Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

465 replies

Anthologist · 29/08/2024 16:39

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

OP posts:
Tbry24 · 30/08/2024 12:04

Either go out or if you like the people, not sure you do, order a takeaway

diddl · 30/08/2024 12:06

Wonder why it didn't occur to Op to order a takeaway?
😂😂😂😂😂😂

BusyMum47 · 30/08/2024 12:10

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 29/08/2024 16:42

Go out for tea, leave him to it.

Apologise to FF, LFG, the vegan one and no-tomato-Jo and say that, as you were expecting DP to be out, you had made plans.

Take a book. Go to the cinema. Have a lovely evening!

This! This! This! ⬆️

I'd tell my other half to eff off & leave him to it!!

Howdull · 30/08/2024 12:12

how did it go OP?

PulpFaction · 30/08/2024 12:17

Webbing · 30/08/2024 10:29

You are minimising here and making excuses for your DHs behaviour. Expect more eruptions of rage until you address this as this behaviour on both your parts is set to repeat.

This.

Drop the rope and don't engage. Had you said that you had made plans and left the house, even if you were just going to sit in a layby and listen to Sade, he would soon see the error of his ways and stop pulling stunts like this.

You need to modify the way you interact with your DH and as for worrying that FF isn't taking his meds, if you see #1 above, you wouldn't be involved on any level and your life would be straightforward as DH would never do stuff like this again.

GladSatsumaShark · 30/08/2024 12:22

Howdull · 30/08/2024 12:12

how did it go OP?

Perhaps start by reading the thread? 😃

GladSatsumaShark · 30/08/2024 12:23

diddl · 30/08/2024 12:06

Wonder why it didn't occur to Op to order a takeaway?
😂😂😂😂😂😂

😅😂

Blueberryjamming · 30/08/2024 12:24

Anthologist · 30/08/2024 10:25

I now have zero negativity in my now blissful single life.

Wow, you've have achieved nirvana. Well done you!

You — and you're not the only one by a long chalk so this is meant for quite a
few posters — overlook the major factor in last night's situation. And that's the fact that FF, who usually takes meds to regulate his ADHD (and may also have a mild form of BPD, something which fairly commonly accompanies ADHD) is not currently taking them. He's a bit manic at the moment. Funny, wacky, very entertaining, but revving very fast. If you've never known anyone who suffers from these conditions it may be difficult to imagine what's that like. But you can't say no to him in a polite, reasonable way: it's his way or no way. He is full of positive enthusiasm for what he wants to do and he doesn't consider anyone else's ideas or feelings.

This morning DP has explained that he invited the other two guests yesterday in the hope that more people would damp FF down a bit, which it probably did. If only DP had explained his thought processes at the time it would have been helpful. But I own the fact that by that point I was furious and disinclined to listen myself.

What DP and I need to do today is talk to FF and encourage him to get back on his meds. Otherwise things could tip too far. That's what I hope will help heal some of the (hopefully) minor damage done to our relationship last night.

Show quote history

No-one’s overlooking anything. I am ND, off the top off my head I have a close friend with ADHD and bipolar, a few friends with just ADHD, a friend with borderline personality disorder and various other ND friends. I can open my mouth and tell them that no they can’t come round if it doesn’t suit. I can also be told that.

This is all just excuses to take the blame off your partner for not saying no and you’re ignoring the fact it didn’t seem as if he even wanted to say no.

Also slightly unfair and patronising all round to insinuate ND adults can’t understand the word no.

It’s literally none of your business whether FF takes his meds or not. Leave that for him and his “lovely French girlfriend” to decide and manage surely?

I think you’re overstepping massively there to deflect from the weaknesses in your own relationship and the apparent lack of influence you have over decisions in your households. Perhaps focus on getting your own partner to respect your wishes a bit more rather than trying to get someone to take their meds or not.

GladSatsumaShark · 30/08/2024 12:25

Anthologist · 30/08/2024 11:37

We've now reached the stage where I could spend the next 48 hours responding to people who've only read the first page of this thread and bore myself (and everyone else) to tears or I could bid you all a fond farewell and wish you a lovely final weekend before the schools go back and normal life resumes. So I'll do the latter. Thank you and au revoir.

Thanks for a great thread OP.

GladSatsumaShark · 30/08/2024 12:27

Tbry24 · 30/08/2024 12:04

Either go out or if you like the people, not sure you do, order a takeaway

Well if you are not sure of any of those two things, you could read the thread. Just a suggestion.

whynotwhatknot · 30/08/2024 12:27

why woul you wash up?

he'll now thhink he an o it again anytime

IOSTT · 30/08/2024 12:27

I know you said you wouldn’t read anymore posts but just in case you do…
Have a good chat with DP in a few days time and explain you are not feeling as sociable as you used to. If he is feeling more sociable, can he please do this elsewhere, eg other people’s houses, a pub etc. Whatever FFs issues are, it is still your DP that disrespected you and caused you to feel down.

Thursdaygirl · 30/08/2024 12:58

ThatTealViewer · 30/08/2024 11:19

OP,

  • He could have said ‘no’. He wasn’t bothered about being ‘polite or reasonable’ to you, was he?
  • He could have apologised to you and explained the situation.
  • He could have immediately - not after you objected - taking on cooking the meal.
  • He could have not shouted at you and called you names.
  • He could have done the cleaning and house prep by himself (I’m still unclear on why you’re always the one to do this).
  • He could have done clean up by himself.

He did none of these things. His friends mental
health excuses none of the above. Please stand up for yourself for a bit.

Show quote history

Absolutely - it’s very easy to blame FF and his meds for this, but really the OP has a DP problem

inthemid · 30/08/2024 13:14

Anthologist · 30/08/2024 10:25

I now have zero negativity in my now blissful single life.

Wow, you've have achieved nirvana. Well done you!

You — and you're not the only one by a long chalk so this is meant for quite a
few posters — overlook the major factor in last night's situation. And that's the fact that FF, who usually takes meds to regulate his ADHD (and may also have a mild form of BPD, something which fairly commonly accompanies ADHD) is not currently taking them. He's a bit manic at the moment. Funny, wacky, very entertaining, but revving very fast. If you've never known anyone who suffers from these conditions it may be difficult to imagine what's that like. But you can't say no to him in a polite, reasonable way: it's his way or no way. He is full of positive enthusiasm for what he wants to do and he doesn't consider anyone else's ideas or feelings.

This morning DP has explained that he invited the other two guests yesterday in the hope that more people would damp FF down a bit, which it probably did. If only DP had explained his thought processes at the time it would have been helpful. But I own the fact that by that point I was furious and disinclined to listen myself.

What DP and I need to do today is talk to FF and encourage him to get back on his meds. Otherwise things could tip too far. That's what I hope will help heal some of the (hopefully) minor damage done to our relationship last night.

Show quote history

I have ADHD but I don't "suffer" from it, thanks.

whenyoupost · 30/08/2024 14:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

whenyoupost · 30/08/2024 14:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Civilservant · 30/08/2024 15:16

‘Fun sponge’ is a nasty thing to say: anyway, it’s hardly ‘fun’ of him to ask you to shop, cook and host at no notice.

inthemid · 30/08/2024 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sharptonguedwoman · 30/08/2024 17:49

Anthologist · 29/08/2024 16:39

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

Dinner from Cook or a takeaway would be my options here.

GladSatsumaShark · 30/08/2024 17:51

Sharptonguedwoman · 30/08/2024 17:49

Dinner from Cook or a takeaway would be my options here.

Show quote history

Another one who hasn’t read OP’s post.

masterblaster · 30/08/2024 17:57

You a VU and I don’t care what others say.

DP is inviting some friends of both of yours round, that you like, and is cooking dinner for them.

you’ve thrown a strop over what, exactly?

Cazz1953 · 30/08/2024 18:02

I would go out and leave them to it.

LaughingCat · 30/08/2024 18:06

NRTFT - The spicy peanut stew is actually amazing - we have it a couple of times a month (or just make the sauce and drizzle it on stuff because it’s the bomb). Him expecting you to cook at no notice for three people is ridonkulous. Then adding an extra two is certifiably batshit. However, that he actually went and found a recipe that catered to everyone’s needs and is reasonably easy to make…that’s at least taking responsibility for the mess. I’ll go back and read the rest now.

Sharptonguedwoman · 30/08/2024 18:09

GladSatsumaShark · 30/08/2024 17:51

Another one who hasn’t read OP’s post.

Show quote history

Well I read the original but not all the other posts. My mistake.

JAT49 · 30/08/2024 18:09

I would fuck off out let him get in with it