DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

[Anthologist]

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

@GladSatsumaShark you are correct her post was about being inconvenienced when she actually wasn’t because her husband cooked. That doesn’t excuse the fact she referred to ADHD as “flaky”. As I first said I tried to end my life 8 years ago because of people like her calling us “flaky”. I was smacked and whacked for being different, I’ve suffered sexual abuse and that’s as a child. As an adult I’ve been beaten black and blue by partners because I’m “FLAKY”. Educate yourselves on neurodiversity before you think you can even try to justify the OP’s post. It’s damn right discrimination and it has affected my mental health. Now that’s another abuse word to add to what I've been called. My point is it would NOT BE APPROPRIATE to call my beautiful cousin a spastic but it’s ok to call me flaky?

It sounds like you’ve had it tough, you’ve been through a lot and I’m sorry about that.
Still, noone is calling your cousin anything, or you anything.

YANBU.

The cheek of him.
You're not an extension of his (dysfunctional) personality or an extra pair of arms attached to his body.

Either make yourself scarce tonight (go to the cinema perhaps) or tap your glass with your knife and ask everyone to raise their glasses to toast the cook after everyone has had a few bites of the meal.

And stop cleaning loos and putting out hand towels for his freeloading family.

He invites = he cleans, plans, and prepares.

Your attacks are becoming irrational and a bit scary tbh. Please stop.

Popped on to read this one as it kept popping up near the top. Read all OP’s posts and wasn’t disappointed. Obvs have no opinion on the situation cause it is what it is but I do think you’re funny OP and have a way with words!
Sligh yawn at yet another MN thread descending in to bollocks because of the terminally offended. Oh when will it end.

I can’t tell if you’re joking? You’re way off the mark here

He’s the very definition of flaky. It doesn’t help to pretend that’s not true, or for everyone to know it’s true but never actually say it out loud to anyone except their most trusted friend. Nothing about behaving that way actually builds acceptance or a better society, it’s just oh I’m a good person because I pretend problems don’t exist.

Following up to say I just read a great article about a local council politician saying something like one ranga replacing another on the council, and someone else making a formal complaint. The aforementioned rangas protested the complaint saying they are proud rangas and the article is written by a ranga, also a proud ranga, bemoaning the cost and time of the complaint and cancel culture generally. This level of offended is a load of bullshit and there must be better things these people could do with their time, even if it’s just watching grass grow then at least it’s not taking up other peoples time. FF calls himself flaky, bloody well let the man describe himself how he wants to.

Order yourself a takeaway, Have a long soak in the bath then lock yourself in your bedroom with a good book or a movie on TV & let DP host is FF & Others. If anything is said say it was the night you had planned as DP was meant to be going out & you were looking forward to some peace & quiet.

@Goodtogossip

It was a couple of days ago now. The evening has been and gone.

Whats goin' on in 'ere....

Um, I think its ok for friends to use what are potentially derogatory terms if used towards strangers or even just people who do not consent to using that sort of language.

I have a Cripple Friend - we call each other 'crips', if I were to write a post that involved her I might well refer to her as Crip Friend or CF - doesn't mean I'd use that language about someone else, doesn't mean I'd be chuffed if someone ELSE used that language to her, or me, without us saying that's ok.

I have a friend with CP. The sexiest of the palsies as everyone knows. The words we may use to describe and refer to one another are our business, and acceptable to us. For the sake of not having this post hidden by MN auto-word-zapper, I won't say it here.

Sometimes when you read something and think 'thats offensive', you can also take a step back and see that 'it's also not about me, and isn't offensive to the people involved, in that context'.

My God, I’d go mad! I have ADHD so do have many weird traits and people turning up at my house unannounced or without sufficient notice for me to get used to the idea is a big no no, I would absolutely lose the plot and having to cook for them on top of all that would just hit me over the edge. If I were you, I would take my book go and find a quiet restaurant somewhere and take myself out for dinner. YADNBU

To call the person Flakey friend, when you already know this person has ADHD is so disrespectful. Regardless of the situation UABU.