DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

[Anthologist]

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

Oh God. I was the op ten years ago. My exhusband was her DP. That exact scenario with literally the exact same conversation and actions could easily have taken place.

I used to also let him walk all over me too because he was funny and charming, and 'meh, pick your battles.' I wanted him to like me.

With hindsight, I know now what I needed to do, if I wanted to still be in that relationship. Put my foot down far far more. What he did was no where near acceptable. It was selfish and thoughtless of him. Ironically, now that we are divorced and I do say no (kids so still involved) he likes and respects me far more and we get on great.

However, also with hindsight, I am really glad I didn't know then how to keep him, as I now have zero negativity in my now blissful single life. But I do get that's not for everyone, others are prepared to tolerate stuff for company, and that's fine.

Either way - you are too nice to him op, and this is where resentment just grows. A poster upthread was spot on when she pointed out how completely absurd it would be the other way round. Can you imagine having a couple of your girl friends around last minute when he was planning a night in to watch the footie, expecting him to shop, cook and clean up for it and then calling him a fun sponge if he didn't comply?

Same here 😂In fact the whole thread has had me in tears all morning when I should be working!

The bean stew, the toe nail and foot grinding at the dinner table, the lovely French girlfriend... 😂

When I read your thread-title, I thought must have started a thread in my sleep, and then when I read: He seems to get more extrovert and sociable as he gets older and would love to be socialising every evening. I'm going in the other direction and prefer quality of contact to quantity. I hope it's not going to trip us up. Feel a bit gloomy about it., I realised there had been a strange incident in the night-time and I had indeed posted whilst asleep.
We are older than you both and retired and I am living in what is a nightmare scenario for me but which my husband is embracing with open arms. But he too is of the opinion that it is the company that counts and it doesn't matter how the house looks or what food is served as long as you are welcoming and amongst friends. Worse, he has also become more and more controlling (or maybe I just didn't notice it when he was still working as he travelled a lot and I was happily on my own at home a lot of the time). Almost every other day I decide I've got to leave him as it's just all too much for me.
I hope you sort this out to your satisfaction.

This. Clearly beauty AND brains. Plus sophisticated and an amazing cook 😍

Even I am wondering what she sees in FF and I don't even know any of these people 😂

😂

Why did no one just get a curry?

Yeah this 😂I don't think it's posh though, probably more like people who live in London / Manchester / suburbs close to city centres who have these things readily available.

We have a bakery in our village that closes at 4pm (but realistically from 2pm all they have is a hot counter full of stale pies they haven't sold that day), a greengrocers the size of my downstairs toilet (they have no opening hours and just close when they feel like it) and a Co-Op a couple of miles away that costs the earth and has the shittest produce known to man.

I think you were right about the lovely French Girlfriend OP. She played it well and was the only one who got to spend an entire night all by herself. She knew exactly what she was doing, well done to her! Next time, you do the same.

Don't get a takeaway or even be there. He will never learn if you give in to him! Go out for the evening and eat something better than he dishes up!!

You are a little bit late to yesterday’s dinner party.

He was unreasonable for assuming you'd be happy to cook at such short notice. I think you are BU to assume others will care that much about having a fancy meal every time they come over. It the arrangement is to come over have some food and watch a film, I wouldn't be expecting a fancy meal. If the invite was to come over for a formal dinner party, then yes I'd be surprised to be served cheese on toast.

One of DH's friend invites us over to hang out and we usually get fed frozen pizza and salad. It works fine as we go over to spend time with him and his family not judge him on his cooking.

Brilliant!

You just know that today is going to be peppered with posts saying "Just go out" and "why not get a takeaway?"

Folk never RTFT.

I now have zero negativity in my now blissful single life.

Wow, you've have achieved nirvana. Well done you!

You — and you're not the only one by a long chalk so this is meant for quite a
few posters — overlook the major factor in last night's situation. And that's the fact that FF, who usually takes meds to regulate his ADHD (and may also have a mild form of BPD, something which fairly commonly accompanies ADHD) is not currently taking them. He's a bit manic at the moment. Funny, wacky, very entertaining, but revving very fast. If you've never known anyone who suffers from these conditions it may be difficult to imagine what's that like. But you can't say no to him in a polite, reasonable way: it's his way or no way. He is full of positive enthusiasm for what he wants to do and he doesn't consider anyone else's ideas or feelings.

This morning DP has explained that he invited the other two guests yesterday in the hope that more people would damp FF down a bit, which it probably did. If only DP had explained his thought processes at the time it would have been helpful. But I own the fact that by that point I was furious and disinclined to listen myself.

What DP and I need to do today is talk to FF and encourage him to get back on his meds. Otherwise things could tip too far. That's what I hope will help heal some of the (hopefully) minor damage done to our relationship last night.

You are minimising here and making excuses for your DHs behaviour. Expect more eruptions of rage until you address this as this behaviour on both your parts is set to repeat.

Oh, this is so familiar. When we first moved here I thought it'd be fine, there's a Londis a couple of villages away and a Co-Op within a 15-minute drive. And then reality dawned. Both of them offer 27 different varieties of crisps, a wide range of cheap chocolate, a lot of booze and white bread and then a few tins of stuff that cost three times the price of Sainsbury's!

Yes but you (personally) still did not need to cook. If your husband decides he can’t say not to him, that’s his issue. It’s nothing to do with you. You are not their cook.
I don’t think this is a minor blip. He’s a nasty arse.

We went on holiday a few years ago to somewhere pretty remote. Great, we thought, getting away from it ALL! Well it really did turn out to be that, it was a long trek to ANYTHING, be that a corner shop, takeaway (no deliveries) petrol... which was ok as that was kind of what we were expecting.

It was ok until I pulled back down the drive after an hour's round trip to the shop and realised I'd forgotten to buy butter.

Ad hoc dinner guests would have been horrific.

Well that's him told!

I understand your feelings exactly. But I also think your DP has a point. You are a bit obsessed with the judgement aspect and living up to the posh French girlfriend. He is being more sociable and not letting the lack of perfect occasion and planning stop him having a nice night with friends. I actually think he has it right and you have it wrong. BUT I would also be thinking like you so I totally understand.

I've noticed I've got more like this over time and I've been questioning where it comes from and whether it is societal expectations of women that is effecting me even though I don't believe in that stuff. The idea that someone comes round and is sizing up your meal, inspecting your toilets. I never used to worry so much about that stuff. It is a kind of anxiety. As long as it's not filthy you should be ok!

It's the same with the stress of visitors and I see that a lot on MN.

I would like to be more like your DP and when I think about it, there really is nothing stopping me being more like your DP.

So your friend's French girlfriend is a fabulous cook. Does that mean she can never hang around or be invited round to be with people who aren't fabulous cooks? It's not a competition. You are fretting about what she thinks. The worst that can happen is she is confirmed in her view that she is a fabulous cook. She can still have a filling meal and a nice time with you two. Good company is far more important. She shouldn't be denied friends because she's great at cooking!

I know this isn't quite the point you're making, but might help you relax a bit more about it. As others have said you can always say sorry you're stuck with DP's efforts as it was a bit last minute, next time I'll do you something really special. But really this shouldn't be necessary. They are coming to see you as friends, not inspect your property and food like hotel inspectors.

It would be U if the DP expected the OP to cook but imho it's fine since he's cooking himself. If the OP wants she can excuse herself from attending, but I think it's fine for the DP to invite his friends over for dinner.

@carrotsfortea yeah but I think the point was that OP didn’t want any company that night, good company or not. In her mind she was about to have a nice quiet night in by herself. After recently have hosted other people. She is absolutely right to feel this way.

But it seems all went well anyway, as OP basically seems to be a grounded person who knows her dh and dh’s friend, and knows that everything is not black or white.

OP,

• He could have said ‘no’. He wasn’t bothered about being ‘polite or reasonable’ to you, was he?
• He could have apologised to you and explained the situation.
• He could have immediately - not after you objected - taking on cooking the meal.
• He could have not shouted at you and called you names.
• He could have done the cleaning and house prep by himself (I’m still unclear on why you’re always the one to do this).
• He could have done clean up by himself.

He did none of these things. His friends mental
health excuses none of the above. Please stand up for yourself for a bit.

tell flakey friend to go away and leave your husband alone who the fuck acts like that inconveniencing everyone for his ego and selfish wants

We've now reached the stage where I could spend the next 48 hours responding to people who've only read the first page of this thread and bore myself (and everyone else) to tears or I could bid you all a fond farewell and wish you a lovely final weekend before the schools go back and normal life resumes. So I'll do the latter. Thank you and au revoir.

hahahahah I don't know exactly why but this has really cracked me up 😂