusting. Would it be ok if she done that about someone with a visual disability??? NO BECAUSE SHE WOULD BE BANNED!!!

@GladSatsumaShark would it be ok if her husbands friend had cerebral palsy like my beautiful cousin and she referred to him as SP (spastic friend). No it absolutely would not so please don’t tell me I’m wrong for pointing out the disgusting “flaky” aka ADHD reference is ok. You clearly think like OP and I’m ashamed that there are still people like you both that think it’s acceptable.

Take a breath and get your RSD back in check.

I've got ADHD and recognise exactly what OP is saying and also spend my time helping the people around me help me. It's having insight into what may cause issues.

FF is obv loved and accepted and that's a good thing to have in your friends.

It’s not what she is saying though. I doubt anyone would say that. I have a dear friend who has two lovely teenagers with cerebral palsy. And lots of friends with ADHD.