DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

[Anthologist]

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

Join in with the dinner party like the other guests.

"Hello! Welcome! Yes! DH decided to make an impromptu dinner party and I'm fascinated to see what he's cooking for us all! Complete surprise for me too! Would anybody like another MASSIVE gin/wine?"

Then hand over all hosting, cooking and clearing duties to The Man Of The House, sit back, and enjoy.

YANBU at all. I felt stressed just reading this! The thought of cooking for 4 people would stress me out anyway, let alone last minute AND with dietary requirements. But since you’re not cooking, you can relax, enjoy your DH’s bean stew or pizza toast (😂) tonight and enjoy some company.

It's the end of the week. Because we live a 25-minute drive from a decent shopping area/ supermarket I tend to shop just once a week and top up where I can — if out and about. The relatives at the weekend ate us out of snacks and 'goodies' and there's no salad or 'potato things' left after the weekend. No potatoes at all, actually, we had baked potatoes last night.

I’m glad I’m not the only one questioning this dynamic.

I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned

This is the crux of it - you need to stop caring what anyone else thinks, it will be obvious that it's not you that planned or cooked this. Just sit at the table like one of the guests and let DP do it all (or do whatever he does when you are the cook).

The cost of hosting his family and drinking 14 bottles of your wine(!?!) is another conversation entirely and probably not one to have tonight. I'm a bit prone to this and when we were younger DH had to have a few conversations with me that in the UK it was ok to split the bill or even accept other people paying for us, we couldn't afford to host every time. I was brought up with the culture where you fight tooth and nail over paying and sneak away to the toilets to pay the whole bill secretly so it was very difficult for me to accept this!

This, go out and leave him to it.

Just tell him that you have been invited to your friend/family's house for an impromptu meal, what a coincidence!
Ring friend, order takeaway and off you pop!
I would definitely be leaving my husband on his own for this one!

That’s the friend’s LOVELY girlfriend to you.

and you did all that prep

and presumably they stayed the night? or taxis?

Chinese takeaway...
Its really no massive deal

He's waiting/expecting you to step in, he thinks you won't be able to cope with him doing it.
I would leave the house now and not come back until they are due to arrive. I would then make lots of comments about how great it is for DH to cook and host!

Of course you're not being unreasonable.
Personally, I would have left him a takeaway menu then gone out for the evening with a friend.

🤣🤣🤣

Oh gosh it all sounds very stressful.

But.... people need the convivial hosts and they need the loo cleaners. Sounds like you make a great team!

I think maybe you need to give FF’s French girlfriend less headspace.

This. Don't be a martyr, just walk out of the door and leave him to it.

presumably they are due to arrive shortly?

so what you going to do?

He's waiting/expecting you to step in. What are you doing???? How will he ever improve or learn if you just step in and rescue him? Say you've been invited to someone else's for dinner and leave!

Yes. £35 x 6 plus drinks. I guess two of those six was us, but even so... Gosh, I don't want to sound mean and penny-pinching, I'm just a bit aware of how much things cost at the moment. My salary hasn't gone up in line with costs (like everyone else's, I know)

I'd leave the boys to it, and arrange with the girlfriend to go out somewhere for a fancy glass of wine or two and a bit of tasty dinner 🥂🍾

Honestly, the more I think about this, the more annoyed I am.

He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

Is it not also your home?! He invited people against your express wishes and then shouted at you for having the temerity to not want to be responsible for magically producing an
appropriate meal. He then invited even more people, just to properly show you who is boss.

You’re severely under reacting to this. Please go out. In the name of self respect.

Your DH is being completely unreasonable @Anthologist.

And ex of mine did this very thing to me many years ago. A couple, who were fantastic cooks, hosted a really wonderful meal (local to their French city) and we really enjoyed it. One evening, quite shortly after, my asshat of an ex announces one afternoon that he has invited them around for dinner. He refused to cancel and I refused to cook. I went out and came back just before they arrived and it was one of the most embarrassing evenings of my life. I love to cook and host but I also need some notice and particularly when hosting someone who has taken great care to host me.

Order a nice takeaway and get some nice wine in (and your husband can pay). What is going to serve sounds like slop and is basically insulting your guests.

Or you can take yourself out to a nice restaurant for the evening. I wish I had at the time as I felt mortified.

I have second rage on your behalf as it's really inconsiderate of your husband.

Go out for tea... Go to the cinema??

I would definitely disappear for the evening, otherwise he'll drop you in it and you'd have a completely mortifying night. You'll never recover!

Sure he can invite whoever he wants - but he can cater to them and cook himself. The nerve 😂